TODAY’S
FEATURE
Aquaman’s Sunday Routine
by Matthew Plunkett
RECENTLY
Fetal Tenant/Landlord Agreementby Ali Solomon
Conquer Your Day With the Power of Breakfast!
by Curtis Retherford
If You Take My Survey, I’ll Let You Watch Me Cut My Finger Off
by Eric Ekholm
Here’s the Winner of Our Haggis-On-Whey Contest!
by McSweeney's Books
My Life Has No Meaning, But Have You Tried the New Toaster?
by Madeleine Trebenski
STEM for Dogs
by Eric Schulmiller
RE: Your Identity
by Molly Roth
Are You Sure There Isn’t Something Else I Can Do Before the End of the School Year?
by Kimberly Harrington
This Summer, We’re Renaming Our Tampons “America”!
by Kendra Eash
Murder Beach is Open for Summer!
by Matt Bower
COLUMNS
Open Letters to People or Entities Who Are Unlikely to Respond
Lists
Reviews of New Food
My Own Private Shock Corridor
Interviews With People Who Have Interesting or Unusual Jobs
Key Ring Chronicles
How to Be a Better Teacher-Person Through Apathy
I Don’t Have This Job
Short Imagined Monologues
Teddy Wayne’s Unpopular Proverbs
Inside Witnesses: One Crime’s Many Narratives
Listicles for People Exactly Like You
Women Who Should Be Pretty Pissed Off
Rebunking Conspiracy Theories
Mostly Uninformative Infographics
ALL COLUMNS
ALSO NEW
Open Letters: An Open Letter to the Like-Minded Mom at McDonald’s PlayPlaceby Sarah Satterlee
List: Fitspiration or Charles Manson Quote?
by Kate DeSimone
POPULAR
List: Things the World’s Most and Least Privileged People Sayby John-Clark Levin
List: Obituaries for Teenage Girls If They Actually Died When They Say They’re Dying
by Karen Chee
List: What Your Favorite ’80s Band Says About You
by John Peck
Are You Sure There Isn’t Something Else I Can Do Before the End of the School Year?
by Kimberly Harrington
New Study Suggests Pregnant Woman Silently Yearns for Your Opinion
by Rachel Bone
denotes newish content, indicates a recent update.