Wise Council Of Elders Accuses Day Nurse Of Stealing Change
Sports »
Musher Claims Free Agency Destroyed Chemistry Of Sled-Dog Team
WILLOW, AK—Though originally favored to win the 2010 Iditarod by a large margin, musher Stefan Anderson's team has put in a mediocre performance up to this point, a result Anderson blames on flashy high-priced acquisitions on the sled-dog free-agent market. more»
Inside The Onion
Politics
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Latest Sarah Palin Speech Opens Sixth Seal
IDAHO FALLS, ID—"Admittedly, this is not what we were expecting," said a University of Cambridge doctor of divinity. "The Bible speaks of a beast with seven horns and seven eyes, not a raven-haired woman from the north who knows not what foolishness she speaks of."...more»
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Infographic »
Growing Number Of Americans Distrust Census
Despite the fact that the 2010 Census form is the shortest in recent history, some anti-government activists are refusing to answer any......more»
Local
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Couple Of Cool Guys Just Hanging Out
NEW YORK—Cool guys Shawn Goldstein, 26 (left) and Walt Traxel, 26 (right) just hang out Thursday afternoon. Please check back in for updates as The Onion continues to follow this developing story....more»
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Unsung Heroes »
David Bryan, Tico Torres, and Hugh McDonald continue to write and play music, despite being in the band Bon Jovi.
World
Entertainment
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Once Mighty Super Bowl Commercial Now Sad, Pathetic 'Price Is Right' Commercial
LOS ANGELES—Though it once stood proud as a majestic and much-celebrated Super Bowl ad—captivating an audience of millions with its......more»
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Horoscopes »
Gemini May 21 - Jun 21
You thought the old gag with the banana peel was dead forever, and if it weren't for you and a Dumpster full of shattered fluorescent-light tubes, it would be.
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TV Listings »
Celebrity Shvitz
FOX
10 p.m. EST / 9 p.m. CST
An emergency bathhouse meeting is called after it comes out that Eddie Mekka hasn't been using a towel when he sits on the porous redwood sauna benches.
Science & Technology
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Nation Shudders At Large Block Of Uninterrupted Text
WASHINGTON—Without an illustration, chart, or embedded YouTube video to ease them in, millions of dumbfounded citizens from Maine to California were frozen in place, terrified by the sight of one long, unbroken string of English words unsure of what to do next....more»
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News In Photos »
Nesting Sea Turtle Escorted From Private Beach
Opinion
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Commentary »
I'll Be Able To Get This Big Pot Of Chili Over To My Friend's House A Lot Quicker If I Put On My Roller SkatesDone! A heaping, hearty 10-gallon pot of Rudy's Famous Five-Alarm Chili, simmered to perfection and all ready for the big party over at my friend......more»
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Corrections »
In yesterday's financial reform article on page 4B, we accidentally used too much ink in the accompanying photo of Rep. Michele Bachmann (R-MN). The Onion regrets the horrifying ghostly mirror image that was impressed upon the opposite page.
Economy
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Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls
EVANSVILLE, IN—In an effort to keep pace with the rapid growth of American mouthfuls, flatware manufacturer KitchenMaster announced......more»
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U.S. Economy Grinds To Halt As Nation Realizes Money Just A Symbolic, Mutually Shared Illusion
WASHINGTON—"I've spent the last 24 years in this room yelling 'Buy, buy! Sell, sell!' but what have I actually accomplished? All I've done is move arbitrary designations of wealth from one column to another," said longtime stock trader Michael Palermo....more»
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Stockwatch »
DUKE
Duke & Duke Commodities BrokersStock prices plummeted today as proprietors Mortimer and Randolph Duke, believing a fraudulent orange crop report to be authentic, incurred a $394 million loss from their purchase of frozen concentrated orange juice futures at inflated prices, and, in turn, subsidized the fortunes of two men—a former privileged investor and a onetime street hustler—whose fates they had cruelly reversed in a contemptible low-stakes wager.
