To Go or Not

I've been letting people know that I plan on deploying.  I notified my unit that I am giving up my WOC slot in order to do so.  

My sister probably expected it.  She just asked, "What about WOC?" and I told her I didn't join the Army to be a Warrant Officer.  

That's about as simple as I can get with the answer.  

Then I let my buddy know... and he didn't take it so well.  The conversation ended with him telling me he wasn't going to my funeral and my telling him he wasn't invited.

He's been going through a lot lately and everything seems to be coming back up.  It was at this time three years ago that we were down in Lashkar Gah in Helmand Province.  The three year anniversary of our Alive Day is coming up.  I know why it's all coming back... the anxiety, the stress, the invasive thoughts.  I've learned to live with it.  I know what to expect now around about this time of year and I am ok with it.  It's just the way it is.

I don't think he's gotten through to that point yet.  I think he had much worse TBI than I did.  Neither of us was ever diagnosed or screened, but I know like I know what it is to have strep throat, that he's got a form of TBI as well as PTSD.  I know I didn't come through that blast unscathed either.  But I also know, that I'm good to go for at least one more deployment.

I didn't think about how my decision to deploy would affect him.  That's kind of something that you try not to think about -how it affects those around you.  But how long do you put it off for?  How long do you make everyone else's demands, wishes, pleas, your own?  At some point you have to do what YOU want to do... and I want to deploy.  This is what is right for me in my mind and in my heart and it has nothing to do with what anyone wants for me anymore.

In this particular case, it is a one for one switch.  My unit needs E6's to go.  Our soldiers need someone with experience.  I've not only been to the theater, but I understand so much more now and can offer a great deal to the cause, the fight and to the mission.  I have a very unique skill set and experience... and understanding of the conflict.  We are sending guys who will not have been home for 12 months before they're activated again.  Guys that have families, newborns... 

And you know what?

It doesn't matter.  Seems like I'm trying to justify why I decided to go back... but I don't need to.

I know that right now, it's just time.  I've never been one to wait or put things off till I get told or called up.  I volunteered for my last deployment because it was right.  I just knew.  And I feel that way now.  I just know.  The time is now and I'll go on my terms when I can make arrangements.  If I wait, I'll get yanked out of my comfort zone and it'll come at an untimely moment when I won't be expecting it or prepared for it.  This is a much better deal.

And this time, I'll know some of the people I'm going with.  I'll know the General I'm going to be working under.  He'll be at the flagpole and I'll be out and about somewhere, but at least I'll know that the man I'm serving under has a vested interest in the fight.  He's got kids that are fighting age... and I've looked him in the eyes and know that he sincerely wants to ask the right questions and find potential solutions to establish systems that WORK so that we can stop the killing and the dying and bring our troops home someday.  

I'm confident that going now is better for me overall.  With all of the things that I will have to put on hold and all of the opportunities I'm putting off to go back in to the burning building, I feel like if I don't do it now, I'll have to do it later... and later would be much more difficult.  It's better to go now for so many reasons.

I feel terrible that my friend is suffering and that he's upset.  I feel horrible about what my news has/will put him through.  The same goes for my estranged family... but I can't live my life by what everyone else wants.  I have to live it for me and this is what I believe in and what I want.

Afghanistan will be a country at peace someday and if I can't help that happen, I can at least strive to understand more why it can't.  

AG

"If not now, when?"

I was just checking out my Facebook following and didn't realize I had so many people on there.  Wow.  So here's a "Shout Out" to all of you!  HI!  Thanks for adding my blog to your blog network!

Honestly, I figured there was no one out there reading these posts anymore.  Crazy internet.

Yesterday was an amazing day for me... I will have to make time to blog about it.  Today has been a tiring day.  For some reason, I was exhausted!  Tomorrow is my day off so I'm hoping to be productive and get a lot accomplished.

More about the past few days coming up.  For now, I want to talk about what's on my mind.

Deployment.

My unit has been tasked yet again, to provide people to augment another Active Duty unit. Interestingly enough, we had several volunteers but they are yanking our volunteers and sending people that haven't been yet, or haven't been for a while.  This makes no sense to me but little that the Army does makes sense to those it affects.  You just have to trust the system and believe, sometimes blindly, that there is a greater plan in which you are just not privy to... or don't have the pay grade to need to be concerned with it.  Many with that pay grade wish they didn't have to make the decisions they have to make about who is going and who isn't.  The same is true for those who are lower in the totem pole.

Often, the big debate, as it is now... is that to the people with the big rank, we are just numbers. To our senior NCOs and leadership, we are not just soldiers, we're people.  We have families, we have issues, and we have lives.  The latter know better what to do with us and who should and shouldn't go, who wants to go and whose life is going to be ruined if they leave again (divorce, family issues, mental health issues.)  Doesn't matter to the people who need to fill slots.  

In the end, no matter what happens, bodies fill those slots and we go.  I have thrown my name in to go.  Again.  This time, I hope it works.  I realize that I may not get to keep my WOC status but I don't care.  They are trying to deploy guys in my unit that have not been home 12 months yet and I know them.  They are my friends.  One of them took my slot on the last deployment when I got yanked and a few of them have newborn babies.  A couple are on the verge of losing their marriages and none of them have been home long enough.

So even if it costs me my Warrant Officer Candidate slot, I'm going.  If they don't give me an exception to policy memo to put Warrant Officer Candidate School off for six months to a year, then I will give it up.  I feel that this is my priority and I feel like the time for it is now.

I do worry about the number of people I will disappoint and I know that my former Chief and mentor will be very against the idea... but I refuse to let someone else go, when I can.

I had the honor of sitting in with a very important player in the future of Afghanistan and was able to share my perspective as well as observation on many things.  Sometimes general officers can use a little insight from their most junior of soldiers... even if it comes by way of more unconventional means.  I left those meetings feeling as though I had communicated my point and that it was not only well received but truly "heard."  I know that knowing what I know now... I am in a position to be more effective than I ever was and to contribute a great deal, if the Army lets me.  Now I can not only do my job exponentially better, but I can train my soldiers to do the same.  Everything I've done in my civilian career since I've been home, has prepared me to be that much more effective down range.  

I have far too much to offer to sit here at my cushy job with all of life's creature comforts while there's so much work to be done.

But.

I am scared out of my freaking mind.  I am not afraid of missions outside the wire and believe it or not, I'm not even afraid of suicide bombers or IEDs.  I'm not afraid that I might die.  None of those things wear on my mind as much as this... that I will be in charge of a team of soldiers whose lives depend on my ability to do my job and make sound and timely decisions.  The thought that I will be responsible for soldiers other than myself and my buddy scares. the. living. shit. out of me.  As an E5, buck Sergeant in 2006... when I was going on missions outside the wire... I worried about me and my buddy.  We were equals.  This deployment, will not be that way.

It's not the bombs and the getting shot at... it's my life afterwards.  It's the way my life changed after it all happened.  It's the anger, the rage, the intolerance... the frustration, the fear, the invasive thoughts... it's who I've become, how detached I want to be from those that love me.  It's all of that and so much more.  

I miss deployment.  I want to go back.  I want to feel the insane boredom, the waiting, the anticipation, the adrenaline.  There is nothing that compares to the adrenaline of combat.  Not sky diving, not roller-coasters... nothing.  

I want to feel the weight of my 9m on my thigh... reach down and put my hand around it.  One of the comments I heard at the luncheon yesterday was about how being a woman in combat and training environments has it's advantages.... because we're so used to carrying purses, we're less likely to lose/forget our weapons anywhere!  

I miss the weight of the M16 slung over my shoulder (although hopefully we'll be important enough that they'll give us M4s this time.)  I want to go back and do all of the things I didn't know to do back then... right all the wrongs, say what went unsaid, do what went undone or got done poorly.  If only I could go back.

Talking to my buddy today, I was trying to explain why I need to go back.  "It's sort of like high school, you know?  If you could go back to high school, knowing what you know now... so you could do it all again and do it right, wouldn't you jump at the chance?"  

He laughed... "I like how you just said that like it was nothing... You're the only person I know that would compare going back to high school to going back to combat without thinking twice about it..."  

I don't think I am, but I would go back to Afghanistan over going back to high school any day.  

I hated high school that much.

So that's it.  I've made up my mind and now begins the fight.  I'm going on that freaking deployment and my life and my dreams will have to wait.  The veterans group I'm working on, the volunteer work, my career, school... It's all going to have to wait.  Something far more important has come up and without question... the time for me to go back, is now.

"If not now, when?"  Rabbi Hillel.

Busy Bee

I haven't been on here in quite a while.  I just don't know what to write anymore.

Then there's the issue of having so much to do that when I sit down at my computer I start working on emails, etc.  

A couple of days ago, I started to take into account all of the various activities I have committed myself to and the list got a bit ridiculous.  Somehow though, I'm managing to balance it all.  This is how I thrive.  I don't get sick and best of all, I don't get depressed.  There isn't time to be depressed.

There is only time to do the things I need to do whenever I can.  There's not a moment to be idle... or a moment to get lost in thoughts and emotions.  When that happens, it feels horrible.  The memories all come back and I am left there with this sadness.  Why would I allow myself to succumb to that when and if I have the choice?  

I would rather go, do, be.  And I don't know if it's real or not... but I'm happy.  Content.  Satisfied.  I fall into my bed at night and I'm so tired that I don't lay awake on most nights.  I don't think, I just sleep.  I wake up and it starts all over again and I love it.  It's all an adventure and it's all amazing to me.  

There are things I don't care for and that I trudge through.  At this time, my day job is a work in progress.  It pays my bills and I see it has a purpose but it is not what makes me happy.  It allows me to not stress about money, which I rather enjoy.  I work for a great company, but don't care much for the actual office I work in but as in all things, it won't be that way forever.  

The deployment that I'd wanted to go on got passed to someone else.  Soldiers can't deploy when they're on Warrant Officer Candidate (WOC) status.  Bummer.  I try not to think about that either.  I also try not to think about my friends that will be deploying on another tour later this year that I won't be able to go with.  Instead I think about how I will be attending WOC School (WOCS) and the Warrant Officer Basic Course (WOBC) this year sometime.  That will be six or so months of no civilian work and being away from home.  I'm not sure how I feel about that... so I just won't think about it either.

My last Non-Commissioned Officer Evaluation Report (NCOER) was crap.  It's a little different when you go from active status to Reserve drilling status and you live so far from your unit.  My first-line had nothing much to put on my report card.  I knew this, but I couldn't help being a little upset.  The perfectionist over-achiever in me really got irritated.  

MY next one is not going to be like that though.  I'm in a training course and will be hosting my own drill weekends here.  There are a couple of other soldiers in the area and we'll be getting together to do some training, take an APFT and go over the Suicide Stand-down briefings.  There was an Army-wide mandate for soldiers to watch a series of videos and slides about suicide prevention.  I think it's a good idea but what's going to change the Army's suicide numbers isn't going to be a video or mandatory classes.  What will change it, is how the Army treats the soldiers that are on "suicide watch."  

And that, my friends... is where this post ends.

Love Yourself First

It takes a bit of nuttiness to post blogs where your nuttiness is demonstrated... but I still fight with the devil and angel about what to post and not.

Sometimes, I want to be as real and as raw as I can be and at others, I worry that people's perception of me will ruin what I need them to perceive me as.

Today, I post it because it's part of my growth and part of my learning about myself

My early life was a bit unstable, to say the least.  This was not due completely to the circumstances of being an Army brat.  There were many other factors.  Although my childhood does not define who I am, the experiences and lessons I had do provide me with a toolbox of coping with which to apply toward my life as it occurs.

I do not always pick the best tools at the best times or for the most appropriate circumstances... but I do continue to work at being a better person.  And this means, confronting my realities today with the memories of the past and learning to apply healthy and appropriate perspectives to current issues so that I may apply "what I know now" to what is occurring now.

I'm not sure this makes any sense to anyone but me... but let me give an example I think most could relate to... relationships.

Experiencing abandonment as a child leaves deep and very marked scars on a person.  This person may then and will most likely react in certain ways to future relationships and live in fear that the experience will be repeated and in effect, often force the same experience to occur.  

I am an expert at this phenomenon.  Jealousy, is a tell-tale sign of fear and fear, in this case, is the emotion we feel when we cannot control or prevent something from happening.  As we know, neither fear or jealousy are very healthy attributes in a relationship.

As a rational adult, we know this but the child we were when we first encountered our pain, does not.  And because these issues never really get addressed by the adults in our lives, we turn our misunderstanding of what occurs in our environment, inward.  We blame ourselves for doing something wrong...  and that unhealthy mistake never gets addressed so we continue it.  We may grow up in many ways, but the child that endured that trauma, does not.  Some refer to that personality inside of you as the "inner child."  

Where am I going with this?

This forms into a habit... and facilitates a lack of self-confidence, among other things.  It manifests in different people in different ways... and with me, for example, it made me into someone who did not care about how other people felt.  I went into relationships for purely selfish, purely self-destructive reasons and I made sure that I never dated anyone that could break my heart.  I had the control.  I never committed and I never allowed myself to care enough if the other person committed to me or not... or to the person they were with.

It wasn't until I began to see how destructive and manipulative I was being to others and their lives, that I woke up and stopped.  

How do I know I'm making progress?

For so many years, I was the heartbreaker... and now that I've let that manipulative part of me go, I have repeatedly been, the heartbroken.  That started almost simultaneously with my jump into military life.  

I joined at twenty-six after two phases of trying to find myself.  I moved out of that phase where I sought destructive male attention because I had had little experiences of any other kind with men.  The next few years would open up different perspectives on the men I had chosen to be my mentors in life.  Two of my closest family friends found out their husbands, my friends and mentors, were not the people they thought they were... they were cheaters, liars and also self-destructive.  They were what I had stopped myself from becoming in the most extreme forms.  My friends showed me what it truly means to be strong, to be independent and to live with pain that far outweighed any I had ever experienced and more important than anything in my observation of their pain, was their willingness to share it with me.  

Now, in this new phase... which was totally new to me, I date men who lie, cheat and have their own motives.  I don't fault them.  I don't blame them and on another level, I am grateful for the lessons they are teaching me about myself.  Now, it seems, I'm experimenting with how many different ways a girl can get her heart broken!  Well, I was.  I'm a bit finished with that for a while and am taking a break.  A dear friend told me that it's all part of the process and that I shouldn't give up trying, opening myself up and getting my heart stomped on because eventually, it will be the right person.  I think in this respect, he's definitely more the idealist than I am!

I have also learned that despite my professed strength and my contentment at being alone and not having to have or be in a relationship, I really am not as well off as I thought I was.  I've just fallen into that typical pattern of an addict; replacing one addiction with another.  A new friend and I have had this talk a few times about vices.  I couldn't think of one I have because I'm so much of a control freak that I refuse to become addicted to anything like gambling, smoking, etc.  I know what it is now though.  

I know that the reason I am so hyper-active and that I am non-stop with my activities is because I have fallen back into the rut of being a workaholic.  

One of my favorite alcoholics in the world was my puppy-love's dad.  When he didn't drink, he was quiet and reserved but when he drank, he was lively and funny.  People loved being around him when he was drinking.  I think that facilitated his drinking.  One of my dearest friends from my real-estate days was an addict.  She had traded all of her substance addictions in for work addictions.  I also know many people who can't be alone.  They go from one relationship to another and then another because they can't be alone with who they are.  I thought I outgrew these patterns, but I haven't.  I don't have any substance addictions, nor do I have to be co-dependent anymore... but I do fill every waking moment of my time with activities trying to help other people.  If you become the person that works to try and "save the world" your work is never finished.  You will never fulfill that void but you can work yourself into the ground attempting to do so.  Everyone will look at you and think that you are doing a great thing.

I know many nurses who suffer from this same complex.

I haven't been writing as much... and writing is when I can usually still myself and be truly introspective.  I've been too busy to write.  I'm too busy to read.  I want to spend every waking moment doing what I can for my fellow servicemembers and yet I know that I can't do that well, unless I take care of myself.

You can't love someone else unselfishly without loving yourself first and duh, I can't help anyone without truly helping myself, first.  What do I truly have to give when in the giving, I'm trying to fulfill a sense of purpose in myself?  If I become who I am, then I have myself to give... Right now, I'm only pretending that I have something to give so that others will see me as valuable.  That's not what I need.  What I need, is to see the value in myself and not care what others see or don't see.  When that happens and I've achieved that, then I will demonstrate to others how to find their own value... and that... is true service to others.

Disjointed

I'm having one of my moments... 

The ones where I can't think on one thing for very long at all... I am making lists and have five websites open and am jumping from thing to thing and topic to topic.  I want everything done now and all of the answers now.  I can't stay focused and I want to scream.

I shouldn't have slept so much today.  

I need to clean, so I started the dishes... then I started to hang up clothes before being done with the kitchen.  I realized something I wanted to write down in my notes but then decided that I could do that thing better if I did some research and then I checked my email about every 30 seconds to see if anyone had written me on the poll I'm conducting for the name for the vets' group... 

Then I realized that our web page doesn't work and I need to do something about that, but if we're changing our name then it doesn't matter, right?  I ordered dance shoes for my class and the competition I want to enter that's in two months... did I mention I don't have any formal dance training?  So I need to check my bank account but on top of that I have really got to get my budget done but for some reason the budget is going to take too long and I really need to work on the Facebook page for the group... but wait, we still don't have a name I feel good about yet.

So I should work on the mission statement, that would be good, but when I research how to write a mission statement, there's all this advice on personal statements and holy crap the cat litter boxes need to be cleaned and I really don't think I'm a cat person anymore... Personal statements, oh yeah, I need to write one of those but there are so many because you really should write one for every area of your life that needs fixing and there are so many... I could really improve on so many and I wonder if there's something I'm supposed to be doing tomorrow because I can't remember it... speaking of not remembering, last night's interview was really great until I went off on a tangent talking for an excessive length of time... I'm so embarrassed that I don't want to post it anywhere! and did you know that I didn't even leave the house today?  I had so much to get done, like buy a new phone, mail some care packages and run some errands that I can't remember right now because I didn't make a list and I did none of it because I slept almost the entire day away?

And what about all of the articles I need to write for the group and the lobbying we did all week and the picture uploads and the emails to catch up on and I'm sitting here, writing in this blog because I really was about to lose my mind... and the best thing for me to do when I'm about to spin out of control, is write.  Or type... or something.  I can do this and not lose myself in five thousand other things.  Even though I would get more accomplished if I didn't.

I have always been a scattered interests kind of person.  I have always been a jack of all trades rather than a master of one thing and I have managed to use that to my advantage... but I envy so much the people that are good at one thing.  I wish I could be good at organizing my apt, keeping things in their places and focusing on doing paperwork.  I can't even sit and apply for my college classes, or fill out my VA paperwork (because I think it's rather become too obvious that I need to have my head checked), or fill out my expense reports for my drill last week and for the volunteer work I did and I have so many freakin things to do that I can't focus long enough to get any of it done and did I mention I really want to scream!?

No.  Now I just want to cry.

I'm obviously not doing anything right or well... except all of it half-assed.

The more I know that I should just stop making excuses and DO one thing, the more frustrated I get... and angry.  Yes.  Anger.  Impatience.  Temperamental.  I was not always like this.  This is worse.  And I feel like it's getting worse.  I've always taken on a lot... too much probably.  I've always felt like I'm missing out on something and have tried to do a lot and I don't know why I think this is all something new but it feels different... I feel more angry and more irritated and more frustrated... and almost violent.  I don't know how to describe it

And that fricken smell.  It's driving me crazy.  I don't want cats right now.   I'm off to clean the litter boxes!

Wanted: A New Moon

I'm in Texas for training... and it's been a long day.  I didn't sleep at all last night as I had too much to get prepared for this trip.  

Texas is beautiful.  Even in the winter when it's brown and dry, there's still just something about it.  The weather is a might better than the cold wind and chill of the District.  I wish I'd rented a motorcycle and have considered taking my car back to get one.  Probably shouldn't though as I haven't ridden on the highway yet and should go with a buddy or two my first time out. 

I have news that I haven't shared yet...

The Inaugural weekend was a bit of mania in the DC area.  My sister and I opted to watch from the comfort and warmth of our couch rather than brave the huddled masses.  I don't do too well in large crowds of people anyway.  I don't freak out but it really makes me irritable.  People get rude and inconsiderate and nothing good can come of it.  Lucky for us, the Comcast guy showed up bright and early that morning so we were able to cook a delicious breakfast, lounge on the couch with the cats and avoid commercials.  

While watching Obama speak, I actually wondered what it would be like to serve with him as our Commander in Chief.  I've only served under the Bush Administration... moments later, I got up and checked my Facebook to see that my friend had jokingly commented that she might just re-enlist to serve with O.  I joked back that she should... we could go to WOCS together!  (Warrant Officer Candidate School.)

I kid you not, not 20 minutes later, I happened to check my Blackberry and there was a text message from the Warrant Officer Accessions Recruiter telling me congratulations because I had been selected and was now a WOC.  Do *you* believe in signs?  

So here I am.  WOC Army Girl.  I've barely gotten used to being an E6/Staff Sergeant.  I have yet to decide if I'm going to take it, but it looks like it will happen.  I'm due to get out in April... but with the plus up in Afghanistan, I'd really like to deploy again.  (As I've been saying for quite some time.)  I'm just not sure how this year is going to play out...

I'm currently in training in Texas... and this course lasts a number of months.  My WOCS dates are set during the same time so that will have to get pushed back.  I also just started a new job in November and have already missed quite a bit.  There is that to consider.  

The new job is not what I had hoped or really, expected.  Sometimes it's just that way.  There are a lot of issues with it but the biggest is that I'm not really sure what I'm doing there.  Usually, I can find a purpose in everything and get an idea of why I am where I am and what I need to do/learn/teach there but who knows.  I have managed to recruit a few people here and there to the company, which I really like.  It's just the work that doesn't suit me or my personality and what makes it all the more difficult, is that there's a significant lack of leadership or rather- a completely different leadership style than what I have experienced in the past.  The environment doesn't suit me.  I'm a go-getter and I love to be "doing" and going and moving and exploring...  

The women vets' group is coming along.  If I had the money to quit my job and do that full-time, I have no doubt it would flourish.  There has been so much positive feedback and encouragement.  I can't keep up.  I still really need an assistant!  The emails, the conferences... I wish I could do them all.  As I said before... I know what I want to be when I grow up now.  The issue is, getting there.  Which path should I take!?  : )

Life has been very good to me and I'm very fortunate.  Today, flying back to Texas really made me think about my past.  I grew up here... this was my first "home" as an Army Brat.  I have so many incredible and terrible memories here... but I will always be part Texan.  It's in my heart.  

It's also been really interesting because the guy I dated last year, whom I talked a bit about in the blog... moved here to San Antonio.  I know I should really hate him for what he did, but I don't.  I hope he's well and happy, whatever and wherever he is.  I also hope I don't run into him during my several trips here to the Lone Star State.  Part of me is curious about what it would feel like to see him again.  Will I be angry?  Will the hurt come back?  Will I feel as indifferent as I do now?  Eh.  

The most recent breakup was difficult as well.  Interestingly enough though, the pain subsided quickly.  Almost too much so.  I wonder if it was even real anymore.  It's like one of those relationships that comes and goes so quickly (although I'd known him for years) that you're left wondering, "What the hell was I thinking?"  Really?  What was I thinking?  It was wrong on so many levels.  I can tell there's still some amount of disdain though because I care not to see the moon -and the moon, I was very fond of.  I'm sure it will subside with time.  I'll just have to make new and better memories in her light.  

Controlled Chaos

I have been writing posts, and not posting them because they're not finished.  I can't write as I did before... in so many ways.  

I'm losing anonymity but it feels like it's about time... and with that result, I lose the freedom to write as much as I used to...

...And there is so much to be written.  Most of it will go in a journal.  The rest of it will be lost inside of this mush that is my head.  It is getting worse.  The busier I get, the more stressed I am, the more difficult it is for my brain to connect the ends to the beginnings and such.  

I feel like I am doing nothing right.  It's all wrong because inside my head, it is all mixed up.  It makes sense to me... and I get it, but others don't.  It would be rude and wrong of me to say that they just aren't keeping up, but I think that it has more to do with the fact that no one needs to go at this pace and all over the place.  I'm not sure why I am.

It's long since been time for me to sleep. 

That's another interesting thing.  I don't want to slow down but when I have to, I crash.  Driving... sitting in front of the computer at work... those are the two most tiring events in my day.  The rest of the time, I'm non-stop and never out of energy.  People are starting to notice and I am starting to hear them.  Something in my head is not right.  It's not wrong... in fact, I don't think there's anything wrong with picking up and maintaining a faster pace, but it would probably be best if I at least did some research on it all.

Not tonight though.  This week is going to be constant action and demands.  I'm so far behind already.  I thrive in this.  

Controlled chaos.  That is me.  I am a paradox.  I wonder if Whitman ever felt that way... 

KIA WIA, Inc Closes its Doors Due to Lack of Support for Smaller Soldier Support Organizations

Below is a Guest Post from the Vice President and Treasurer of KIA WIA, Inc., a group started in the interest of supporting Special Forces Soldiers, but that grew to support as many Troops as they could. Through the dedication, commitment and understanding of one family, they were able to help many wounded Soldiers, family members of our fallen, and Soldiers suffering from readjustment that fell through the cracks of larger, more mainstream organizations.

It is very humbling and incredibly disappointing that they have to close and I wonder what more I could have done. It shouldn't be about competition, it should be about support for troops and the more organizations we have out there, the more troops and families get and receive the assistance they need.

Many people have warned me that this is a harsh reality when the subject of the non-profit I want to start comes up, but knowing all of that doesn't discourage me. If we accomplish anything, even if it's just bringing female soldiers together, we've served our purpose. KIA WIA, Inc. did more than provide monetary support. The whole family gave of themselves and sacrificed a great deal in order to provide support in any way they could. KIA WIA, Inc., is and always will be dear to my heart and I only wish I could have done more for them.

Our Non-Profit has closed. It closed with a steady decline of support, a
slow death. Most of our remaining products were purchased by our dedicated
supporters to help settle our outstanding debt. We had hoped that it would grow
into a larger organization able to help the many soldiers and their families
that had been left behind by other organizations, including the Department of
Defense. During KIA WIA, Inc.’s three years of existence, we were able to help
many soldiers and their families. To do this, we maintained KIA WIA, Inc. by
often depleting our personal finances, savings, and maxing credit cards, as well
as taking out loans, when donations were too low to support the needs of these
people. We did this willingly, in an attempt to keep the organization going and
ultimately in the end we do not have the resources to carry on any
more. We did what we could with what we were given and we feel, here in the end,
we were successful in helping those that needed it.
Our assessment to close
our organization was based on many factors and did not come easy to us; in fact,
it remains quite painful. It included the unfortunate circumstances of our
nation’s economic situation in 2008, which, understandably limited people’s
ability to support nonprofit charitable organizations, as well as, the
Department of Defense implementing recent policies and programs, therefore
increasing the assistance available to the families of KIA and WIA soldiers.
These two aspects, although not the only influence, have played a major role in
our outcome.
Personally, it was never an option for us to be compensated for
our efforts in any way. Neither J nor I could live with the thought of receiving
compensation, while there may have been someone that needed that assistance for
survival. I averaged 40 to 50 hours a week for KIA WIA, doing marketing,
and sales, futures, promotions, managed all of the paperwork and bookkeeping, as
well as vetting people that needed assistance. It disgusted us how many
people are trying to get over and swindle non-profits under the guise of being
wounded veterans or soldiers or widows. J and I with willing support from our
children, ages 16 and 14, did all of the work to keep our organization running.
Finding people willing to commit to this cause was hard, many people delivered
accolades and told us job well done, which was and is appreciated, but does not
carry a business or its finances. As mentioned in the beginning of this blog, we
also had difficulties in raising finances, not only from individuals unable or
unwilling to donate, but also from larger, better known, non-profits competing
for the same contributions.
We chose not to spend thousands of dollars each
month on advertising, but focused on providing aid. Bigger organizations choose
to spend large sums of money on advertising and pay for their product placement,
resulting in larger contributions, as well as corporate donations. Expensive
advertising does create more income, as well as justify larger budgetary demands
inside an organization to support its infrastructure, which ultimately, creates
the illusion of legitimacy. How much of that advertising budget could have
supported a widow who was no longer the media’s focal point, but has a very real
requirement for quality of life?
Despite all of the hard work and sacrifices,
KIA WIA, Inc. was worth it, knowing that the families, soldiers, and Veterans we
helped, appreciated, needed, and put to good use, the support we were able to
provide. We know that we helped prevent two suicides and gave people hope that
they needed to continue on. They reached out and found that someone does care
for them, even though we did not know them.
Through the duration of our
non-profit’s existence, we confirmed that the people, who traditionally give the
most to any charity, are the people that themselves have shared a similar
circumstance. Of course, there are exceptions, and we are not suggesting that
the Galas, Balls, and celebrity events that produce millions of dollars in
fund-raising are not appreciated or well used. However, people who come from a
wealthy background tend not to contribute as freely to smaller organizations, or
less known or uncomfortable causes.
Please remember, “Supporting Our
Soldiers” involves more than putting a fading, yellow magnet on the back of a
car, it necessitates action. There are still many organizations across the
country that require consistent financial support, volunteer help, and donated
supplies to fill a variety of needs. People should give, obviously based on
their individual capacity, and not consider a onetime act or single donation as
a solution to the issue. Philanthropy flows from the heart and our sincerest
hope for the future, is that all Americans will take an active role supporting
the very real needs of Veterans and their families.
“K” - Vice-President and
Treasurer - KIA WIA, Inc.

www.ComeCleanKBR.com

Below is a press release from Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America (IAVA.org).

Please read, please consider and please, please, please, sign the petition.

Thank You,
AG

"This week reports surfaced that KBR, a military-contracting firm, may have knowingly exposed troops to dangerous toxins in Iraq. Today, I am asking you to take a stand with IAVA, and call for accountability.

In April of 2003, members of the Indiana National Guard were protecting KBR employees at a power plant in Southern Iraq. After their service, some of these troops exhibited signs of cancer, tumors and rashes, and new reports indicate that these injuries may be the result of exposure to toxins present at the site.

Incredibly, CBS News has uncovered evidence that KBR may have known about the risks months before it took any action to inform those soldiers.

So far KBR has denied any wrongdoing, despite the evidence. Sign our petition and tell KBR to come clean.

At least one Indiana Guardsman has died from lung cancer already. Others are sick. In fact, records from the CBS investigation show that 60 percent of the soldiers exposed "exhibit symptoms of exposure."

So please add your name to the petition.

We need your support to ensure that KBR works hand-in-hand with both Congress and the military to find out exactly what needs to be done to protect our veterans.

We'll be working in Washington, D.C. to ensure that Congress addresses this issue head-on with a full investigation, and outreach to the veterans who may have been affected by this and similar cases.

Help us win this fight by signing the petition today.

Thank you for your continued support."

Paul Reickhoff

Guest Post: Good Soldier on "Don't Ask, Don't Tell"

In response to Colin Powell's statement over the weekend that the military’s “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy needs to be revisited, I have a few things to say.

First, I want to say that I genuinely respect the view that this policy should stay in place. This policy was indeed a compromise in 1993 that enabled gay and lesbian persons to serve in the U.S. Armed Forces without having to lie about their sexual orientation. That was a major step toward allowing a large number of able-bodied, competent, and honorable people the opportunity to serve their country. You may remember back in 1993 the Army’s “Soldier of the Year” during Operation Desert Storm came out as a gay man and as a powerful spokesman for the contributions of gay and lesbian persons in the military.

That being said, my response here is to point out what is *not* working about the policy. First, a few talking points, with data provided by the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network at www.sldn.org:

1. Over 11,000 men and women have been discharged under Don't Ask, Don't Tell since 1993. A 2006 Blue Ribbon Commission report found that this cost over $360 million in taxpayer dollars between 1993 and 2004.

2. An estimated 65,000 gay and lesbian persons are currently serving in the U.S. military at the peril of being fired for sexual orientation alone.

3. Women are discharged under the policy at a disproportionate rate; although women are approximately 15% of the military, 30% of homosexual discharges are women.

4. Every report commissioned by the U.S. government has stated that the ban on homosexuals in the military could be lifted without detriment to readiness.

I have also seen personally how individuals are affected by this policy as it stands:

One of my own soldiers on active duty was discharged under this policy. She did nothing wrong, and she was one of my best soldiers. Her discharge was based *solely* on her statement that she was a lesbian. That's it. That's all. And we had to process her discharge. I witnessed all of the UCMJ proceedings and can tell you that this is the absolute truth. Her discharge was a terrible loss for my section, and I resent that I had to participate in those proceedings.

I also personally knew another soldier in this same unit who was discharged under the policy, which took place after his sergeant in Afghanistan went through his personal items and found letters from his boyfriend back home. This soldier, also an excellent worker who got along well with his team, was severely harrassed and sent home from Afghanistan. Once he was home, he fought the discharge, but then he received a death threat by telephone. After that, he was willing to go through the discharge process.

Another personal friend of mine was investigated twice for alleged homosexual conduct while running convoys on a weekly basis in Afghanistan. The investigations found nothing, but stressed her out significantly during a time when she was also being stressed by such things as seeing a suicide bomber's head bounce off her windshield.

These are just three people who I happen to know. I cannot fathom the stories of thousands more who have dealt with the garbage that this policy has meant over the years.

The U.S. military has led the way in enforcing equality and fair treatment for all, with this one exception. The military was desegregated in 1948, well ahead of the Brown v. Board of Education ruling of 1954 or the desegregation of American society in the 1960s. Women were admitted into non-traditional job areas in the military in 1972 and women's strong presence in the military has been a significant contributing factor in maintaining an all-volunteer force since 1973. Has there been conflict amid the ranks because of these policies? You bet. Were they the right policies to enact at the right times? You could definitely argue to the contrary, but I happen to believe these policies were integral to advancing social justice in the United States.

If you are concerned with the safety of “out” gay or lesbian persons in the military, this is a leadership and command climate issue. Were there problems with racial integration in the military? Certainly. Racially integrated fighting men served in Korea and Vietnam as civilians rioted and murdered innocent people across the South during desegregation. Have there been ongoing problems with sexual harassment and the equal treatment of men and women? You bet, and it’s still an issue. But the enforcement of fairness and equality is at the core of who and what our military is. I do not doubt that our very capable leaders could implement a policy different from “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” both efficiently and effectively.

If you are concerned that loosening the current policy would create a problem with potentially allowing sexual misconduct, well, sexual misconduct happens every day amongst heterosexual soldiers, and it should be punished or otherwise dealt with according to the UCMJ. But, as I've mentioned, soldiers do not need to have sex with anyone to be discharged under this policy. As I see it, all sexual misconduct should be treated as sexual misconduct. All fraternization should be treated as fraternization. I do not find justice in having a far heavier penalty for homosexual sexual misconduct or fraternization than exists for heterosexual misconduct. This simply doesn't make sense to me.

The issue that I have seen that makes me believe that this policy change is needed now rather than later is the added stress this policy places on homosexual soldiers—as if being a soldier already isn't stressful enough at times—during a time of war and multiple deployments. Imagine spending an entire year deployed and not being able to talk about your boyfriend or girlfriend or partner back home, why you need to call home, why you're upset about your guy or girl back home, and so on. Or knowing that if anything happened to you, your boyfriend or girlfriend or partner would receive no support from your unit or the military. Or fearing that if you left any photos, letters, or gifts from your guy or girl out in the open, it could be used against you. Or knowing that any statement you made to any of your buddies in confidence could come out in an investigation. You could be fired just like that. Your career could end just like that. No matter how many years in service you have in, no matter how honorable your service or conduct has been.

That is the unfortunate reality of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." And I don't find it fair. I believe we can do better than that as a country and as the world’s most powerful fighting force. We have more to worry about in the military than whether our peers like boys or girls, or both. To me, it simply isn't relevant to the important job we have to do.

A Good Soldier