Compartmentalized Grief...

Fuck it, I had to take a break from the other blog, only to land on this one...

I have held so much grief inside for so long...I was bursting like a dam, like a water flow suffocating in a given, well delineated current... I could not even finish that post on Iraqi antiquities...

I have compartmentalized my grief - welcome ladies and gentlemen, why don't you look around and see for yourselves....You know, like when you're checking into a hotel, and you ask to check the place first, so they show you around...or maybe when you are visiting an old palace and your guide tour takes you on a round...ladies and gentlemen here was the main bedroom, here the living quarters, here the study....

So is my grief...

I compartmentalized it into "living" quarters, into rooms, into departments, into sections...

It is maybe because my loss has been so great...so multifaceted -- that breaking it down into quarters would help ease the pain...one quarter at a time...

OK I need to switch off again...this is too hard...

I was surfing to forget...I actually turned down a dinner invitation, am not interested...it's not that I prefer surfing....but something has been transformed inside of me and maybe that new "it" needs new surroundings...a new earth, like a new root, a new plant, a new flower...and hanging with the old and the familiar does not cut it anymore...

My soul cannot be confined in quarters, even though my grief is...

So I was surfing and as I was opening my mail box, I saw the headline news...from America...I laughed hard when I saw the headlines...because these people are as stupid as anyone can be...they are so stupid they are pitiful...

The first page of the news headlines was about Sandra Bollocks (bollocks in England means balls by the way) and her discovering her hubby's affair and how much she is getting support from her fans...

Hahahahaha, what a fucked up culture and what a fucked up people...

Am I supposed to feel empathy towards Sandra Bollox now, because her husband fucked another woman ?!

And when I think that these "people" have caused so much destruction to the extent of my compartmentalizing my grief - so I will not drown in a sea of grief -- I feel like sticking my fist in every fucked dirty American face I come across...

But then I will be sticking my fist in a pile of talking, walking, dressed garbage, my fist into a pile of shit....my fist will get dirty...will I be able to handle the Dirt now that I have "handled" the Grief ?

Painting : Iraqi female artist, Betool Fekaiki.

Another Flop...

I really should write a book about Dating Etiquette...for the majority of "men", are either too stupid, too clueless or too self absorbed when it comes to "dating"...actually it is a mixture of the 3 and what a deadly mixture it is...

Another date, another flop...

I accepted to go out with S for a drink...I knew that S was "interested" and I had met him through Lama's group, because here everyone has a "group"...it's all so groupie...I don't really know S, I just met S a couple of times in the "group", he happened to be an OK guy, wonder of wonders --  until I met him this evening, alone...

It started off fine...nothing wow but fine...pleasant...not more..I don't know what it is but men always, I mean always have to talk to me of their ex on a first date...and alas S was no exception...

And he went on and on and on and on....about her...how they met, where they went, what she liked, what she disliked, why and how it ended, and on and on and on....

He reminded me of some other jerk who went to great length recounting on a first date how he stood in the rain, waiting for her and she never showed up, and how he caught a cold, and his fever went up the following day,  and he reminded me of yet another jerk, again on a first date who went into details about the kind of lingerie she liked and where the best shops were, and he reminded me of yet another jerk who on a first date went into the most monotonous details of his honeymoon...and on and on and on...

Hell, I did not ask for any of it...I did not even broach the subject on any of those occasions but Misters felt the need to "open up " and S was no exception -- he too had to let his hair down from the word go...at one point I felt the need to hand him a couple of tissues...the guy was about to cry..I mean what was he expecting, a hug and tell him everything is going to be fine ?!

I mean seriously guys, if you're still so hung up about your ex --do us all a favor, go to therapy, or get back with her, but there is nothing, I mean nothing more off putting than a guy monopolizing a whole evening with me, me, me....her, her, her

This jerk asked me out - the least he can do is have a civil conversation WITH me and not about her...I could not care less about his EX, and if a man asks a woman out, one assumes he got over his ex to the extent that she is no longer a topic of conversation on a first date. Conversation is too much of a word...more like a topic of a monologue...What a  fucking boring uninteresting dickhead !

At one point, I switched off, I thought of what next recipe I should blog about, and that novel am about to finish reading, I wonder how it will end..what clothes should  I wear tomorrow, should I bring out my summer clothes?  nah maybe it's too soon... and that damn list of pending things...will he notice if I get my little notepad out and jot down a few ideas for my next work of fiction ? and the appointments - I really don't   want to forget those and oh that grocery list that I've been putting off...mental note to self - make sure to add  detergent to the list, totally forgot about  detergent and cotton buds, don't forget cotton buds...yeah I'll do that first thing tomorrow morning...if I can squeeze in one hour for manicure pedicure that would be great too...and don't forget to call R in Baghdad and tell him about the medication he asked for... yes am sure I can squeeze in all of that before noon...

Hmm...oh yeah, really, hmm...no thanks, am fine with drinks...yes... you were saying ....yes, yes, of course...how could she...

oh and Lama's birthday is coming up...I should think of getting her a little something too, maybe a CD, I wonder what kind of music she's into these days...I'll figure it out, will call Mona and ask her...yeah that's a great idea....

I hope am not boring you with all of this...(that said after 1 hour and 47mn - I timed it, been looking at my watch like every 5 mn), you look rather tired  ( tired is an understatement, am bored out of my wits and can't wait to tell you good bye for ever)

Yeah, I have an early day tomorrow....(thank you Lord, thank you -- it's about to end)

We must do it again  (no fucking way, you must be dreaming...) I had a nice time (speak for yourself mate) I hope maybe...like...you know, end of the week perhaps ? ( not over my dead body)

End of the week ? ah, em, eh, no not possible, I might be emigrating...well I have plans for emigrating...you know, it's all touch and go...

You're emigrating at the end of the week ?!

em, err, uh, well,  yes, kind of ...but do call me, it would be so wonderful to hear from you again...and thanks for the drinks...

Aahhh heaven -  it's all over ! Heaven, heaven, heaven...

Your Love Taught me...

This is a song by Kazem El-Saher, the Iraqi composer, singer...I was hearing it just now on the radio, and it so beautiful not to share and translate....me who absolute hates translations and am a firm believer that some things need no translation whatsoever...even if one does not understand a word...I mean there are so many other songs I listen to in languages that are totally foreign to me...and I am not desperate to understand the lyrics...I just feel them and I understand...beyond the comprehensible word...

Still I am going to translate this one for you -- parts of it...I will enjoy doing so...because it is a poetry that speaks to my heart...

Needless to add -- this song is NOT dedicated to any Arab asshole, garbage, of a male...




Your Love taught me
how to feel
Sadness**
and I needed for decades
to be taught by a woman how to feel
sadness...
a woman who would let me cry in her arms
like a broken bird
Your Love taught me...
how to be sad
and for eras, I was in need of that...
I needed a woman who would gather me
like pieces of shattered glass
Your Love, my lady, taught me
the worst of habits
it taught me to read my coffee cup
a thousand times a night
and consult healers and knock on the doors of  seers
it taught me to walk the streets
and its pavements
searching your face in the rain
amidst the lights of passing cars
gathering  from your eyes
a million stars
woman who has whirled my world
whirled my pain...

Your Love, my Lady,  made me enter,
the city of Sadness
and before you
I had never entered the city of Sadness
before you I never knew
that tears were human
and that a human without sadness
is no man..
but a memory of a man...

** Sadness here is referred to in Arabic as Huzn, which is not really sadness as in a temporary emotional state but sadness - melancholy - as a state of Separation, of Being in Separation...

And the song is called : Your Love Taught me  from Madrasat Al-Hob - The School of Love. (CD)

Basic Economics in Islam

I've been listening to a very interesting talk on Economics in Islam...of course I can't go through all the different types of transactions that are sanctioned in Islam, and all those which are forbidden, one thing that is absolutely clear is that Riba - Usury/ Interest is prohibited. This is particularly applicable when you loan someone money and demand interest as an added value to the sum you lend.

This prohibition came about when in Mecca, money lenders used to charge interest, making it impossible for people to repay their debts thus leaving them in a state of permanent indebtedness with all the consequences that are attached to this predicament...today we call them loan sharks.

Other prohibitions are hoarding, withholding goods particularly essential ones like for example -- food in times of crisis -- thus causing scarcity and inflation, making extra profit by raising/inflating prices to the extent that people can no longer buy to fulfill their needs, charging exorbitant sums unjustifiably so, excessive spending/thriftiness, buying things that are unnecessary, or buying things that you don't use at all - this joins the idea of hoarding/ accumulating...And by the same token avarice/miserliness is also prohibited, as the flip side of thriftiness/frugality. Of course there is much more but these are the essentials...

I believe the central idea behind all those prohibitions is that of hoarding/accumulating...and this is my interpretation of it. Islam is not against wealth per se, nor is Islam a religion of strict austerity, but it is against the accumulation of wealth that does NOT CIRCULATE. In Islam the circulation of wealth is absolutely necessary for growth, giving people a fair chance to lawfully earn a living...by circulating wealth, one creates work opportunities, hence employment, hence fight the plague of poverty. There are Islamic laws for employment/labor too, derived from both some basic Koranic precepts and Hadiths of the Prophet. But I really can't go through them now here...

The Subject of Economics in Islam is a vast and fascinating one and its spiritual implications on both an individual and collective level are important and much can be learned from -- especially in today's world where savage capitalism, unemployment and poverty are the plagues/diseases that will stay with us in "the new world order"...and I am well aware that am not doing it much justice in those very brief outlines...but I thought they must nonetheless be mentioned, however imperfectly so...

I believe it all boils down to a simple spiritual principle namely that Wealth - Prosperity also referred to as Rizk or Al -Khayrat in Arabic -- meaning in this context bestowed  livelihood/abundance -- is all from God, and what is from God must circulate for all to benefit i.e for the Common Good.

A Personal Manifesto...

This is my Manifesto, it does not engage anyone else...it is MY condensed philosophical observations after many years on planet earth...

I am going to keep on adding to this personal manifesto, after all it is my blog and I do what I bloody like...

These are my 10 + commandments.

1. Life is a Bitch and it has puppies
2. Don't get mad - get even
3. Love your neighbor only if he loves you back
4. An Eye for Eye and Justice is kind...
5. If you really have to turn the other cheek, prepare your kick...
6. If a man says "I love you" wait till his words sink into Action
7. People will treat you the way you treat yourself
8. There is life after death, so be prepared...
9. If you give, don't count
10. What really matters is the Who
11. Politics make the best of enemies and the worst of friends
12. Quality lasts, quantity evaporates...
13. Choose quality people over quantity faces
14. If it shines too much, don't trust it
15. People will tell you all kind of stories, believe only when your heart nods
16. Some things are simply unforgivable and you are not meant to forgive them
17. Humor is also a potent weapon
18. If you don't like the sound of your own music, change the tune
19. Speak to people in their own language or one that is closest to theirs
20. There's no point praying for a miracle if you don't believe in it
21. Miracles do happen when you believe with certainty then let go...
22. Love not based in Truth is not love, it's cheap sentimentalism
23. Sentimentalism is not Love
24. No one can complete you, they just make you more rounded
25. Marriage is a school not a romance trip
26. Solitude is the greatest teacher, provided you don't try to escape her
27. A man who is stingy with money is also stingy with his feelings
28. If a white woman tells you you need to be liberated, ask her what is it about her that needs liberating...
29. No one can teach you Freedom
30. Surrendering is a conscious choice - not to be confused with being a doormat
31. Not everyone will love, like or approve of you, expecting otherwise is stupidity
32. When on a different path, expect to be crucified for your difference
33. Most people take kindness for weakness, prove them wrong
34. Women give and forgive, men get and forget. If you're a woman, give with measure
35. If a man has cold feet, leave him to freeze...
36. Tough Love is sometimes the best Love you can give
37. Silence in the face of Injustice, is a mute DEVIL
38. You will get nothing from trivial people but trivialities
39. Earth is one manifestation of the Divine, you need to treat it with respect
40. Stand Upright if your conscience is clean
41. Of this am 100% sure, each soul will be held accountable for everything said, done and omitted
42. There's absolutely no point in asking a crooked person to walk straight
43. Those who can't walk straight will ALWAYS fall

Not Worth a Tear...

I've known Luma for about 3 years now...I don't get to see her much, as she's always busy or travelling, or engaged in some new project...Luma is a very active woman...maybe a little too active, but I can understand where she's coming from...Luma keeps busy because she does not want to think about her life...so she drowns herself in one activity after another...

When I first met her, I felt she was too hyper for my taste, but then slowly we got to know one another and occasionally we would meet and she opened up one day and told me about her life...

I can tell that Luma trusts me, because when we are alone she does not need to pretend that all is fine...she does not need to pretend that her life is "fantastic", one of her favorite words in public...everything is "fantastic" when she's with other people...she could be feeling so low, almost suicidal, but everything was "fantastic"...Luma needs to keep that aura of being "totally fine", always...

One day we ended up alone in a coffee shop and I told her bluntly to cut the bullshit...she got very defensive at first and quite angry at me...then she finally conceded that it was bullshit and since that day, our relationship grew in quality even though we don't meet that often...

Had coffee with Luma this afternoon, today she was feeling particularly down...she just learned that a man she was crazy in love with (they broke up 2 years ago), finally got married (to someone else) and now he's also a daddy...

And even though Luma and that dude broke up some time ago, she still felt somehow betrayed and she added that all the men she had met, eventually got married but not to her...she felt there was something wrong with her...

I assured her that I found nothing wrong with her, she is a very attractive woman and quite smart, and maybe her not marrying them, was a blessing in disguise...

She was not convinced at all...so I asked her why the relationship ended with this guy and she told me briefly that he was constantly putting her down, snapping at her for no reason, humiliating her in public and in private, constantly criticizing her (her clothes, her body, her hairdo, her friends, her past...)

I stopped her short...

- and you feel sorry this guy did not marry you instead ?
- but I know that he loved me
- this guy is toxic woman, what's the matter with you ?!
- then how come another woman accepted him ?
- I don't know who or what this other woman is, but obviously she felt that she had to get married by hook or by crook, and she settled for this guy...frankly he's not worth a tear...
- And what about Ramez, he got married to someone else too !

So I asked her why she and Ramez parted, and she told me that Ramez took money from her all the time, money that he never returned, used her car and stuff as if they belonged to him, he even took her cell phone and called long distance to the US, to chat with a friend and he did not even offer to pay her for that call!

- and you feel sorry you did not marry Ramez ?!
- OK, OK...and remember I told you about Tamer, he got married too.
- frankly I don't remember much about Tamer, but why did you break up ?
- you know, I told you, Tamer was very handsome but also very conceited...everything was about him, always...he had to come first always, he was constantly flirting with other women, and he even cheated on me a couple of times, at least these are the ones I know about...
- and you feel sorry for not marrying Tamer ?! None of these guys you're telling me about are worth being married to...the fact that some other women accepted them, does not mean that they were worth it, it just means that these women were stupid, desperate, blind...enough to accept them with their major defects...

So I told Luma about my imaginary ruler. It's a ruler from 1-10, and I said to her, to me all these guys were a minus 5. In other words they got less than 5 out of 10.

Why would anyone cry over a minus 5? Had it been a 9, 8, 7 or even a 6.5, I'd understand...but frankly none of these guys are worth a tear...not even one.

I told Luma she's very lucky she did not end up with any of them, because in the long run, they would have taken her down to their level -- a minus 5 and then she would really have something to cry about...

Luma and I finally agreed that anything below a 6 is not worth a tear...

The Lesser Evil...

I've been watching a program about Somali refugee women abandoned in some God forsaken piece of land somewhere in Kenya. They receive food every 15 days from the UN. A lot of them have lost their husbands and some were abandoned by them...this abysmal refugee camp has one policeman for about 15'000 women, with children. All of these women complain of being raped by men coming into the camp...no one is there to protect them...some are badly beaten and then ganged raped...one woman said "the minute they see you have no man to protect you, no husband, you become their prey because then everything is allowed..."

Hardly anything is written about these women...the same thing happened in the Congo, but there at least the horror got some coverage...

I was also reading about rape in Haiti in the earthquake's aftermath. Again, rape is common in those camps. And again these women have no protector...

The same happened during hurricane Katrina, in New Orleans. I remember having watched a program where hundreds of families were placed in some covered stadium, and again, some women were raped in that stadium...

Needless to say in Iraq, rape also became common practice with the fall of the previous regime...and the most vulnerable were/are the women with no protectors...those whose husbands, brothers etc..were killed either by the US army or by the militias...

Here we have two situations one is war like -- Iraq, Congo, Somalia and one is natural disasters like -- Haiti and New Orleans...and in both situations the incidents of rape took a substantial peak...

In both situations there is a breakdown of "law and order", in both situations there is "chaos" and in both situations there is an noticeable absence of a protective role figure...

In other words, when Authority, or its symbols like the state, the leader, the husband, the man is no more, the door is open for other "lesser" authorities, other males to enter and do what they have always wanted to do, but were held back from -- in times of law and order...in times where punishment would be inflicted (at least theoretically speaking), acting as a deterrent...

So basically it takes a man to protect a woman from another man...assuming of course that this woman is not also subjected to rape by this initial protector if he happens to be a husband, for instance...because as everyone well knows, rape is very common in marital relationships...

And somehow for the woman, rape inside the marriage relationship is preferable to being subjected to rape by outsiders...which is understandable, the lesser of two evils...but evil nonetheless...of course some would argue that one cannot talk of rape inside of marriage and some would argue it's preferable to call it "coercion". For me this is pathetic hair splitting...

In sum, a woman needs a man to protect her from other men, even if this protector proves to be a "rapist" himself...or let's say a "sex coercer"

What a sobering realization...