Archive for: July 2008

We’re not going to talk about the man who stabbed, gutted and decapitated a sleeping passenger on a Greyhound bus in Canada, because it’s a tragedy, and it’s better left to sensationalist websites to pander to the debauched taste …

Today the Burge-Goldstein ticket received a major boost in this very tight race when Mr. Burge’s press relations office leaked to Bill O’Reilly the details of two major position papers, one dealing with the gas crunch and the other with the status of exotic dancing in Mr. Burge’s home state of Iowa.

Responding to Obama’s recommendation that, rather than falling for the ‘hoax’ of drilling for more oil, Americans ought to maximize the fuel efficiency of their motor vehicles by inflating their tires correctly, Mr. Burge urged greater savings by manipulating the valves that hold air in pneumatic tires, utilized by almost all vehicles that one might find on American highways today, by means of a device called a valve-stem core remover:
Available at any NAPA or Pep Boys for a few bucks, this ingenious energy-saving device has long been an indispensable part of the high school prankster’s toolbox. Now, with an estimated 500,000 Priuses menacing our roadways — each consuming 300 gallons of Earth-raping gasoline per year — it is a key weapon in our battle for energy independence. Here’s how it works: 

Locate nearby Priuses, starting with the one with the thickest layer of bumper stickers.
Make sure Prius is not moving, and the area is free of police and surveillance cameras.
Remove valve cap, starting with passenger side rear.
Insert brass end of core remover tool into center of valve.
Turn counterclockwise until core is removed. You should hear a loud “wooshing” sound and within a few seconds Prius tire pressure should be at its correct 0 p.s.i.
Repeat steps 3-5 on each tire until Prius is completely inoperable, taking care to keep valve stem cores in safe place such as pocket or nearby ravine bushes.

Just think — if we all remain vigilant and do our part, we can save America up to 150,000,000 gallons of gasoline per year! Not to mention reduced slow-moving retard congestion in America’s HOV lanes.
When it comes to automobiles, polls show that the vast majority of bitter Americans trust Burge’s knowledge over Obama’s.  In a recent Gallup, 73 percent of registered voters stated that they do not believe that Obama knows how to change the oil in his car.  Nor would they trust him with a timing belt replacement or front-end alignment.  In fact, some 64% of respondents felt it would be “entertaining” to watch the presumptive Democratic nominee attempt to change a windshield wiper, rather than “informative.”

On the other big issue of the day, Burge plays to populist sentiment by upholding Iowa’s exemption for exotic dancers on grounds of artistic merit:
Despite the adolescent snickers and guffaws this story has generated, we all need to all grow up and realize that the naked human body is a thing of beauty,  something to be aesthetically enjoyed and revered. Indeed, some of Western Civilization’s greatest works of art — from the Greeks to the Renaissance to the Impressionists — have celebrated the human form in motion. We must heed the Muse Terpsichore, and not allow society’s blue nosed puritans to rob us of our rich cultural legacy. This is why I have always fully supported Iowa’s nude dancing exemption for theaters, concert halls, museums, QuikTrips, and so forth. This is also why I have petitioned the Iowa Supreme Court to overturn my recent conviction.
Pleasure seekers interviewed at Solon Beef Days by this reporter overwhelmingly supported Burge.

Below the fold, JD’s report on his golf outing with Alpuccino:

In this short match against an opponent 50 pounds heavier, I break the leg scissors, pass the legs, feint like I’m going for the choke, and secure the cross face.

Yield: tap!

Discuss — particularly as it …

In venting last night, I made two major points – politicians act in ways that demonstrate they hold mere citizens in contempt and they would rather waste time (and money) doing silly fluff stuff and make it appear they …

Righ’cheer:

One could almost hear the audible hissing over McCain’s ad questioning O!’s unseriousness over drilling while O! continues his Great Pretender tour, yet O! turns around and continues to insult the intelligence of those not completely in his …

The Center for Responsive Politics and seven other watchdog groups recently asked asked John McCain and Barack Obama to disclose more information to the public about their fundraising “bundlers” and their small donors.  McCain responded; Obama ignored them.  McCain also fares …

It’s true that Jeff’s called it quits for a while before, and it’s also true that he’s come back [and it's also true that he was away for 18 months, at one point. Just so you know].  In the …

If an alien asked me, “What is rock music,” and I had to play only one song to define it, it would be, “You shook me all night long,” by AC/DC.  YMMV, of course.

Camp McCain likes Barack Obama’s global celebrity so much that they have launched a new ad  juxtaposing footage of Obama’s massive Berlin rally last week with images of Britney Spears and Paris Hilton.  The ad calls him “the biggest celebrity in the world… but …