The Daily Mash

Queen to be bombarded with lower middle class music

BRITAIN will pay tribute to the Queen by standing outside her house and bombarding her with music she finds ghastly.

AFTER a near perfect performance at the Super Bowl on Sunday, Madonna has been unveiled as the new brand ambassador for feminine leakage pads.

TOUGH new policies on workplace fun will make enjoyment of group activities non-negotiable, it has emerged.

SCIENTISTS have been asked to confirm that they definitely said they could make brainguns and if so, when.

RBS chief executive Stephen Hester has claimed his job is full of hidden dangers that could kill him.

RIGHT-wingers are intelligent enough to know that everyone is ultimately a self-serving bastard, according to new research.

THE £20 million bonus pool for Network Rail bosses is to be repeatedly postponed then replaced by a former school bus.

RADICAL Islamic cleric Abu Qatada is to overhaul British Islamo-fascism after being named as the country's first jihad 'tsar'.

Ordinary taxpayers to get a go at being Prince Andrew

Straight men trying not to notice Daniel Craig's eyes

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News briefly

President Kirchner makes 14th error of judgement this week, as massive submarine takes aim at her shed.

Supermarket renames product after letter from skin-disease suffering customer who claims it looks more like his buttocks.

Your problems solved

Make sure you shout 'fat slag' at any lone female who passes as this will make you look dangerous and witty.

Stylish Masturbator

We did not shake hands, partly because mine had some semen on it.

Science laboratory

With Mel Gibson's advancing years and poor diet, he's probably more familiar with asteroids' grizzlier cousin, hemorrhoids.

Psychic Bob

Your looped 'y' indicates a flamboyant personality and the forward sloping indicates impatience. But why is it written in blood?