I totally agree with your opinion of The Frisky, it is an...interesting blog. There are posts that I think are quite feminist that I feel like I could have read on Feministing, but they really often fall back on reinforcing the gender binary and generalizing about men, women, and relationships. Based on past posts, the blog seems to support gay rights, but when they feature more sexually diverse content it seems more "special feature" like to me, like a post a few months ago divulging the "secrets" about what lesbians really do in bed. But anyway, the column you cited is a good example of the Frisky at its more feminist.

I,too, won't even consider changing my last name I will either hypenate it or keep it just as it is. There are no men in my family to carry on our last name and I feel a sense of needing to carry that on. Plus, I just really love it and feel it is so much a part of my identity. Unfourtunally, I've been confronted with some people who think that this is a horrible idea and that my future children (if any) will be somehow damaged or robbed of a meaningful life if our last names aren't the same or if they are hypenated. In fact, my own sister told me straight up that I would have a hard time finding a husband that would be ok with this. My response was that I wouldn't want to marry someone who would refuse to accept my decision. To me feminism is about being informed about how sexism and patriarchy effect the world we live in and making the choice to choose what we want to participate in and what we just can't put up with. It's about giving back choices that we have been robbed of for so long.

This is exactly what I have been talking about lately. I actually just listened to Jessica speak at BGSU the other day and I asked her about this very thing. If it's "alright" for a woman to change her last name, why doesn't the man consider it. I was told by a friend that I was making a much bigger deal about it than I should be and that some women are perfectly fine and okay with changing it. This is fine, I just want for every woman to really think about it and the reasons for why they are the ones changing it and not the man. My friend then said, "Well you are starting your own family, you don't need to keep your last name." Hmmmph. If that is the case, shouldn't we just make up a whole new last name, so it would be equal. Either way, I love my name, it represents who I am, and all my accomplishment thus far are under that name.

Name change is something so interesting to me.

I didn't change my name when I married. I was vehemently against doing so, not because of my connection to my last name, per se, but rather a connection to my name as it was...WHO I was prior to committing to another person for life. I felt that person was important enough to keep on keeping on.

It was a deliberate act for me, to decide that my family unit would NOT all have one last name. I laugh at the notion that having the same last name somehow makes a family more real or deserving of recognition by society. For one, I have worked with dozens of families where there are sometimes 3 or 4 last names involved. Are the kids confused? No...not even a little. For two, it's actually EASIER to keep your last name...there's no paperwork, no new social security card, no making sure your credit follows you under your new name...just none of the bother.

So, yeah, for me it was ultimately a no brainer. And I do believe to each their own...do what works for you and your partner (and name change did NOT work for me.)

Unfortunately, not everyone feels this way, and I know this because my decision is constantly undermined. I STILL have family (on HIS side interestingly) who send us mail as Mr. and Mrs. X despite knowing what my name really is. I still have people ask me where's Mr. (my last name) and I have to explain there is no Mr. (my last name). And people from my past think I never married because my name is still as they knew me in high school.

This is exactly what I have been talking about lately. I actually just listened to Jessica speak at BGSU the other day and I asked her about this very thing. If it's "alright" for a woman to change her last name, why doesn't the man consider it. I was told by a friend that I was making a much bigger deal about it than I should be and that some women are perfectly fine and okay with changing it. This is fine, I just want for every woman to really think about it and the reasons for why they are the ones changing it and not the man. My friend then said, "Well you are starting your own family, you don't need to keep your last name." Hmmmph. If that is the case, shouldn't we just make up a whole new last name, so it would be equal. Either way, I love my name, it represents who I am, and all my accomplishment thus far are under that name.

I would hope whomever I marry keeps her name, but I'll respect her choice no matter what.

And, because I forgot to mention this, to loop things back to the discussion about romantic comedies, it is easy to forget individual choice's role in the matter when people wish to take such a hard line against anything unequal and a product of a Patriarchal system. But at some point, some would argue that there needs to be a line in the sand drawn about what is acceptable and what is not and I was trying to open a dialogue about if there is anything essentialist about Feminist expression.

This is the last comment I'll leave on this thread. Please pardon. I just keep forgetting things.

If a person chose to adhere to racist or homophobic customs and it was his/her choice, would that be acceptable? If we get the chance to redefine and reclaim sexism, does the same go for any other -ism too?

People who say that families with multiple last names are confusing and not as close never have any concrete evidence to back up their arguments. My mom kept her last name. Other than having to correct some people by giving a two second explanation ("Actually, my name is X."), it was never a problem (my sister and I took our dad's last name; my dad had two sisters and my mom had two brothers, so this way there will be people to carry both sides of my family's last names). In fact, it helped us screen calls for her, because telemarketers always asked to speak to Mrs. Y, not Ms. X!
A large proportion of my mom's friends kept their last names, as well. No one has experienced substantial difficulties because of it.

"In fact, my own sister told me straight up that I would have a hard time finding a husband that would be ok with this." To your sister: Oh, really? My dad had no objection to my mom's decision. Most of the men I've talked to about this subject couldn't care less if the woman takes their name or not.

"My response was that I wouldn't want to marry someone who would refuse to accept my decision." Exactly. There are plenty of men out there who are actually respectful, so why bother being with an boorish one?

I am going to keep my last name when I get married; that's not negotiable. (My problem with hyphenated last names is the inevitable question of what happens when two people with hyphenated last names get married? Do people end up with names like 'Alex Jones-Riley-Chang-Konig'?)

As for being walked down the aisle, I really want my father to walk me down the aisle, because I want to symbolize the bond that we have and his support of my decisions. I've reconciled this with my feminism by deciding that my mom will walk me down the first half of the aisle, hand me to my father, who will walk me down the second half of the aisle and hand me to my fiancé. ;) That way I get to celebrate the bond I have with everyone in a personal, feminist manner.

In my first marriage, I changed my name, a move I always regretted. This time around, I talked about my feelings with my then STBH. Later, I was happily surprised to hear him tell people that he wanted us both to hyphenate our names, like if Jill Smith married John Brown the new name would be Smith-Brown. We've gotten some flack for it. In the state of Texas, women can change their names just by getting married. He will require a court order.

Awesome post! I deal with this on a daily, I'm a court clerk in family relations, I file marriage licenses.

When I give my little speech, I always ask who will change their name, and I'll tell you how shocked some men truly act when I imply they might be the ones to change! It saddens me a little. I also might add this seem to be a truly Western European/American tradition. Specifically Hindi, Asian and Mexican/Southern American cultures both people change names, and our laws are so rigged and unyielding it's hard for people of those cultures to follow in their own traditions.

On another note, and this is purely observation, not statistical nor meant to offend...

I find more that in American couples who seem (SEEM by dress and action) to be more affluent or educated more often hyphenate the females name. This also lends to the general assumption that a business women or teachers generally don't want to confuse clients by changing their last name. It seems apparently less educated couples( by which I mean laborers and support staff, high school grads/students ect.) generally do have the female assume the male's surname. I wonder if this a research-able class bias? I don't know..

and on a last happy note I had that sterotype blown right out of the water today!

A very sweet young non collage grad couple came in today and the male assumed the females name. That pleased me in so many ways. I see a good future for them. :) And apparently I was the only one who did not find this shocking. I hope they have a lovely wedding.

So, a few of my observations on this side of the license counter. I hope they are illuminating.

YMMV

Here's my two cents worth :)

My husband and I got married in January and we both changed our last names to a 'new' surname. Neither of us had a huge, personal connection to our old names but a lot of people were really shocked.

Even now when I explain to people that my name is Ms. New Name rather than Mrs. His Last Name they act surprised that any man would want to change his last name.
That said, no-one has made the 'whipped' comments to my husband ... at least not where he could hear them :)

my Bf and I have discussed this regularly. He doesn't want to change his name, but doesn't really care what I choose to do with my name, or what last name our possible future children have.

For me I feel like changing my name is like changing myself, and signing ownership over to my husband. I wouldn't sign ownership of myself over to anyone.

The last name changing is actually a sign of ownership, historically. Similar to slaves being given the last names of their owners.

However, I don't fault anybody for their own thoughtful decisions. Different strokes for different folks.

My kids (and maybe my husband) will take my last name as their middle name.

Perhaps that's not so revolutionary, but I think it's a good middle ground--plus, it's makes middle names special again (really, do people think of them as baptismal names anymore?)

I think I'll keep my last name.

Also, for the brand new name set:

Not to diss on your choice, But least in Oklahoma the statute states only a few options:

hypothetical couples names are jane marie smith and john alex west

The names only can come out as:

for jane:

Jane Marie West, Jane Marie West-Smith, Jane Marie Smith-West, Jane West Smith, Jane Smith West, Jane Smith, Jane West. Jane Alex West, Jane Alex Smith.

For John:

John alex West-Smith, John Alex Smith, John Alex smith-west, John Smith-West, John West Smith, John West, John Marie Smith, John Marie West.

So both of you randomly adopting John and Jane East is kinda not an option unless you get a legal name change, which is a little expensive and time consuming.

I changed my name when I got married, and now I bitterly regret it. My SIL had the same name as me, so it is a double whammy...not only did I lose my old identity, I "acquired" hers. Sigh. I have broached the topic of changing it back with my husband, but he is adamantly against it for all of the traditional reasons. If I could go back and do it over again, I would not have changed it...but that thought never occurred to me. It was just what you do after you get married, right? I did not really start to become well versed in feminism until about a few years into our marriage, after the regrets that I had came out really strongly and I knew that there was something wrong with our society, but could not put my finger on it.

Don't get me wrong...for the most part, my husband is pretty liberal (partly due to being married to me!). But this one thing is something that we have not been able to compromise on at all. Will it ruin the marriage? Doubtful, but who knows. But it still burns. I will, however, be encouraging my daughters to think very carefully about their choices instead of rushing off in that new love rush and doing something that they regret.

Well, it's certainly patrilineal. It does not imply patriarchy any more than we can assume a society is a matriarchy just because children and husbands take on the last name of the mother/wife. If you look at those societies, they're usually still very patriarchal despite the matrilineal naming. So you cannot, CANNOT say it is the definition of a patriarchal act.

Matrilineal =/= matriarchal. Patrilineal =/= patriarchal.

That said, the advice that she gave-- that he should either offer to take her name or they should pick a new, non-hyphenated name-- seemed appropriate. Yes, keeping your own name can cause social problems for women, especially mothers, and hyphenating can be really, really annoying for kids-- my fiance is trying to save up the money to drop his mother's name and hyphen from his last name because of the hassle it causes him-- but wanting a family name doesn't have to mean the father's name.

Personally, I'm taking my partner's name (well, his father's name, once he gets rid of the stupid hyphen part, thus ending years of hassle from stupid bureaucrats since he's never considered that part of his name as his identity), because I want a family name and I have siblings and he does not (nor does he have cousins with his last name), and it means a lot to his family that their name continues into the next generation (my family doesn't care). He was very surprised when I offered. His female relatives freaked out and started talking about how I was losing my identity, and I replied that my current last name is my parents' anyway, so why does it matter?

I have a long saga of the "name game" in my own life, and question whether there is a legitimate need, socially, to trace lineage through a "last name" per se. However, assuming that this is still viewed as important, I propose that we should think outside of our western traditions, and arrive at a practical solution. Many cultures have had a matrilineal focus, which makes sense, as determining maternity is very straightforward, whereas paternity is frequently disputed or untraceable, and divorce, spousal death, and stepchildren are common. In this scenario, everyone would keep their birth name throughout life, by default, and all children would receive their mother's last name at birth. This would avoid a lot of expensive, unnecessary, and often painful brouhaha.

My boyfriend and I have discussed this a number of times.
If we get married, he'd prefer I change my last name, not so much because he thinks its right, but because he think he will get a whole lot of shit from his conservative, traditional family. I've been pretty insistent that I'm keeping my name, and he's accepted that.

At the very least, I want to keep my name because its so unique. My mom kept her name, and my siblings and I all have it as our middle name. So I am Emily (typical Scottish name) (typical German name). My boyfriend's last name is Smith, so I'd go from one of a kind to one of a whole lot.....

Wrote a "thank you" note to Wendy.