Sorry I couldn’t get day 6 up on time – but given that you have to light your candles just before shabat, there just wasn’t enough time to upload the pic and write something clever. It was an interesting night though. The sixth night will always and forevermore be seared into my memory as the ghetto night. Don’t ask… let’s just say that when the dude says you have to step out just to change your mind, he wasn’t kidding. Well, at least I got to greet the sabbath at the kotel and no one forced me to go to church like Red Headed Jewish Girl. There’s the poster girl for the success of interfaith families … Well, on to happier things. Like dreidels! What can be happier than a dreidel? How about a 7.6 meter (about 20 feet) dreidel? That’s what my pal Yoni Petel and his buddies built back in Canadia. Why? Because that’s just what crazy Montrealers do! Hey, it beats goin’ to church. Or hanging out at Lizzie Grubman’s Holiday party. Fun, fun, fun! Enjoy the last day of 2005 and the 7th day of Hanukkah.

When you have both a religious and secular New Years to celebrate, you need a way to not get them confused. So Israelis have taken to calling the January 1st New Year “Sylvester.”

Why, you ask?

The Israeli term for New Year’s night celebrations, “Sylvester,” was the name of the “Saint” and Roman Pope who reigned during the Council of Nicaea (325 C.E.). The year before the Council of Nicaea convened, Sylvester convinced Constantine to prohibit Jews from living in Jerusalem. At the Council of Nicaea, Sylvester arranged for the passage of a host of viciously anti-Semitic legislation. All Catholic “Saints” are awarded a day on which Christians celebrate and pay tribute to that Saint’s memory. December 31 is Saint Sylvester Day – hence celebrations on the night of December 31 are dedicated to Sylvester’s memory.

I don’t really get it either.

I’m sure it comes as no surprise to many that I am a bit of a geek. One of the more annoying manifestations of my geekiness relates to Jewlicious, wherein I sometimes obsessively pore over my site stats. In doing so I can see who links to us, where our traffic comes from and basically keep a finger on the site’s pulse. The other day I noticed many hits coming from a site called the Vanguard News Network. Subtitled No Jews. Just Right. the site purports to present relevant news, devoid of a specifically Jewish influence, to its white power readers.

This group of “disgusted and disaffected writers driven out of academia and journalism by … Semitical Correctness” grace us with newsworthy gems like this:

Order springs naturally from whites, whereas coloreds always present what might be euphemistically termed animal husbandry problems. Whites don’t NEED niggers – or the jews who sicced them on us. Jews need us to supply the blood they suck. Niggers need us to supply orange sodas and the magical stamps that bring them. ZOG cannot tolerate even the existence of other options because those other options would prove so attractive to so many that even the dullest massman would come to see that a giant trick had been played on him, that he was ZOG’s all-day sucker.

I dunno – maybe they were really driven out of academia because their writing sucks? Or driven out of journalism because they didn’t know the difference between editorializing and news? Well fellas, goood luck getting another job in your field any time soon! But these losers have nonetheless created quite a little network of sorts thanks to the power of the interweb!

They have a streaming audio radio show (VNN Radio presents Adolf und Franz and the drive time Hitler show – Making your morning commute 100% white! Seig Heil!) book, music and movie reviews, a Museum of Jewish Crimes and, most notably a quite busy and active forum.

Reading through the forum is quite an eye opening experience. My first thought was who gave all these idiots Internet access? Also, it was a post on the forum, linking to Jewlicious, that first introduced me to VNN, and that’s where the fun begins …

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Source

(also, happy secular new year to everyone)

EU observers flee in fear!
The Rafah crossing, between Gaza and Egypt has been effectively shut down. Not by Israeli forces, but by Palestinian police angered at unchecked lawlessness in the areas administered by the Palestine Authority. See, a couple of days ago some stuff went down between the Police and an angry family:

On Thursday, the Palestinian police officer and a civilian were killed in a shootout that erupted between two rival families. The violence began when a member of one of the families was detained by police. The man’s relatives came to a local police station to free him, and clashes broke out.

Yeah. Even families have militias that are stronger than the Police. Anyhow, about 100 Palestinian policemen stormed the Raffah crossing and shut it down, demanding the execution of the gunman who killed their colleague. They vow to keep the crossing closed until justice is served.

Except aren’t they the guys that are supposed to do that? Who exactly is in charge in Gaza? Oh, and for the record, the suicide bomber who killed Lieutenant Ori Binamo yesterday had another gig. When he wasn’t busy blowing himself up, he worked as… a Palestinian policeman. Yup.

These Policemen are fierce and resolute. Expect them out of the crossing by lunch time.

Today, another Palestinian suicide bomber died. He killed himself early because he was stopped by soldiers on his way to attack a festivity where there would have been many children in attendance. Jewish children. Israeli children.

He was stopped by a brave soldier who may or may not have had time to realize that he was giving up his life, but he must have known the grave risk he was taking. He used his body to block the blast and prevent the deaths of many who were around. The surprise checkpoint, put in place because the Israelis suspected pending attacks due to the Jewish holiday of Chanukkah, and a couple of brave soldiers, prevented the massacre of the children.

Lieutenant Ori Binamo, 21, of Nesher, is dead. He’s the soldier in the photo above. He was only 21 but was about to become deputy company commander of his combat unit. In Israel some 21 year olds are men with heavy responsibilities and he was one of those who performed exceptionally well and was a proven leader. He leaves behind a girlfriend whom he has known since childhood. He leaves behind grief-stricken parents who must have been exceptionally proud of their outstanding son.

Soldiers die in wars, as do civilians. Israel, for a variety of reasons, has decided not to engage its enemies anywhere near as actively as it could over the past few years. One could say it has not done so since Oslo began except for a couple of moments in 2002. The attacks have diminished, however, because Israel has been effective at gathering intelligence and stopping most of them. Almost 95% – 98% of attempted suicide attacks on Israelis by Palestinians are stopped. So it could be said that Israel’s tactics may not satisfy a desire for revenge, but certainly are effective.

In a couple of weeks, the Palestinians will vote for their government. We will learn whether Fatah or Hamas will lead them. There isn’t much of a difference, as we are seeing. The Palestinians, regardless of their affiliation, are at war with Israel. Suicide bombings; Qassem rockets; ambushes of drivers; weapons manufacturing and stockpiling; coordination with other groups outside of Israel; a leadership that refuses to clamp down on its terrorists; spokesmen who vilify attacks by claiming it is hurting their cause not that there is something inherently and morally reprehensible in sending terrorists to murder civilians.

Israel is at war. When we lose sons like Ori Binamo, as we have lost other very talented young officers and soldiers over the past few years, the price is high and almost unbearable. His death is a reminder that the cost is high. It has always been high. One percent of the Jewish population was killed in 1948. But their lives, their deaths, their bravery and their fighting is what has allowed Israel to exist and to survive as a democracy where Jews may govern themselves.

I saw Spielberg’s Munich the other night. A movie that compares a pig like the Palestinian who was killed today with a soldier like Binamo. It is the politically correct attempt to equate all truths and all violence. It is a viewpoint that we hear all the time these days, from the Left, some churches and many Europeans, not to mention Arabs and Muslims throughout the world. It is a shameful lie, this attempt at moral equivalence.

Today is a reminder that this viewpoint is absent a moral compass.

Here we are – fifth day of Chanukah. Nothing really outrageous happenned today. I stayed up real late last night working while sipping crazy Israeli melted chocolate. I guess I am kind of sombre given that Lt. Uri Binamo took one for the team this morning while manning a roadblock near Tulkarm. A suicide bomber on his way to Israel detonated his Hanukkah gift to the Jews early, killing Binamo and 4 Palestinians. Grim – I extend my sympathies to all berieved family members.

In other news, John Demjanjuk, accused of hiding his Nazi past, has been ordered deported back to the Ukraine, where he will no doubt receive a hero’s welcome. If any of you out there are of Dutch/Jewish extraction and lost family in the Holocaust, John was probably there in Sobibor with them just before they got murdered. Think about that. In the meantime, police may be closing in on Alois Brunner, Adolf Eichmann’s top aide and the most wanted surviving Nazi war criminal. Now that’d be a hell of a Hanukkah present, eh?

Happy fifth day of Chanukah y’all.

Or at least, that is how it shall be known in the annals of history…the week that Jewlicious co-founders became media whores darlings…

First up, chronologically, is the Gawker and Jewish Week reportage about Gawkerite Andrew Krucoff’s Very Jewlicious Bar Mitzvah Special, “Gawker Frums Out“:

“He looked like any other yeshiva boy, but he isn’t,” said David Abitbol, a Jewlicious founder, who blogs as “CK” — ‘a nice subtle way of saying Christ Killer,” he said — and who helped plan the Krucoff bar mitzvah. “How much having a bar mitzvah at the Kotel is going to change his life, I don’t know, but I do think it was a positive Jewish experience with substance.”

Then, we have “Pop Goes the Hipster Judaism Bubble,” the Jewish Week’s take on the youth-initiated coolification of Judaism. (That’s my word, hope you like it.)

David Abitbol, a founder of the Jewish culture Web log, Jewlicious acknowledged that the end-all of some fashionable Jewish parties was “pretty base.” “You get Jews drunk, in a room together and let nature take its course.” Abitbol agreed that there is “more to Judaism than borsht belt humor, and hanging out with people named Finkelstein and Goldberg,” but that it isn’t necessarily up to Jewlicious or Heeb or Jewcy to provide answers.

Jewlicious has also become somewhat of a reference point for Gawker; people who read the gossip blog regularly were treated to a 4th Day of Chanukah photo of CK posing with what appear to be Nazis on the streets of Jerusalem (but who are, in fact, actors re-enacting the Warsaw Ghetto Uprising).

This week also saw the publication of Directions, the Jewish Week’s annual themed NYC Living guide/magazine. This year’s theme was parenting, and one of the articles, by their singles columnist, recounted her experience as a babyless single woman in a world that was increasingly babified, including a citation of by Jewlicious co-founder Laya’s famous “Fricken Babies” post:

Recently, my twentysomething friend Laya noted on the Web log Jewlicious that she was weary of her friends’ recent baby-propelled descent into discussions of digestive systems and whether or not smiles are real or gas-inspired. She didn’t see herself having babies and “cooing along with the rest of the pod people” anytime soon, she said. Her remarks provoked an outcry from well-intentioned, but boundary-challenged individuals from all over the world. Invoking imperatives of Jewish continuity and citing Jewish population studies, they demanded that she drop this unpopular opinion in favor of “going forth and multiplying,” preferably immediately. One person suggested that as soon as Laya found Mr. Right, she’d want to “make a lot of babies who look just like him.” I’m no doctor, but last I checked, a uterus was not a Xerox machine.

With blogs being a viral media, press is always good. It’s always great to have more traffic; more traffic leads to more readers, at least ideally. And then, when this influx of new readers fluxes in to our site, they are greeted with the wonderful, mellifluous words: “the virgin Mary bleeding out of its ass.” Wonderful.

With a month of exposure like this, media experts are finding it difficult to predict what may become of the emergent media darlings—they could break away from the blog they co-founded and become a Gawker-rrespondent, much like that guy from Sugar Ray does on Entertainment Tonight. Or maybe they’ll spend the post-Jewlicious sabbatical promoting the Temple of the Ephemeral Jews. Or perhaps inspiration will come at Jewlicious @ The Beach 2 (its own post to come) and the founders will go into full-time conference planning mode, spreading the Jewliciousness across the United States and Canada.

After that, book deals, film and animation rights, image licensing fees, etc will pay for bandwidth and much much more…because this is the glamorous life of Jewish bloggers.

In the wake of last summer’s disengagement from Gaza, various Israeli media outlets were full of sociologists expounding on the psychological damage dealt to the religious Zionist movement by the failure, or at least temporary setback, of religious Zionism’s pet project of settlement in Judea, Samaria and Gaza — a project whose theological basis was a verse in the minor prophet Malachi:

“And the Lord shall gather you from among the nations of the earth and he shall establish you in trailers upon the mountains of Judah and your mouths shall be filled with the sound of laughter and you shall be clothed in raiment of joy, and colorful knit kippot and oversized flannel shirts, and verily in the place of the uprooted olive trees of Amalek shall bloom the cherry tomatoes of the children of Zion.”

As it turns out, these sociologists were half right. Indeed, massive psychological damage has been dealt to the religious Zionist movement. But, unlike the sociologists’ predictions, the religious Zionists haven’t expressed their crisis of faith by leaving the movement or the country.

Instead, they’ve merely gone totally fucking batshit.

That’s right. Find me one of those fancy, degree-having sociologists who predicted that instead of crawling into a corner and dying, religious Zionism would bounce back with a 5-minute Flash parody of The Matrix exhorting Jews to decide to make aliyah, at which point we’ll all float up from the exilic shackles of the Lower East Side and, newly fortified with knit kippot, alight upon the tarmac of Ben Gurion on the wings of eagles. Apparently those fucking eagles, despite being able to carry a Jew 6000 miles, can’t be bothered to land anywhere other than Lod, so, with 8 or so million Jews milling around Ben Gurion, it’s going to be really hard to catch a sherut to Jerusalem, where the Third Temple will have fallen from the sky and we’ll all have a groovy sausage party to Rage Against the Machine’s “Wake Up”, all under the firm but beneficent rule of kohen gadol Keanu Reeves and a talking blood red sun who keeps flashing out the name of God like a teleprompter on The 700 Club.

And they say you can’t get good weed in Israel.

Don’t believe me? Have five minutes of your life you’re not particularly attached to? Watch the whole process unfold in Flash thanks to your pals at Kumah (think along of the lines of aliyah organization Nefesh B’Nefesh, only without the economic might of millions of dollars of blood money from another group with a wacky Messianist wet dream, the evangelical Christians), Arutz Sheva, everyone’s favorite beard, flannel and M-16-happy banned news network and the Temple Institute, an organization noted for building an Old City museum dedicated to the 3rd Temple that could best be described as “pornographic.”

Now, look at me. Here I am, at the tender age of twenty, and arguably totally fucking batshit myself, an oleh chadash. I even liked the Matrix and Rage Against the Machine’s first album is on my iPod. I heart my people. I think I’m supposed to be Kumah’s target audience. But instead of getting me all jazzed up about my aliyah, the “KuMatrix” instead fills me with a profound worry for my fellow Jews. Do you Kumah guys need to talk or something? You don’t need to cover your psychological distress with bizarre Flash animations. Seriously. If it hurts, let it out. Michael is here for you. We’ll sit down and have some Gush Katif cherry tomatoes, and, if it’ll really make you feel better, we can even go out for your favorite: ice cream and ripping up Palestinian olive groves.

Think about it. For all of us.

And in the meantime, here’s my official Kumah Aliyah Revolution version of the Kumah Aliyah Revolution Theme Song, “Wake Up” by Rage Against the Machine:

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My G*d! Is nothing sacred?
The season finale of South Park, titled Bloody Mary involved a statue of the Virgin Mary bleeding out its ass. Pope Benedict XVI then pays a visit in order to determine the miraculous nature of the bleeding. After investigating, Pope Ratzinger determines that the statue is actually bleeding from its vagina, and declares: “A chick bleeding out her vagina is no miracle. Chicks bleed out their vaginas all the time.”

This of course created some indignation amongst more conservative Catholics. The Catholic League for Religious and Civil Rights, as they are wont to do, condemned the episode, claiming that it “defiled the Virgin Mary.” You may recall that the Catholic League president is one William Donohue who once claimed that “Hollywood is controlled by secular Jews who hate Christianity in general and Catholicism in particular … Hollywood likes anal sex.” So, whacknuts, right? Ignore the stupid fucks, correct?

Maybe not though. See Comedy Central was supposed to re-air the episode as part of a mini-marathon of the show’s most recent seven new episodes. However, it seems like they may have yanked it whilst under pressure from the loonie Catholic dudes. Yikes. Very bad precedent. So much for Hollywood being controlled by Jews though – Matt Stone, one of the creators of South Park, is Jewish and still they caved. Feh. So not cool.

Tip of the cap to Daze and BoingBoing.

Happy 4th night of Hanukkah. To hell with style guides. I’ll spell it any damn way I please. Today was fun-o-ramma for ck! I ate Ethiopian with Harry, Michael and Laya. Then we had some sfenj and sufganiyot – Yum! Afterwards we met some nice Nazis on Ben Yehudah street. They were reenacting the Warsaw Ghetto uprising as part of the city of Jerusalem Chanuka celebrations. I know Jewschool posted it first, titled Zionazis but we took the picture first. I know this cuz I ran into Mobius after I took the pic, whereas he was on his way to take the pic. So no bitterness, ok? Anyhow without further ado, here are the Nazis:

I also killed some Hellenist centurion dude. That woman and baby next to him may or may not be Mary and baby Jesus. I have no idea what they were doing there – in any case, I didn’t kill them. Really.

So seasonal, eh? Well… chag sameach! That means happy holiday and no – there is no war on Hanukkah. Except by David Kelsey who may hate the Hasmoneans, but apparently no longer hates some of us. Woohoo! With all this ahavat chinam, can the Messiah be far behind? Will the 3rd Temple fall from the sky?? Hallelujah!

So the Labor party under newly annointed leader Amir Peretz, a true dove in Israel’s Left, is floating the idea that their new platform will include the “Hong Kong Principle” as one of the foundations for a peace settlement with the Palestinians. Essentially, the West Bank will be given to the Palestinians in exchange for peace and the large settlement blocs such as Ma’aleh Adumim, Ariel and Gush Etzion will be leased back from the Palestinians on a long term basis.

As most of us will remember, a few years ago the British had to return Hong Kong to China after its 99 year lease expired. Today, Hong Kong is a Chinese district and functions under Chinese law. While the Chinese government has been accomodating about certain aspects of life in the area, ultimately Hong Kong is part of their authoritarian system.

Those of us who lived in Canada will also recall the flood of well-heeled Hong Kong citizens who came over to build lives and businesses in Canada which took advantage of the situation by offering citizenship to those who could bring in a certain amount of working capital and were willing to open businesses.

So let’s see: first of all, by offering this compromise Labor is suggesting that the land is to the Palestinians as Hong Kong was to the Chinese. In other words, it is their land historically and by legal right. That is simply false and it is unfortunate that any Israeli political party should place this implicit suggestion on their platform.

Second, false or not, this seems to be a massive and unnecessary concession to offer at this point. In fact, this would be a massive concession even in the 11th hour of any negotiations, but by proposing it now, they are weakening any bargaining position they’ll ever have.

Third, Hong Kong was returned to the Chinese and is now Chinese. The same will happen as the lease expires to any of the towns the Laborites want to negotiate away. They will become Palestinian. Their Jewish population will probably be evicted, if historic precedent is any indication.

Fourth, it is an immaterial concession since the Palestinians were willing to live without these cities in their possession in 2000. These cities were not the sticking points in the Camp David or Taba negotiations. In fact, they were all but conceded by the Palestinians. So why go back there and reopen that box? Why do so before entering negotiations where they will re-demand the so-called “right of return,” 100% of the West Bank, all of East Jerusalem and extensive reparations?

This is simply a bad idea and one that will come back to haunt Israel. Every Israeli politician of substance should stand in line right now to criticize this proposal and quash it before it becomes part of the platform of one of Israel’s main parties.

Sheesh.

Third night of Hanukkah! Yay! So it seems it’s open season on the Maccabees. Some claim the miracle of the oil never happenned because it’s not mentioned at all in the Books of the Maccabees. Others note that the Hasmonean dynasty began as the result of a bloody, fundamentalist civil war that devolved into an oppressive Hellenist regime – a betrayal of the Hanukkah revolution (link requires subscription to the Jpost epaper service).

OK so it may not be so much about the oil and more about the light and what that symbolizes. Our motely collection of Chanukiahs is representin (gettin kinda bright) as are Chabad who lit a Chanukiah on the Great Wall of China! But still … isn’t their some kick ass story we can get behind? Some seasonal something something that’s both fierce and symbolic and satisfying?

Well… actually there is! And her name is Judith. The Jewish Women’s Archive notes that

Once Hanukkah festivities included the celebration of two heroes – Judah Maccabee and Judith. Although for several centuries the Rabbis included Judith in their Hanukkah narratives, her story, recorded in the Book of Judith, never made it into the canonized Bible. The Book of Judith promised that her “praise will never depart from the heart of those who remember the power of God,” and she acted with a certainty that her legacy would “go down through all generations of our descendants.” Neither she nor her contemporaries could have imagined a time when her story, as a story of courage in the face of enormous risks, would cease to be part of the story of the Jewish people passed from one generation to the next.

They continue:

In the second century B.C.E., as the powerful Assyrian army invades the Near East, the town of Bethulia is besieged by the cruel and domineering Holofernes, foremost general of the Assyrian emperor Nebuchadnezzar. If Bethulia yields, the whole country will fall into Assyrian hands. Discouraged, the city’s elders agree to surrender the famine-stricken city if they are not rescued within a few days. Judith, a young widow and most unlikely savior, challenges them to take responsibility for the future of their community. She enters the Assyrian camp where Holofernes, smitten with her remarkable beauty, invites her to a banquet. When he retires to his bed in a drunken stupor, they are left alone in his tent. Judith takes up his sword and decapitates him. With the Assyrian army thrown into confusion, Judith inspires the Israelites to launch a surprise attack from which they emerge victorious.

Songstress Sarah Nadav (think Nathalie Merchant with a Jewish sensibility) notes that “She is one of a few notable women who have managed to save the Jewish people through their feminine wiles, quick thinking and good aim. If you can name me two others than I will send you a free CD!”

So give it some thought, listen to Sarah’s music and contact Sarah if you have the answer (hint – tent peg). Otherwise, Happy Hanukkah!

Google announced that they’re going to limit the resolution of aerial photos of certain parts of Israel, to protect any areas that might house military installations:

Google currently offers satellite photos of eight locations in Israel: Jerusalem, Tel Aviv, the Dead Sea, Masada, the Dimona Nuclear Research Center (DNRC), Sdot Micha (listed as a nuclear weapons base), the Kinneret, and the Mizpe Ramon crater.

(Arutz Sheva)

Mobius, Michael and Krucoff make a death-defying, ear-popping journey from Masada to the West Bank to Tverya to Majdal Shams.

Krucoff and I lay claim to the Golan Heights.

In an unprecedented extension of both the Jewlicious/Jewschool sulha and the blatant Jewlicious/Jewschool Krucoff-whoring (just kidding, we love the guy on his own merits, not just for his big, hot media connections), sinister Jewschool overlord Mobius, Gawker mascot boy Krucoff, and lil’ ol’ me rented a car and embarked on a thrilling two day educational tour of the Holy Land, ranging from Masada, the pleasantly balmy last-stand outpost of anti-Roman-imperialist Zealots during the First Jewish Revolt, to the snowy peaks of Majdal Shams in the Golan Heights, the largest Druze town in Israel and a hotbed of pro-Syrian activity, and incidentally in possession of Israel’s coolest town name (Tower of the Sun, for those of you who either don’t speak any Arabic or have trouble identifying cognates).

Krucoff and Mo preparing to overthrow the sinister forces of Western imperalism from their stronghold in the Judean Desert.

We started our journey with a tour of Masada, where we educated young Krucoff on the proud warrior history of our people, and made an endless series of increasingly unfunny jokes along the lines of, “And if you look down there, you can see the remnants of the ancient Roman Masada Sound and Light Show.” We would have stayed longer and further cemented the boy’s budding Jewish nationalism, but Krucoff got a call from his lady friend, currently on some sort of bike trip in Israel, and we trotted off to tacky Dead Sea resort town Ein Boqeq to meet the girl who inspired a Lower East Side sheygetz to travel 6000 miles from the nearest good bagel in order to further his Jewish education.

After the requisite two hours of Jewish Geography, we piled back into the car and embarked on a long drive up the Jordan Valley through the West Bank to Tverya, or for you gentiles “Tiberias.” I would highly recommend the Jordan Valley drive. It was so stunning that Mo didn’t even give us a spiel about the inherent inequity of Israeli-only roads running through theoretically Palestinian territory within rifle spitting distance of the Jordanian border and happy sunny cities like Jericho (heh, just kidding. Sort of).

After a meeting with Jewschoolite shamirpower, leading a Birthright trip docked at a Galilean kibbutz, and restful night in Tverya, we headed for a tour of the Galil and Golan, regions noted for the remarkable beauty of their landscapes when not pouring down rain and foggy, which it was. We stopped to take a brief tour of the Mount of Beatitudes, location of Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount, somewhat surly Brides of Christ and a rather nice gift shop, whose immaculately manicured seaside location further proved that the Catholic Church friggin’ owns all the good real estate in Israel. We continued to the Golan, an ancient volcanic plateau littered with crumbling Syrian bunkers, active minefields and somewhat bitter Druze. It also has Israel’s only cute Swiss-esque ski lodge and is notable for being really, really friggin’ cold.

Krucoff and I shiver in the Golan. Note snow-capped peaks. And would somebody please buy me shoes?

And then, as all good things must end, we started our journey homeward, which was mostly unremarkable save for driving into a bunch of sort of jittery soldiers in the West Bank which prompted Krucoff to give his mother (on the phone at the time) a heart attack by cheerfully announcing, “Mom, I have to go, we have guns pointed at us.”

And with that in mind, we at Jewlicious and Jewschool would like to bid Mr. Krucoff a fond farewell. He has returned to New York not only a man, but, one would hope, a little wiser and a little more leery of crazy people on the Internet who want to plaster his picture all over their websites. Krucoff! Come back and visit!

Muffti wrote up a post on this, but then for some reason that Muffti can only blame hashem for, it got lost. So here’s an abridged version.

Muffti was going to take Xmas eve easy but Manwhore Jonathon wanted to go to the city so Muffti and MWJ jumped in the car and drove to EVs. Proud Self Loather showed up with his wife and her friend. Slivovice (plum czech brandy) was graciously provided by EV as well as a few Czech beers (he also had some other Czech substances around, but we’ll blog about that some other time.) Anyhow, beers were pounded and here’s a pre-party photo of PSL, EV (a.k.a. Geoff Rush), and yours truly, the Muffti:

(Shut up. It’s a bad photo). EV is a gracious host and a generally cool guy so Muffti was happy to chill at his apartment for a while and, to put it in the phrase of the sorority girls and frat boys in the Jersey area, pre-game.

Anyhow, we went to the heeb party where we were greeted with a line, mostly full of dudes. Despite this, we trudged in and paid the 20$ cover (as EV found out, the advertised ‘18$ with exact change’ was a farce). MWJ and Muffti hit the bar for tequila shots and beers, and as a result Muffti hereby appologizes to his landlord for his expected inability to pay January’s rent. In any case, EV caught a hold of none other than David Kelsey and introduced the Muff to the kvetcher. DK looked Muffti up and down and said ‘you’re a bit of a pretty boy for a philosopher’. Muffti isn’t quite sure that’s a compliment, but…DK turns out to be a great guy and a good time was had by all.

How was the party part of the party? Muffti won’t sugar-coat it; it was ok but not great. The phrase ‘this is just like a matzo ball’ was thrown around; but Muffti can’t confirm that statement because he’s never been to a matzo ball before. Surely it’s an insult, however, because the Heeb party was advertized as being for people who think that ‘matzo ball blows’. Anyhow, it wasn’t all that bad, but not quite as happening as Muffti would have liked. Then again, it was Xmas eve so Muffti can’t complain too much. Heeb was basically competing with the aformentioned Matzo Ball, movies and strip clubs. Anyhow, there were cute bartenders and some cage dancing. Weirdest of all was upstairs, Muffti saw the orthodox rapper entertainment (whose name he forgets but he’s pretty sure it’s not that reggae guy, Matityahu or whatever) sitting down while a very attractive eastern european girl was dancing seductively for him, albeit about 6 feet away. When Muffti asked if she was giving a no-contact lapdance, she told mMuffti ‘go speak to him! [pointing at the Ortho rapper] He’s not jealous’. Muffti wasn’t totally sure what she meant but he wasn’t able to glean much more. Here’s a snippet:

Muffti: Where are you from?
Attractive Dancer (AD): Europe.
Muffti: Yes, obviously, but where in Europe?
AD: Europe.
Muffti: So whose the rapper dude you are dancing for?
AD: You should talk to him!
Muffti: No, thanks.
AD: No really, you shoudl he’s not jealous!

Muffti was (he thinks understandably) confused: why would talking to rapper dude make HIM jealous?!! It went on like that for a bit until Muffti realized he really might have to talk to the rapper. But he opted for more tequila shots instead. In any case, it was a good night, MWJ met a grrl and Muffti got to put some faces to some of the commentors and posters from our mortal enemies newly renewed friends, Jewschool.

… Esther sent to me …
Tonight we lit 2 candles, or seven if we followed beit Shamai instead of beit Hillel. They say that when the messiah comes, we will all follow the stricter beit Shamai, but for now however, we follow the more lenient beit Hillel school of thought. Maybe tomorrow we’ll look at what those schools of thought say about Hanukkah because tonight, everyone’s busy with the awesome Chanookah gift basket Esther sent us all from America! I mean, cashews, a bottle of Reisling, cookies and candies and chocolate gelt. YUM! Thanks Esther! Also on display, ironic chestnuts NOT roasting on an open shamash candle as well as a Sfenj (Moroccan doughnut – click on link for recipe). Between me and the sfenj, we’re pretty much the only Moroccan things in all of Rechaviah! OK. Happy 2nd day of Hanukkah all y’all!

Oh, funny story. When the gift basket dude came to make the delivery, Rebecca was home and answered the door. He asked if she was Laya. Rebecca answered “No, Laya is my roomate.” A sly grin spreading on his face, gift basket dude then replied “Oh really? Would you liking to be my roomate?” Heh … silly gift basket dude!

My latkes were delicious.

And there were too many of them.

At Chateau Laybecca, Jerusalem
Well, it’s the first day of Hanukkah, or Chanukah or whatever it is you want to call it. I hope you all lit candles and are eating oily treats, sufganiyot, sfenj or latkes. Maybe you’re playing with your dreidl too! Surely you’re well rested after Nitl Nacht, the one day a year on Christmas Eve where you’re not supposed to study Torah (I know, I know, ma nishtana ha laylah ha zeh… oy). Perhaps you want to contemplate weighty issues, such as the historical origins of Hanukkah as a bloody civil war between Jews who wanted to maintain their way of life, vs. Jews who wanted to be a part of the prevailing Hellenistic cultural norm (reverse circumcisions – read all about it!).

Or maybe you just want some good entertainment? Fair enough. Here’s this year’s crop of just-in-time-for-Chanukah funny stuff for you to enjoy. There’s Christmastime for the Jews, Robert Smigel’s Saturday Night Live TV Funhouse claymation. Perhaps you might enjoy Sarah Silverman’s Give The Jew Girl Toys (“Hey, Santa! You’ve got as much to do with Jesus as you do with Scooby Doo!”). You may also want to revisit a classic with some, but not much Jewish content – South Park’s Jesus vs. Santa. And what is Hanukkah without some Hassidic tinged hip hop? Check out the appropriately named Jew Da Maccabi’s Iron Like a Lion Video and while you’re at it, how about some Hassidic reggae and Matisyahu’s new video for King Without a Crown. I’m sure I missed tons – feel free to share any other cool Chanukah stuff with us here, from the literary to the satirical to the just plain silly.

Lots of Christmas stuff here, I know, but what with the War on Christmas thing and the proximity of both, dare I say it, holidays, it’s only natural. Consequently, you may want to know more about how the other side lives, you may even decide to look up “baby Jesus” on Google. If you do, don’t click on the first link. Unless you want to buy baby Jesus butt plugs.

Yay! Happy Chanukah!

The Altar of Unholy Blasphemy aren’t out to expel anyone from a country or kill anyone. At least as far as Muffti can tell. These guys may qualify as a hate site by the letter of the criteria, not the spirit. But boy do they dislike theists! And that’s what makes this, Hannuka and Christmas time, the perfect time to showcase them on the H.S.o.W. Witness an excerpt from the section ‘Sodomize Jesus Christ’:

Priests are afraid, too, but they know how to get what they want because it is simply a commodity, an object, as they manipulate it. Priests are often twisted sick men…nihilistic enough to execute sins of pure corruption, such as sodomizing young boys in the confessionals, which has occurred in over four billion cities within the last two years. We believe that every priest around you needs a good dick in the ass, which is something you can give him!

Four billion cities in the last two years!

Their advice?

Fight back and reject their ideas and have total uncaringness (dissonance) to their needs. We have needs beyond what this slaughterhouse breeding ground of a society can provide; we know we are only here to support the parasites in control. Fight back and blaspheme their holiest ideals: purity, submission, duty. Distort all image to which they demand obedience. In your heart provide the virus that will resurrect your spirit.

For what it’s worth, though, they aren’t very violent. If anything, they seem pretty chill about their belief that our species is weak, disgusting and undergoing self-genocide. They know that people will think they are kooks. They suggest:

You will face adversity, as we have. Christians will claim that you are evil, on drugs (they may have a point here), and a Satanist; Jews will scream about “AntiSemitism” while continuing to murder their neighbors who are Arabic Semites. Face the accusations with pride and explain that you think their religions are inane and not a logical or emotionally productive approach to reality.

Hey, wait, that’s what Muffti thinks!

Anyhow, as Muffti said at the opening, these guys are only a hate site because, well, they hate some stuff. Muffti will close with a short bit of their ‘incantation’:

WHEN I DIE I WILL RIP OUT THE EYES OF YOUR GOD

My spirit is greater than his

I will crush him

I will end the aeon of the herd

Die, Enslaver

Die, Jehovah

You whore of fear

Spiritual Corporation

I mock you now
Weak in the land of the weak
…(it’s quite long)…
We will rise
In the anger of formation
Primordial vengeance
Upon all evolution
Our sins are ripe
Eyes furious in hate

The throne tumbles
We are one.

When I was in Israel, the gift store Happening (on Ben Yehuda Street in Jerusalem was known for its overpriced gifts, funny/shmaltzy posters about Israelis, mylar balloons, crazy greeting cards and postcards, and, of course, being the home of Cowboy Fudge.

But now, according to the Jerusalem Post, Happening is the center of Israel’s own December Dilemma: the Ramat Aviv branch has started selling Christmas trees, not out of an increasing demand from local Christians, but because the native Israelis want them as a winter decoration. The owners were puzzled:

“We weren’t used to so many native Israelis buying the trees. So we began asking them why. Everybody said there was nothing religious about the whole thing. It was just a reason for a party. They got the idea from TV or from trips abroad.”

[TV is the devil. A delicious, tempting, addictive devil. Similarly, travel: one should never go anywhere. It can only lead to personal ruin and coveting of other people's lifestyles. For instance, should one go to California on the premise of attendance at, say, a student conference on Jewish identity, one might be seduced into staying to become part of the deviantly sunny California lifestyle. For example.]

The owner of the store sells other things: Santas, lights, ornaments, tinsel, etc, but no crosses or “other religious items.”

“What I sell has nothing to do with religion. In Russia we did not celebrate December 25. We only celebrated the New Year. Everyone had trees but no one was religious. The communists forbid religion.”

In an interesting twist, the article highlights the fact that the purveyors of these pines are not religious and moreover, feel the need to justify to themselves and others why they sell these items, which have clear religious significance to anyone in a Christian culture. They sell because there’s a market for it. But they know that what they’re selling isn’t exactly Judaica, and their personal religious practices are often in direct conflict with the type of merchandise that puts the kosher food on their tables.

But it’s all about what the market will bear, I guess:

Lilach Cohen, 31, of Ramat Gan, interrupts to ask the price of a tree. Cohen says she is buying the tree for a Christmas party she is having at her house. “It is just another opportunity to party,” says Cohen, who senses the need to address the religious issue, and adds, “I am secure enough with my faith in God to do something like this. The tree has no religious meaning for me whatsoever.” Cohen said she got the idea for the tree from TV.

Of course, some Israelis also think selling Christmas trees is wrong. And of course, rabbis think it’s idolatry. One Chabad rabbi explains why some Israelis are for, and some are against, the trees:

“Jews who are so distant from Judaism that they do not understand the idolatrous aspect of the Christmas tree do not feel threatened by it. Others, like Brizon, have a deeper understanding of both Judaism and the Christmas tree. They realize that they have reached a point of no return. That a Christmas tree is not just international folklore. It is idolatry. So their [Jewish] soul awakens.”

Given that this article is about trees in Israel, trees that are being cut down for one day a year that isn”t even a holiday for many of Israel’s indigenous citizens, I’m actually surprised that there’s no mention of JNF and their years-long efforts toward reforestation.

So, to close this post without a point other than Loraxian speaking for or against the trees, I give you the Dry Bones blog.

Hat tip to the lovely Annabel Lee.

Steven Spielberg gives a pretty in depth interview to Roger Ebert about his no-win situation making “Munich”. Indeed, when opening up the Middle East for discussion you often get attacked from all sides.

In the interview Spielberg talks about his love and support of Israel;

“I am as truly pro-Israeli as you can possibly imagine. From the day I became morally and politically conscious of the importance of the state of Israel and its necessity to exist, I have believed that not just Israel, but the rest of the world, needs Israel to exist.

Later on he adds

“This film is no more anti-Israel than a similar film which offered criticism of America is anti-America,” he said. “Criticism is a form of love. I love America, and I’m critical of this administration. I love Israel, and I ask questions. Those who ask no questions may not be a country’s best friends.”

Agreed. If the movie is such that even Abe Foxman of the ADL says the movie treats Israel fairly, then who are we to disagree?

Nonetheless the choice of Tony Kushner as screenwriter, a man apparently on record as saying “I wish modern Israel hadn’t been born,” strikes me as a tad disconcerting. I mean, if that’s the perspective you go into writing a screenplay with, it’s a wonder you don’t come out with pure propaganda.

Of course the real problem with the whole hoopla surrounding Munich is that it’s based on a book known to be mostly fiction. Universal bought the rights to it a while back and had apparent “contractual obligations” to using it as source material.

So I’m left not knowing quite what to think. If you kept up with the Jewish tradition of Chinese food and a movie today, tell us what you thought of it.

Here, this is better than the Bin Laden hottie.

Pic of a Jerusalem sunset taken by Joe Aminoff.

Shabbat shalom, folks.

Check out this hottie:

The woman, Wafah Dufour, has a rather infamous extended family, her father being the half-brother of Al-Quaida Head Honcho Osama Bin Laden. Wafah, a Californian born, American-Values-embracing budding pop star, is currently enjoying a career as a pop-star. The picture above in from the December issue of GQ.

I was born in the States, and I want people to know I’m American, and I want people here to understand that I’m like anyone in New York. For me, it’s home.

Come on, where’s the American spirit? Accept me. I want to be embraced, because my values are like yours. And I’m here. I’m not hiding.

Wafah has, not suprisingly, encountered the occasional question regarding her family tree.

It’s really tough that I have to always explain myself…It’s like every time I meet someone, I have to move a huge mountain that’s in front of me, and sometimes I get tired.

Muffti isn’t sure, as he said in the lead, whether to laugh at the irony or cry at the implications. Or both. Or neither. Next time Islamicists say they are fighting the spread of american culture, remember the pic.

Anyhow, if you think this is all a little too sexy, here’s a quick quote from the online mini version of the GQ story:

The face is alluring (big dark eyes, long lashes, plump lips, caramel skin), but she looks wounded. And there’s something else. At first I can’t quite figure it out, but then it hits me: She looks a little like her uncle, albeit a waify ninety-eight-pound tiny-footed version. Sexy Osama!

*shudder* Muffti isn’t sure that the visual association made Osama sexier in the mind of the inteviewer, or Wafah less sexy…

And on that note, Shabbat Shalom all y’all. And a happy Hannuka. With no Christmas music.

Good grief. How about we start a war against Chrismahanukwanzakah?