Jon Stewart, Chelsea Handler, Stephen Colbert, would-be Late Show hosts everywhere: your pretend agent suggests that you think twice when CBS calls.

TO: Jon, Stephen, Chelsea, Craig, et al.

FROM: Your Pretend Agent

RE: The Late Show Job

Sorry I’ve been hard to reach–phone’s been ringing off the hook here! April 3, David Letterman announced that he was retiring from CBS’s Late Show next year. Dave had barely cut to commercial when the names started flying. Your names. Other names. Changing of the guard, new generation, how will CBS rebrand against Jimmy Fallon and Jimmy Kimmel, blah blah blah. Drama! Intrigue! Excitement! I may have to hire a new pretend assistant.

Bottom line: one of you, at some point, is going to be offered a life-changing opportunity, the chance to take over for Dave and be the next face of CBS at 11:35 p.m.

Don’t take it.

I’m telling you this, heart to heart, as your pretend agent, because your real agents probably won’t. Why would they? CBS is going to back up a money truck. Well, more like a money van–late night is not pulling in the dollars it used to–but still, they’ll tell you, you would be crazy not to take that job.

Which would be true. If the job still existed. I don’t just mean that late night shows–despite the disproportionate media attention to the musical chairs–don’t have the reach they used to. Johnny Carson used to get 15 million viewers a night; now Fallon averages 4.3 million and NBC throws confetti.

But beyond that, Dave’s job was what it was because Dave created a new thing. On Late Night in 1982, he and his head writer Merrill Markoe created a show that embraced television by rebelling against it. Ambushing the Today show with a bullhorn, strapping a camera to a monkey, making a folk hero of angry graphic novelist Harvey Pekar: he made a TV show whose message was, Can you believe we’re doing this on TV?

Dave was an original. Your names are being thrown out there because you’re originals. Which is exactly why you are probably the wrong people for the job. If one of you takes over Late Show, you might do fine. (Dave’s ratings have been low enough lately that you’ll have a nice low bar to clear.) But you won’t be able to make a truly original creation, because Late Show is now an institution. Institutions have expectations, constituencies, and targets to meet. Steve Jobs didn’t change his industry by becoming CEO of IBM.

In today’s media, bigger isn’t automatically better. Jon Stewart–without the benefit of the big networks, you made The Daily Show‘s fake newscast into a laser-sighted commentary on politics and the media, unafraid to take sides and call b.s. You think you’d get to do that on CBS? Your bosses will be watching the ratings for Fallon’s Tonight, where he just invited Sarah Palin on to play the flute.

Likewise Stephen Colbert: you’d be robbing your audience and yourself if you left your character behind to become a network gladhander. Chelsea Handler: you hosted for years at E!, and yes, it’s long since time for a woman–but be warned, that job would sand down your raw edges beyond recognition. Craig Ferguson, you’re nominally next in line, but your quirky, thoughtful conversations would be squashed into the 11:35 celeb-promotion machine like haggis onto a McDonald’s bun. Ellen DeGeneres–you’d be a natural, but don’t let anyone fool you that this job is better and more influential than the one you have just because it follows the news at 11. Neil Patrick Harris, you are multitalented, charismatic, and a delightful Tony Awards host: do you want to churn out this show for the next couple decades? Tina Fey, you’re possibly the top TV comedy writer of your generation: keep making brilliant shows, and enjoy the occasional Golden Globes.

Louis CK, a genius comedian who’s also a genius about the business of being a comedian, gamed this all out on his FX show Louie in 2012. His character, a fictionalized version of himself, is lured with the prospect of taking over for Letterman, and goes through the grueling work of adapting his edgy comedy to the rigid format–though, in the end, Letterman re-ups and Louie gets nothing. And it’s a happy ending! He’s stronger for becoming the kind of person who could get the job, yet not getting it is the best thing that could happen to him. And the real life Louis CK? He’s a great talk show guest, but he’s making TV history on his own show, which is not quite like anything before it.

OK, Conan O’Brien, Arsenio Hall, Jimmy Kimmel–you’re already in late-night and if CBS writes you a big check to make a lateral move, mazel tov. But if anyone truly wants to become the next David Letterman, they won’t do it by becoming the last David Letterman. An 11:35 p.m. show on CBS is not the place for someone who dreams of reinventing the wheel. It’s for someone who likes the wheel, and doesn’t mind watching it spin in place, over and over, for years.

I’m sure CBS will find that person, and it will be better for everyone. Speaking of which, anyone have Jay’s number?

Who's likeliest to fill those big shoes?

Yesterday, R.E.M.’s Mike Mills let loose the news that David Letterman will finally retire as host of CBS’ The Late Show after an iconic 22-year run. Though, unlike Jay Leno’s February exit on The Tonight Show, there isn’t exactly a definite replacement in line. Some might argue for The Late Late Show host Craig Ferguson, who’s followed Letterman since 2005, but odds are that the No. 1 network across America would rather gamble with a more blockbuster name.

Naturally, the blogosphere has been exploding with suggestions — but there are a lot of contenders. So, in homage to Dave’s classic bit, here are TIME’s Top 10 Late Show replacements.

10. Ellen DeGeneres

For over 10 years, she’s hosted her own titular daytime talk show to much fanfare — specifically 36 Daytime Emmy Awards. What’s more, her recent stint hosting this year’s Oscars earned her glowing reviews from both fans and critics, and odds are she’ll be invited back next year. Still, she’s never cracked the late night thing — save her ABC program back in the ’90s — so it could be a gamble. Nevertheless, she’s proven reliable behind the mic, and it’d be a fresh start for the Late Show franchise.

9. Jimmy Kimmel

Yes, he has a show already. No, it’s not likely. But you have to remember: Kimmel is a scholar of Letterman, having worshipped him for years, so if Worldwide Pants and/or CBS came calling, don’t think for a second he wouldn’t sleep on it for a night or two or three. He’d be following the footsteps of his idol, after all. Then again, he has a strong brand over at ABC. Bottom line: never say never. Reality check: don’t bet on it, either.

8. Martin Short

At 64, Short isn’t far off from Letterman’s age, which makes this choice a little questionable. However, he’s always been a spry comic, and he’s also maintained a rare relevance with a number of generations, which is key for the odd demos of The Late Show. Also, you won’t find a better resume: SCTV, Saturday Night Live, and Primetime Glick. Wait, what about his three failed attempts at a talk show in the ’90s, you say? Hmm, thought you’d miss those. Yeah, that might be a cause for concern, alright.

7. Sarah Silverman

Her crude humor might have a hard time sticking on network television, but a name’s a name, and it’s doubtful many Americans could plead ignorance on Sarah Silverman. Since the ’90s, she’s ascended to the upper echelon of comedy gold, what with countless specials, films, and television series. As the former girlfriend of Mr. Kimmel, she’s also hyper-aware of the late night scene, not to mention she also starred in The Larry Sanders Show. Speaking of which, maybe Gary’s avail — nevermind.

6. Neil Patrick Harris

Now that How I Met Your Mother has come to its (polarizing) conclusion, it would appear that ol’ NPH has a clean slate. So, what’s next for the popular Tony Awards host? How about The Late Show? As Vulture points out, his former bosses on HIMYM — creators Craig Thomas and Carter Bays — were former writers for Letterman, so they could already be in talks. If any young star can do it, it’s certainly this guy. He can sing, he has an Encyclopedic knowledge of pop culture, and he’s savvy with crafting viral Internet videos — sort of a must for any late night gig now. Besides, we didn’t name him one of the 100 most influential people for nothing.

5. Jon Stewart

“Perfect. You’ve got the job,” is what any CBS executive would say to Jon Stewart. The problem? He’s the winner of 18 Primetime Emmy Awards and the current host of one of the most popular late night shows of the last 20 years, The Daily Show. He’s a god to Comedy Central and they’ll fight tooth and nail to keep him. But maybe, just maybe, he’s itching for a little closure and to move on. Remember when he took that three-month hiatus last year? Sure, it was for a directing gig, but hey — some new scenery like the Ed Sullivan Theater and institutional prestige might sound enticing, too.

4. Tina Fey

Few writers in comedy have the chops that Tina Fey does. Even fewer writers have the chutzpah, charisma and comedic wit that Fey displays, either. Let’s just say that she would, without a doubt, be a step up in every field from Letterman, save his trademark deadpan humor. To date, she’s nabbed eight Emmy Awards, two Golden Globe Awards, five Screen Actors Guild Awards and four Writers Guild of America Awards, and her work on 30 Rock and Saturday Night Live speaks for itself — especially her time as Weekend Update co-host to current Tonight Show leader Jimmy Fallon. Hmm — could this be the 21st century rivalry needed to follow Dave and Jay? Probably not if Lorne Michaels has any say.

3. Chris Rock

Credentials: Saturday Night Live, The Chris Rock Show, and too many mainstream blockbusters to name. More recently, Chris Rock has kept relatively quiet, appearing in the occasional indie film and voicing Madagascar characters. But you’d expect him to be jonesing to get back out there and do what he does best: bite. What better way to do that than every night in front of America?

2. Jerry Seinfeld

What’s the deal with all this late-night shuffling? Could you imagine: NBC’s trademark brand shifts over to CBS and goes head to head with Jimmy Fallon. (Personally, as a longtime fan of J-Fal, I’d be destroyed, but c’est le vie.) That’s certainly a win that would make William S. Paley smile up in the skies. Bur how likely is it? Although it happened in the last season of Louis C.K., it’s a stretch that Seinfeld’s ever going to give up his cozy lifestyle of rare cars and coffee to sling it night in and night out in New York. Again, don’t think he won’t get a call. But whether he finally says, “That’s it! That’s enough! I’ll do it already,” is up for the comedy gods to decide. (Or, you know, Jerry.)

1. Conan O’Brien

Everyone loves a strong redemption story, right? What better chapter to Conan O’Brien’s complicated career would it be to truly follow Letterman’s footsteps. As a longtime friend of the forthcoming retiree, the seat at The Late Show was likely the first thing out of everyone’s lips when Leno came back a-knockin’ in early 2010. Of course, the second late night war ended with O’Brien signing with TBS — and the rest is history.

Or is it? Last year, Ted Turner’s network renewed him until November 2015, which would bring his current Conan series to a solid five-year run. Here’s the thing: Would he really re-sign and keep Conaco in Los Angeles? Or, would he finally make his return to the East coast? There’s no answer to either question, but instead an even bigger question: Will he get the call at all?

Move over, sloths! Slowly...

There was a time, not so long ago, when sloths ruled the treetops of pop culture, swinging easily from viral-video fame to The Croods. Now, however, there’s indication that their reign may be drawing to an end.

What’s the only creature that stands a chance of deposing the sloth? It’s the crafty lemur.

But why?

The video of dancing lemurs above is from the IMAX 3D documentary Island of Lemurs: Madagascar, out April 4; it’s an in-depth look at the 60-million-year history of the island’s very special primate. But Island of Lemurs isn’t the only evidence that the creatures are approaching ubiquity. After all, the Madagascar cartoon franchise has been around for nearly a decade now, and its inclusion of a wacky-sinister lemur (King Julien) didn’t tip the scales of lemur popularity.

But even Madagascar is getting in on the beginnings of this trend: just last month, Netflix announced that King Julien would be getting his own show, debuting later this year.

Which creature recently knows that selfies are the new way to go viral? The lemur. Which creature has a popular expletive-laden Tumblr blog? The lemur. And which creature got chosen to be the alias of Ricky Gervais’ villainous character in the recent Muppets Most Wanted? The lemur!

Ever wondered what an off duty lemur does with it's tail when it's answering important emails? #MuppetsMostWanted http://t.co/KcVY9EVv6k—
Ricky Gervais (@rickygervais) March 21, 2014

Sure, lemurs haven’t completely overtaken sloths yet. But take a look at a chart of Google search trends for lemurs and sloths. The term “sloth” has a natural head start because it has multiple meanings, but if you compare the plural forms (sloths, lemurs) in the past year, there’s a clear downward trend for sloths and an upward trend for lemurs.

“It’s about time,” says Dr. Patricia Wright, the lemur specialist whose work is featured in Island of Lemurs. Wright was the discoverer of the Golden Bamboo lemur species, and confirmed the non-extinction of another species (the Greater Bambloo lemur) that hadn’t been seen for a half-century before she got there. “Lemurs deserve a lot more attention than they ever have had,” she says. “There are a hundred different type of lemurs, and they’re all cute and beautiful.”

And their photogenic nature wasn’t the only reason Wright agreed to participate in the documentary. A full 90% of lemur species are either endangered, critically endangered or threatened, Wright says. Her hope is that if the movie is successful, the extra attention for lemurs will help motivate humans to encourage lemur preservation. Wright and many of her fellow lemurphiles are starting from a historical disadvantage, as the island of Madagascar was closed to Western scientists for many years, but they have plenty of reason to make up for lost time.

After all, there’s a lot we can learn from lemurs. They’re primates (unlike sloths) and Wright describes them as “our most ancient ancestors”; because they were isolated on Madagascar for so many millions of years, they evolved in unique ways. Some can hibernate; others can eat food that contains cyanide. Lemurs also use their bottom teeth as a comb to groom each other.

But if Wright is any indication, the age of the pop-culture lemur can be a benevolent one for other animals. Though the scientist can’t wait to finish promoting the movie and get back to Madagascar and the real-life lemurs, she’s not immutable in her loyalties. “I like sloths, too,” she says.

The star said he has been wearing the engagement ring he gave his fiancée Amber Heard when he popped the question in late 2013

Where else would you meet her?

Lana Del Rey fans have been waiting (and waiting) for her to finish her forthcoming album, Ultraviolence. But fans may have been looking in the wrong place: “If you wanna be my little baby you can meet in the pale moonlight,” she sings on a track that surfaced this week. Take a listen to the aptly-named “Meet Me In the Pale Moonlight” below before heading off to the closest patch of moonlight to wait for Ms. Del Rey.

The track is as upbeat a number as we’ve heard from the singer, a disco-inflected track with funky guitar melodies set to a thudding drum beat and a melodramatic swirl of strings underneath Del Rey’s husky voice.

The song is an unlikely follow-up for the “Born to Die” and “Young and Beautiful” singer, and as intriguing as “Meet Me In The Pale Moonlight” is, the track will reportedly not be included on her forthcoming album, as Del Rey explained on Twitter yesterday:

@prefixmag wrote that for someone else 4 years ago …… New single is called West Coast

— Lana Del Rey (@LanaDelRey) April 3, 2014

While fans wait for “West Coast,” listen to the old track below.

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A hobbit, a hobbit, my kingdom for a hobbit! The "Sherlock" star, who plays Bilbo Baggins in Peter Jackson's movie trilogy, will rise to the challenge of playing Shakespeare's Richard III in a West End production

Martin Freeman will be tackling Shakespeare later this year in London’s West End, when he stars as the conniving king in Richard III at the Trafalgar Studios. The play, which will begin its run this summer, will be directed by Jamie Lloyd.

The Machiavellian role will be something of a change for the actor, who made his name playing Tim in the BBC sitcom The Office (the character was renamed Jim in the U.S. version), before becoming a superstar as Bilbo Baggins in The Hobbit films and John Watson in Sherlock. Until now, audiences have been pretty accustomed to seeing Freeman play the good guy.

Maybe Freeman is taking cues from his Sherlock co-star Benedict Cumberbatch, who will also be appearing on a London stage for a Shakespearean role: he’ll be playing Hamlet in the Barbican Centre’s production in 2015. Of course, we’re already used to Cumberbatch playing tortured misfits by now.

[Guardian]

"The Buried Giant" will be out next March

Faber & Faber has announced that Kazuo Ishiguro’s first novel in a decade, called The Buried Giant, will be published next year.

The book’s release is slated for March 2015, a full 10 years after Ishiguro released Never Let Me Go, his critically acclaimed 2005 novel about a doomed love triangle. In 2010, a film adaptation starring Carrie Mulligan, Andrew Garfield and Keira Knightley was released.

Ishiguro won the Booker Prize in 1989 for his third novel, The Remains of the Day, about the professional life and love of an English butler. The 1993 film adaptation starred Anthony Hopkins and Emma Thompson and was nominated for eight Academy Awards.

The Buried Giant will be Ishiguro’s seventh novel and while few details have been released, The Bookseller describes it as a story about “lost memories, love, revenge and war.” Stephen Page, Faber’s chief executive, called the new novel “a truly sublime new chapter in one of the most significant bodies of work of anyone writing today.”

[Guardian]

The 31-year-old Academy Award winner for 12 Years A Slave lands her first big endorsement as the face of the French luxury brand, saying she's proud to push the idea that "beauty shouldn't be dictated," but rather be "an expression of a woman's freedom to be herself"

Oscar-winning actress Lupita Nyong’o’s breakout year just keeps getting better. The 31-year-old actress is the new face of Lancôme cosmetics, becoming the first black ambassador for the French luxury brand.

“I am truly honored to join the Maison Lancôme, a brand with such a prestigious history that I have always loved. I am particularly proud to represent its unique vision for women and the idea that beauty should not be dictated, but should instead be an expression of a woman’s freedom to be herself,” Nyong’o said in a statement.

Lancôme is Nyong’o’s first major endorsement deal since nabbing the Academy Award for best supporting actress in early March for her role in 12 Years a Slave. She joins a host of other famed Oscar-winning actresses as ambassadors for the brand, including Julia Roberts, Penelope Cruz, and Kate Winslet. According to USA Today, her ads will begin appearing this summer.

Me + LANCÔME. #TGIF The secret's out. And it feels GREAT. @LancomeUSA #Lancome instagram.com/p/mXf0bcHuSd/—
Lupita Nyong'o (@Lupita_Nyongo) April 04, 2014