Inside The Onion
Politics
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Shaken Attorney General Resigns After Learning What Murder Is
WASHINGTON—Attorney General Eric Holder turned in his letter of resignation to President Barack Obama Tuesday after discovering that people willfully participate in the killing of other human beings on a routine basis.…more»
Infographic »
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Growing Number Of Americans Distrust Census
Despite the fact that the 2010 Census form is the shortest in recent history, some anti-government activists are refusing to answer any question besides the number of people in their household.…more»
Local
News in Brief »
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Report: No One At White Castle Wants To Make Friends
DETROIT—A new report compiled at the Gratiot Avenue White Castle late Saturday night found that none of the eatery's patrons possessed any enthusiasm to meet new people.…more»
National News Highlights »
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NORMAN, OK—Teller trainee Gavin Sclater, 24, pushed some buttons and pretended to check the credit score of cute credit union member Penny Kramer before personally approving her auto loan.
World
Our Dumb World »
Entertainment
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Celebrity Smell-Alike Sweats Just Like Alec Baldwin
TOPEKA, KS—Friends, family, and workout partners of Ted Granding stated this week that the 35-year-old paralegal is a dead whiffer for popular film and television actor Alec Baldwin.…more»
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Horoscopes »
Aries Mar 21 - Apr 19
What others think of you is a constant source of worry, so take heart in knowing that they rarely ever do.
TV Listings »
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Guess The Dress
WE TV
9 p.m. EDT/8 p.m. CDT
Sheila from Pittsburgh tries to pick which wedding gown her mother won't hate and which her father will be willing to pay for.
Science & Technology
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Man Plans Special Weekend To Reaffirm Commitment To Xbox 360
HAGERSTOWN, MD—"It’s going to be really nice," the man said of the upcoming two-day, three-night living room getaway. "No distractions whatsoever. Just me and my Xbox 360. I'll probably even open up a few nice bottles of Arizona Iced Tea for the occasion."…more»
Statshot »
…Opinion
Commentary »
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Aw, What The Hell, Here's The Micro-Walkman We've Been Developing For 20 Years
by Howard Stringer
Twenty years ago, my colleagues and I envisioned a radical new product that would revolutionize the portable stereo market.…more»
Corrections »
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The Onion apologizes for last week's "Teens and Sex" column, which erroneously reported that the girl cannot become pregnant if you only stick it in a little bit.
Economy
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Rich Guy Feeling Left Out Of Recession
WILTON, CT—"It's just not fair," said the 49-year-old real estate developer and grandson of oil baron Duncan Chandler. "Everyone is worrying about an uncertain future and coming together to express their outrage, and I don’t get to be a part of it."…more»
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Report: $14 Trillion Spent Annually On Trying To Look Cool
WASHINGTON—A report released Monday by the U.S. Department of Commerce revealed that Americans spend an astonishing $14 trillion a year on countless, usually failed attempts to look cool.…more»
Stockwatch »
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HOG
Harley-Davidson
$1.09 $29.40 (up 3.9%)
