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Who's the Best Mommy of Them All?

What's behind the escalation in mom-on-mom criticism?

Share your thoughts.

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1.
rachel
new haven
March 12th, 2010
9:50 pm
Thanks so much for finally mentioning VBAC. I can't wait until you devote a blog just to them. If you really want to see rigid intolerance, try mentioning VBAC to most OBs.
2.
Frank Barry
SLO, CA
March 12th, 2010
10:51 pm
It is getting late in the day on the west coast. I passed this article by, and after reading others, returned to it. Only one comment... WOW... Must be only men reading on a Friday... lol
3.
Jessa
Atlanta
March 12th, 2010
11:49 pm
Meredith Small sums it up really well I think. Also, another thing to consider is that women's brains are flooded with baby hormones when they have little ones and that makes us think about babies' welfare in general.
4.
Pepper K.
Tucson, AZ
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
I don't know how widespread it is, because it is a mindset that I seem to encounter more in middle to upper middle class white mothers in New York City. While it might be annoying on the outside, what is underlying it is basically love. No one wants to be a bad mother because they love their child. Armed with readily accessible parenting information these mothers are determined to be the best mothers they can be. Tell a mother using disposable diapers that cloth is best and she immediately hears that she's a "bad mother"for not using cloth. Tell a mother unable to lactate that formula will developmentally stunt her child and she will be consumed with guilt that she couldn't provide the best.

Ms. English-Figaro hit the nail on the head. Women on both sides need to understand that each woman is an individual, with individual situations. Not everyone is able to breastfeed, or spend money on expensive cloth diapers, or is physically able to wear their baby 20 hours a day, and you while you are not a bad mom if you do all those things you are certainly not a bad mom if you don't!
5.
kansasrefugee
Denver
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
Please don't omit dads so much! They and their children need a relationship just like moms and children.

That's my advice as a daughter of a SAHM in the 1960s and 1970s.

My sense is that the so-called "Mommy wars" are a phenomenon of many women changing in the last 40 years but some men not changing. This has meant many women are over-educated for parenting but have been unable to find dads with the emotional availability necessary for co-parenting. So the women quit their jobs and become obsessed with mothering and often even use their children for intimacy and project onto them because relationships with husbands are poor. And another generation gets over overmothered and underfathered.

6.
PP
San Jose, CA
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
Its a privelage of good times we live in. The mommy wars are symptomatic of American society in general-where everything must be black or white. Shades of grey are not tolerated. Combine this culture with a society where all basic wants (food, clothing shelter, basic health) are pretty well provided for-and you have a whole generation that now needs to worry about more inconsequential stuff. And all that angst is centered on far fewer lil darlings. A poor woman with multiple children struggling to live to the next day does not have the time to berate her neighbor about her choice of food/clothing/discipline patterns etc. My take-be happy that we have nothing more serious to worry about and ignore the mommy wars.
7.
Kim
Arkansas
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
Truth is, most mothers today did not have the experience of growing up watch other mothers, learning good ways and less good ways to raise children. That was true even for the generation in _The Group_. As a consequence---if you leave aside the medical questions---a lot of mothers today really do not do a good job. They feed their children badly . . . well, the list could go on and on. Is it really a matter of (trivialized) mommy wars, or is it possible that some women are actually right?
8.
VanBened
DRC, Kinshasa
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
I have four kids and I found that when I had only one, I was more judgmental. Now with four, I am more flexible and more accepting of others parenting. However, there are still some things that I know are "right", at least for me as a mom and I do find myself wondering how others don't see what is really important, being with your kids, not on top of them, giving them space but being there to encourage and not leaving them with various different caregivers when they are young < 5. The biggest issue I find is that kids are insecure and then as they enter school, become followers, joining kids that bully others. It is not about organic food, VBAC and all those trendy things. Who will care when your kid is a teenager whether you had a c-section or natural birth? It is about kindness and caring, being respectful of others, and raising confident kids with the same personality. The world would be a much better place.
9.
Chris
Canada
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
Maybe this is a by-product of the empowerment that women have enjoyed in recent years. Told that they can do everything, it naturally results that they feel responsible for everything.

Since the general thinking seems to be that every detail in the life of the child can be, and should be, controlled, the mother is directly responsible for any problem, and any success. Adding to that the traditional view still prevalent that child-rearing is one of the most, if not the most, important mission of a woman in life, and you find yourself with a perfect storm: there is no such thing as "good enough", and a mother must always strive for more perfection. Considering that nobody knows exactly the best way to raise a child (and that it undoubtedly depends on the child), the only way to feel perfect is to justify their actions. But this should be considered as partisan politics, not as scientific debates.
10.
ekeizer4
Oregon
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
What about this "debate" is remotely new? Do we really need another round of mommy wars, especially in the Times? An entire advice industry may have sprung to life to ensure every mother is the perfect parent, but there is also an industry in promoting the reality and continuation of these supposedly-heated disagreements between mothers. If the mommy wars were not real, it would now be necessary to invent them. How about trying something that comes so naturally to children, even those whose parents use them as proxies in some battle of egos: Grow up. Grow up and move on.
11.
Happy and Proud
Boston, MA
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
Maybe it's because I live outside of New York (although near a large city), but I just don't see the level of vitriol described here among other parents I know. What judgment I do see tends to be in the first year or two of a mother's first child. After that, especially if another child or so comes along, most people are too busy keeping their own heads above water to care what others do.

Also, many mothers switch between child-rearing options - work, day-care, formula, etc. - as family and external circumstances dictate.

My own child-rearing philosophy can be summed up in two words: "whatever works".
12.
MOHAMMAD AZEEMULLAH
ZLITEN, LIBYA
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
The moment a child is born, the mother is also born. She never existed before. So the learning to rear begins with the very first experience of looking at the child.
13.
Jan
Cambridge
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
Maybe it's the simple fact that no one is perfect -- mother or child -- but any faults in the developing child usually get pinned on some lapse in mothering. "If only she had...(fill in the blank): had more/fewer rules, stayed at home/gone back to work, been more affectionate/been less smothering -- any of the thousands of well-intentioned choices mothers make could turn out to be the wrong one!
14.
Lynn
New York
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
Yes, it could represent being judgmental about other women, but a more positive way to look at it is a community instinct to protect the poor little thing that is in some kind of danger (too heavy coat; too light coat; running around risking an injurious fall; too tightly constrained and all exploratory tendencies held back...etc.)
15.
mj
chicago
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
Judith Warner is right on. Liberation is only in theory, we have choices only at the margins.
16.
J
Forest Hills
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
Why don't you have Barbara Erenreich here, or did she decline to participate? Read For Her Own Good; Two Centuries of the Experts Advice to Women. Women, it will rile you up, for sure, but it will also give you some perspective on the absurdity of "parenting" (read "mothering") advice.
17.
nana2roaw
albany, ny
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
My friends and I engaged in "Mommy wars" 35 years ago. The mothers of small children sorted themselves into cliques and had at it. It all seems so pointless now. Our children are grown. Some turned out well and some didn't but the outcome had as much to do with luck than with any specific child-rearing philosophy. This is the crux of the problem. One can do all the right things and still "fail" as a parent because, in the end, children are autonomous human beings who make their own good or bad choices. This is terrifying to mothers who are always blamed for their children's shortcomings.
18.
J.M.
North Branford, CT.
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
Uch. Leave it to our male contrived press to turn the most serious business of life into a contest. I thought of the hospital scene in the movie "The Women” as I lay abed with my own new baby. The startling thing about that scene was the mother's vulnerability. In that era, she was victimized by her doctor's belief in formula. Now she would be caught in the tide favoring breast-feeding. (The one movie scene that captured breast-feeding for me was from "Jackass the Movie", where the guy has an alligator on his nipple.) The truth of any of this is that all sweet and tender contact with that baby is the foundation of a lifetime. Whether it's breast or bottle is not that important. A new baby opens up a program on a mother's hard drive: As Freud said, "A firstborn is the one unambivalent love." The essential guide is to savor that feeling, in both men and women, and not get hung up on really stupid controversies. I wish one of the Ten Commandments had been "Cherish Every Child,” perhaps further backed up by extolling the inherent nobility of the Cherisher.
19.
Bev
New York
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
The proof of the pudding and all that. You don't know whether you did a good or bad job until the kid is in her/his mid-thirties. (The pudding is still not cooked in the twenties here in the US.) If the adult child is productive and creative and KIND, then the caretaker has done his/her job well.
20.
James
Michigan
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
Eight commentators and not a single dad among them. Gee, we must have nothing valuable to say, no insights, we're just marginal to the whole parenting thing. you'd think they'd have asked one token dad for a comment, you know, just for show. I'm amazed at the continuing tendency of so many women to claim parenting as their own exclusive domain and to exclude fathers from consideration.
21.
lucy
new york, NY
March 14th, 2010
9:57 am
I think Ayelet Waldman's first sentence is the most correct: why are there endless articles on mothers attacking each other when the overwhelming personal experience is of mothers supporting each other? and we should stop there. I am raising two young girls in the West Village, which according to these types of articles should be the epicenter of overeducated moms criticizing each other. And I have NEVER experienced it. Not in the park or the PTA. Let's stop feeding into the myth that women are competitive bitches and start promoting the truth that we're supporting each other as we do our best in a tough job.
22.
AnneB
France
March 14th, 2010
10:01 am
In France, where I live, all children belong to all parents. A perfect stranger thinks nothing of approaching you in the park on a blistering hot summer day and telling you that your barefoot baby asleep in the stroller "has cold feet" and you should put socks on her. The only response -- and it took me a little while to learn this, so please, new mothers, benefit from my experience -- is to smile and say, "You may be right." And then, of course, do what you see fit.

I can understand and sympathize with any mother feeling as though she hasn't done enough. That comes with the territory, and it is almost certainly nature's way of making sure we don't phone parenthood in. But to go from there to preaching to and terrorizing others who don't do it your way... that's pathological.

23.
Betsy Herring
Edmond, Oklahoma
March 14th, 2010
10:01 am
There is a lot of truth in all these statements above and no one can be said to be more "right" than the others. I have reared a child and when he was a little guy I found a mother's support group to assist me. There was hardly any advice given without consent and lots of support for whatever was happening in our lives apart from the children, and there was the wonderful opportunity to observe others in interaction with their children. The observation was the best part of what I took away. I was well educated on how to rear a child but had no personal close up views kinda like Jane Goodall and the chimps. I regret to tell you that once you get the kids out of highschool, then you get to deal with them as adults. Get out the books again!!!
24.
Arlene
NY
March 14th, 2010
10:01 am
The judgment doesn't stop at other mothers. Try being a "child free" person around mothers, and some dads. Oh lord. People without children are living in a part-selfish, part-clueless bubble. We are envied and we are pitied. But most of all, we may not have opinions about child rearing. (Never mind that I have taught school for 20 years). We must sit and be lectured about sleep deprivation, gluten and bullying. We hear more about the horrible other mothers than the other mothers do. I am told it is alright for me to eat non-organic because I don't have children. I don't need to worry about toxins in the environment because I don't have children. It is almost as if I have already died. Could there even be a point to living, if not for the children?

The singular focus on child rearing as the only object of life seems unhealthy, short sighted and unfair to the children, who need to figure some things out on their own, make mistakes, and get back on their feet without their parents' help. I know, because these kids end up in my classroom and are frighteningly helpless and dependent.

To be fair, a good number of my parent friends enjoy some time talking about anything other than their children, and don't feel guilty staying out late with me once in a while, having a few drinks, and being good and selfish. They are good parents, and I don't like to hear anybody say otherwise.
25.
Patrick Star
WPB, FL
March 14th, 2010
10:01 am
And the bile rises. All right girlfriends, here's the story. Most women, as most men, do nothing with their lives. Suddenly, they "achieve" having a baby. ( It's a biological process, most women can do it.) Now the baby becomes a refection of themselves- their intelligence , their perceptiveness, their "strength", their competence, their character. In short, their worth as human beings. And ANYTHING that threatens that self image, that personal narrative is beaten back with a stick. And sometimes that does harm. Incalculable harm. Do I have experience? You bet I do. Do I have issues? You bet I do. Girls - get a grip on your inflated egos, put a sock in it, and do what is right for your child, not yourselves.

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