Dustin Hoffman’s new film is called Stranger Than Fiction. The film, starring Will Ferrell, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Hoffman, Emma Thompson and Queen Latiffah is set to open in theatres this November. It’s already making the rounds at film festivals, even premiering at the most commercial and crass of all schnorr fests, the Toronto International Film Festival.

In advance of its opening, like in all similar Hollywood productions, we will be treated with various slice of life interviews wherein those who appeared in the film, talk about all the whacky hijinks that went on during the production. One such example recently involved actress Emma Thompson discussing the frustration she experienced on her daily script-learning walks with co-star Dustin Hoffman.

“There was no attempt to disguise the fact that he was Dustin Hoffman, which meant that you could get about two feet before somebody, over enthusiastic, would stop us, him rather, and go on and on and on and finish by inviting us for dinner.
“It was quite irritating after a while, actually. And, so, I said, ‘Why don’t you wear a hat (as a disguise), I’ll get you a hat.’ “He said, ‘No, no, then you’d just see my nose, I’d rather be recognised than look like an ageing Jew.’”

I got news for you Dustin bubbeleh. You’re 69 years old. Whether you like it or not, you are an ageing Jew. Deal with it ya altekakker. And, ageing or not, we don’t all have bulbous, prominent noses. Does Abe Foxman know about this?? In other news, the movie actually seems kinda cool and early reviews are good. This would thus be an appropriate opportunity for you all to support the Jew controlled media while still being entertained. And actress Maggie Gyllenhaal is Jewish too so, there ya go.

Well, not exactly. But Gwyneth did join Jay-Z on stage at Mr. Beyonce’s concert in London at the Royal Albert Hall, singing background vocals (aack! kol isha!) for “Song Cry.”

I wasn’t there, having never been to London, but everyone’s favorite scion of the Paltrovich rabbinical dynasty apparently royally rocked the Jay-Z-zizzle outta the mic, yo. And if you read this post on EW’s PopWatch, you might be momentarily fooled into thinking that G-dawg rocked some freestyle rap action during “Crazy in Love,” as the blog has the (fake) “complete lyrics” including this gem of a paragraph:

Roll down the red carpet
Coldplay, bring ya whole set
Gwyneth’s got the range! Her rivals got the mange!
They can’t figure her out, they like, ”Her accent is insane!”
Yes sir, I’m known to hang with Madonna
My Mom’s got two Emmys, and I’ve got an Oscah

The Hall has a long and esteemed history, which until Mr. Z’s appearance, had not included hip-hop. In any case, the Beatles would be happy. Because now they know how many hos (and pimps and bitches) it takes to fill the Albert Hall…

I write lots. In many different places. I don’t cross-post everything that I write–I figure if people want to find me, they’ll do it themselves via Google, follow the links, or they’ll ask me, “Hey, Esther…where you at these days?”

But in case you’ve still got dial-up or are shy to ask me “s’up?…” I thought I’d tell you about this one place I’m hanging out these days–Beliefnet’s Idol Chatter blog. It’s a place where pop culture and discussion of religion and spirituality come together–as some might see it, an intersection between sacred and profane–and therefore, ’tis a place where I must be. (For other places where I must be, you can always see my “Recent Writings” section on EstherK.com.)
I posted a little bit over the summer. But September’s been a full-fledged post bonanza, with pieces on the new TV season (My Name is Earl, Grey’s Anatomy/ER) and musings on subjects like musician (and Tzadik Records founder) John Zorn’s Genius grant, and TV’s perception of the Jewish man…

Feel free to stop over and join the discussion, or start your own here. It’s all part of the ever-expanding global conversation as we try to find meaning in the mundane, and see how public art reflects individual and collective spirituality.

Here’s an update on the upcoming Jewlicious Taglit birthright israel trip. I am pleased to say that you all took our advice and registered early. By the third day we had over 100 registrants! Things were totally out of control and the good folks at Oranim, our birthright israel trip providers, were forced to stop registration.

But get this! Through some last minute something or another, more buses have been added on by Taglit birthright israel. Consequently, those of you who have been sitting on the fence about going to Israel for free this winter, well… you have another chance! Registration ends October 5th and you can still get on!

So… just go to the Taglit birthright israel registration page now. Choose Oranim as your trip provider, and when asked later, tell them you want to go on the Jewlicious trip. But at this point… really? Just go! Find the departure date that’s good for you and just go!! This applies to Canadians too by the way.

Remember, in order to qualify, you need to be Jewish, between 18-26 having never been to Israel before on a peer based trip. The trip lasts for 10 days and includes food, touring, accomodations and transportation. You may extend your trip afterwards and if you do decide to stay a bit, look us up and we’ll hang.

this trip is a gift from Taglit-birthright israel.

You may remember our chums from Jewdas – that’s cute London slang for “Heeb Magazine” – from our little spat with them sometime around last Purim. If you’re not familiar with Jewdas’ oeuvre, read my last post about New York Jewish radical hipsters, substituting “London” for “New York” and throwing in the word “bollocks” as you see fit, and we’ll be about on the same page.

Anyway, the lovable little bacon-munchers at Jewdas recently got arrested and interrogated (oh my!) on charges of “Racially Aggravated Leafletting under Section 4A and 19 (1) of the public order act” – a fiery poetic condemnation of the actions of the constabulary by Linton Kwesi Johnson is doubtless forthcoming (“Dem charged ‘im fi sus. Dem charged ‘im fi racially aggravated leafletting unda Section 4A an’ 19(1) of di public hawdah act.”). The Jewish Chronicle has the full scoop on the biggest scandal to rock Britain’s Jewish community since the last time a prominent British intellectual, politician or artist announced their intention to boycott Israel (3 hours and counting!):

Four people distributing flyers for an alternative Jewish event were arrested during the Trafalgar Square celebration on suspicion of distributing antisemitic material. The four were promoting a “Protocols of the Elders of Hackney” party due to have been staged by the Jewdas collective at Hackney Synagogue, East London, on October 21.

Members of the public who were offended by the leaflets alerted the police and three men, aged 33, 31, and 25, and a woman aged 31 — identified by the Jewdas website as “Dogboy, random 76, the p factor and Robin Hood” — were arrested under Section 19 of the Public Order Act. This covers suspicion of distributing racially inflammatory material with intent to incite racial hatred. They were taken to Charing Cross police station and bailed, with the requirement to return in late October.

“There is a risk involved in satire and the flyer obviously fell foul of that,” said a CST spokesman. “Given the scale of current antisemitic incidents, rhetoric and terrorist threat, this a distraction nobody needs.”

Now, admittedly, perhaps arresting the lads (and lady) for the equivalent of writing naughty messages on the wall of the British Jewish community’s bathroom is going a little too far. Having so few people to arrest and interrogate that you have to haul in cheeky pseudo-radicals sounds like a condition far more likely to afflict Scandinavia than Britain. But turning the Czarist forgery that continues this very day to whip up anti-Semites into a frenzy (although the epicenter has moved from Moscow and Ford Motors to Cairo and Tehran) into an, ahem, alternative celebration of Jewish identity smacks a bit of bad taste.

But I take my role as a blogger very seriously, and the other day I got toasted and watched “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas,” so inspired by the spirit of Gonzo journalism, I’ve decided that in order to understand what would make the Jewdas lads behave in such a fashion, I would immerse myself in their wacky world of radical politics, Palestinian identification, non-Zionism, sexual ambiguity and bygone European Jewish culture fetishization.

So I shaved off all my body hair (which for a Jewish man is no small task, mind you), rolled a big spliff generously sprinkled with cocaine and chrain (using a page of the Tanakh as a paper), and strode confidently outside wearing nothing but a gimp mask, a kaffiyeh around my neck and an Israeli flag ’round the jewels, lustily singing a bawdy Yiddish tune at the top of my lungs – all in the interest, of course, of making a strong and positive statement about my Jewish identity while shocking the “squares,” as us hepcats call them, out of their staid complacency.

I got about five meters before the older Mizrachi gentlemen who frequent the bars below my apartment beat the shit out of me. I tried to explain to them that I was making a stand against the policies of the state that had willfully trampled their heritage, but it was hard to talk around the split lip.

But don’t think it was all for naught, my bold exploration of Jewdas’ Jewish renaissance. As I lay in my hospital bed while they reinflated my collapsed lung, I came upon a stunning realization. Jewdas has no monopoly on radical revisions of the Jewish experience and departures from religious norms – we’re fucking Israelis! We own that shit! And there’s no way a bunch of pale-faced Diasporic tossers in London are going to steal our thunder!

So with that realization in mind, I invite you all to “A Jewlicious Yom Kippur: A Radical Redefinition and Revitalization of the Ossified Establishment Jewish Experience” (AJYKRRROEJE for short) to be held this Yom Kippur at Daila in Jerusalem. We’re going to dress up as Chasidic Jews with fishnet stockings, eat shrimp cocktails from the navel of our friend David Kelsey, and dance the hora to techno remixes of Wagner pieces, all while our Asian slave-to-the-Zionist-Entity-workers service us as we see fit. And then, with Jewdas’ “positive reclamation of taboo images” in mind, we’re going to unveil a whole new line of thrilling new products for the proud Jew:

- Streit’s Hosts: they used to claim in Europe that we tortured hosts in order to inflict further damage upon the body of Christ. Show them how right they were, in a positive, affirming way, with these delicious consecrated hosts! Make the mamzer squirm a little for those 2000 years of suffering!

- From our Sephardi division, a thrilling new video game, Prophet Killer! Sure, you and your ancestors may have suffered because the Muslims labelled you killers of prophets, but you didn’t even have the fun of being there for the killings! Now you can! Travel back in time using your Heretical Jew Science Time Traveling Device and nail up Jesus, chase Muhammad out of Mecca and, in a bonus level, even travel to India to hang that self-righteous prick Gautama from that damn bodhi tree! Hours of fun!

- In conjuction with the Golan Heights Winery, we bring you Dam Falastini Special Reserve 2006, the first wine to be made entirely from the blood of Palestinian children, an earthy red with delightful olive overtones that serves as the perfect accompaniment to grilled meats and steak.

- And finally (this one we’re really proud of) a clothing line, Ugly Hook-Nosed Money-Grubbing Cheap Sheeny Kike Bastard, specializing in only the finest urban apparel and casual menswear. Look for us next Fashion Week, because lord knows we run that!

And many more shocking nu-Jewish surprises at this year’s Jewlicious Yom Kippur! Be there or be a counterrevolutionary! Free Jewdas!

Adam Sandler’s all about the presents, boys and girls. So Hanukkah came early this year for children whose lives recently had actually not been much of a holiday of lights.

The JTA reports that the L.A.-based Sandler, responsible for Jewishly outing many of today’s most celebrated celebrities through his “Hanukkah Song” and its seemingly infinite number of spin-offs, donated 400 PlayStation consoles and games to children in “Israeli conflict zones.” The games were distributed by the Israeli Foreign Ministry.

Yes, it’s a lovely gesture, and I hope those children will be very happy playing Grand Theft Auto or SpongeBob SquarePants, or whatever the kids are doing these days. But everytime I hear that Adam Sandler makes $50 million a film, such trifles seem like luxuries. My criticism is not of Sandler per se, but of the wacked-out salaries of Hollywood people. If each of, say, the Oscar honorees made it their mission to donate a percentage of their per-picture salaries to a cause–either of their choice, or the Academy could pick one for them–I’m pretty sure we could cure cancer, or stop slavery and oppression, or put an end to world hunger. No one needs to make $50 million for making a movie about a remote control that allows you to control women joggers so that their boobs bounce slower. That’s not really changing the world.

So, yasher koah, Adam Sandler. You helped brighten a kid’s day, which is great. But if I banded together with friends, I’m sure we could send a hundred pizzas to IDF soldiers. But that’s the scale we operate on. But with people who make a disproportionate amount of money for the work they do, their responsibility should be to do more. Because there’s always more work to be done.

Just reported:

Asher Vizgen, found guilty of murdering four Palestinian workers who worked in the aluminum factory at Shiloh in August 2005. He [received 4 life sentences and... ] an additional 12 years for attempted murder.

Vizgen – resident of the settlement Shvut Rahel and father of two – claimed that he carried out this heinous act in a bid to stop the disengagement and with the thought that his actions would encourage others to follow suit. (Aviram Zino)

Maniacal prick!

Edit:

On August 18, 2005, at 4:45 p.m., as he was driving the four Palestinians out of Shilo, Weisgan stopped at the entrance gate to the settlement, stepped out of the car and approached the security guard’s booth; the guard was under the assumption that Weisgan came to collect the Palestinians’ identification cards, which they deposited there at the start of each workday. Weisgan then asked for water and snatched the guard’s loaded M-16 rifle.

He then approached the vehicle and fired 5-6 bullets at each passenger from close range and began to run back to the factory with the intent of killing another Arab worker.

One of the injured Palestinians chased after Weisgan while shouting “Asher, what are you doing?” Weisgan turned around and fired a few more bullets at the Palestinian but missed.

The settler eventually made his way to the factory and opened fire at the remaining Palestinian worker from short range. At this stage Weisgan ran out of bullets, replaced the magazine and shot the injured Palestinian in the head and chest.

A few minutes later Weisgan came running out of the factory and turned himself in to a security officer who arrived at the scene.

Several days ago Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who had the good form not to call the President of the US a “devil” at the UN, had an opportunity to meet the prestigious Council on Foreign Relations for a couple of hours. Apparently his performance was sublime and his doctinaire hatred of the US plain for all to see even as they were blown away with his slimy but effective rhetorical and debating skills. Once again he questioned whether the Holocaust even took place, refusing to commit even when Maurice Greenberg spoke of having witnessed Dachau personally and once again raising the false claim that it needs to be properly investigated, as if thousands of books, studies and films – not to mention tens of thousands of correlating witness testimonies – over a period of decades don’t pass muster.

At one point, however, the Iranian antisemitic prime minister raised the question of why there is such an emphasis on a measly 6 million people when 60 million were killed in WWII of which only 2 million were combatants. Flash! A lightbulb came on above my daintly and freshly hair-cut head. I know of another rabid, hating, prick prominent fella who made a similar claim.

That’s right, Mel Gibson.

At one point during the pre-Passion hype when Gibson was skillfully using the media to depict himself as a victim of Jewish aggression because of his decision to depict the TRUTH on film, he met Peggy Noonan, the very capable former White House speechwriter (“thousand points of light”) for an interview. In it she asks him about his views on the Holocaust:

“You’re going to have to go on record. The Holocaust happened, right?”

“I have friends and parents of friends who have numbers on their arms. The guy who taught me Spanish was a Holocaust survivor. He worked in a concentration camp in France. Yes, of course. Atrocities happened.

“War is horrible. The Second World War killed tens of millions of people. Some of them were Jews in concentration camps. Many people lost their lives. In the Ukraine several million starved to death between 1932 and 1933. During the last century 20 million people died in the Soviet Union.”

Birds of a feather, these Maniacal Pricks. Let’s hope neither one gets his hands on nukes.

“What? Esther’s on Sheinkin Street? I thought she was in NYC! How’s that possible?”

Good questions, yeladim. But with the internet, anything’s possible. For instance, you can visit the shops and see the personalities of Tel Aviv’s famous Sheinkin Street without ever leaving your apartment.

In addition to the site’s information about (including a virtual tour of) the cafes and stores that make up this hip area, I recommend you check out the videos section, where you can see Sheinkinians wish everyone a shanah tovah, where you can see the wacky Emily interview random people on the street, where you can find out what people get their lovers for the annual Love Festival, where you can see Asaf make pizza and compare it to smacking a–well, I’ll let you discover that.

Also of interest, in the magazine section, you can learn that actress Evelyn Ha’goel likes Sheinkin because on “Shimchat Torah” [sic], she gets to dance with the Breslavers in a “striking Trance show.” Well, it makes sense, since her last name means “the redeemer.” Plus, she played “Bruria” on “Pick-up,” an Israeli soap opera.

Since Laya is Talking About Jesus Camp, Muffti will happily post this so-sad-it’s-funny story. Dennis Mitsubishi, a dealer in Columbus Ohio, produced a radio ad in which they proclaimed a ‘jihad’ on the American auto market, offering toy swords to kids who come with their parents to look at cars on ‘Fatwa’ fridays. Prior to airing, the Ohio branch of CAIR contacted them. The dealership relented claiming:

A large number of people have contacted us. Lots of them have seen the humor we were trying to convey, but far too many were clearly bothered by it. This was simply an attempt at humor that fell short.”

CAIR, for their part, handled things (apparently) fairly graciously. Spokesperson for the Ohio chapter, Andnan Mirza, said:

We appreciate the dealership’s constructive reaction to feedback about the proposed advertisements…We accept the apology… and hope that it and the decision not to air the spots will bring this incident to a close.

Muffti hopes so too. Of course, no doubt, the new ad reads:

‘Come to Jewy January and buy a Mitsubishi! We’re circumsizing the price on all our 2006s and including a gentile baby with each purchase for you to slaughter and make Matzah!’

Stephen Colbert Explains the 10 Days of Repentance…
Pretty much every Jew knows about Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur. Those are the days that most Jews attend synagogue. The Jewish religion however has all sorts of portentious dates and holidays and what have you that many of the Mosaic persuasion don’t know about. Today, for instance, was the Fast of Gedalya. Yes. A fast day before Yom Kippur. What? You want a link? What does this look like? A Yeshiva? Go Google it or something. In any case, as I was saying, there are all kinds of important dates in Judaism – like the 10 days between Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur are known as the 10 days of Repentance, where you are supposed to make a strong effort to repent from your sins and ask for forgiveness from those you have wronged. Again, I could go into detail but I’ll allow Stephen Colbert to explain:

Cool idea with that hotline, eh? We don’t have a hotline, but if you want to come clean, please feel free to share your sins with us here and ask for forgiveness. I mean nothing says true repentance better than public self-humiliation, right? Let me start it off.

Dear Michael. Please forgive me. I drank straight out of your water bottles on numerous occasions and probably passed on all the germs that are currently afflicting you. I ought to have known that your delicate, ashkenazic, shtetl-ravaged disposition could not have been able to resist the onslaught of germs that do nothing to me because of my superior sephardic constitution. I hope you get well soon and in the coming year I pledge not to drink straight out of your bottles. Sorry. Shana Tova!

One of the best things about blogging is getting free stuff, like free trips to Israel, and free books and movie screeners. And thus is born this review. Thanks Magnolia Films!

Jesus camp is the new documentary by Heidi Ewing, and Rachel Grady. It follows the lives of children growing up as Evangelical Christians and attending Becky Fischer’s “Kids on Fire” camp in North Dakota.

Knowing that it is Evangelical Christians who are some of Americas biggest supporters of Israel, it was an interesting watch. In one scene, as they are pledging allegiance to a Christian flag, a flag of Israel can be seen on screen along with the American flag. In another, a young girl shouts, clenched fist in the air, mumbling something through tears about restoring the line of Judah. I’m not sure I know exactly what she means by that, but I get the feeling that she might not either.

The children were frighteningly articulate, which, at their ages (approximately 7-11) generally comes from carefully watching and imitating what they see and hear from parent, pastors, teachers, etc, which is not to say that their beliefs and emotions were insincere.

The shameless indoctrination of children that the film shows is initially horrifying, particularly as children’s pastor Becky Fischer compares her work to Islam’s religious/political process of indoctrination aimed at making martyrs so successfully. But then again, what must be remembered is that all parents, religious or secular, similarly instill their values into the impressionable minds of their children, just often in ways we consider more subtle.

It is only when children grow into their teen years that they begin to question their authority figures and the values they have inherited from them. In addition, it is in a child’s teen years that even the strictest religious indoctrination often gives way to the impossibly seductive pull of newly raging hormones.

But what struck me about this particular indoctrination of the next generation was the emotional manipulation and crowd psychology behind it. With shots of children sobbing en masse and speaking in tongues, going into trances and convulsing on the floor, the spirit of hysteria and conviction which these kids got swept up in somehow reminded me of the Salem Witch Trials.

The documentary succeeds in being overwhelmingly objective. Where it failed was in not providing us with much of a plot to follow. The only controversy lies in the edited in clips of Christian radio personality Mike Papantonio being critical of the evangelical movement. Although it is undoubtedly a fright-fest for liberal Americans, given the potential ramifications of a religious-political movement comprising 25% of the American population, the film nonetheless fails to show any existing pattern of political influence other than vaguely referencing the appointment of Judge Alito. Even the Evangelical’s eight person pro-life demonstration in Washington D.C. seemed impotent at best.

What might have been more interesting, although much more intensive to make, would have been to follow three of the kids over a much longer period of time, watching what happens to childhood indoctrination as these kids hit their teens.

Nonetheless, it’s a worthwhile see. You can check out the trailer here and check here for screenings near you.

Heard the term Web 2.0 thrown around a bit? Kind of know but not exactly sure what it means? Allow me to explain. In short, Web 2.0 sites are second-generation of Internet-based services where the users provide the content and collaborate. In other words, companies provide the idea and the platform while users provide the content. It’s probably the new dot bomb, and I’m sure many of them will be going under within the year, but like the Internet wave of the late ninties, there will certainly be a few successes. Israel’s hi-tech industry is primarily focused on R&D, but a few notable Israeli dotcoms have had success, ICQ and Shopping.com for example. The question for you readers: Do any of the myriad of Israeli Web 2.0 companies have what it takes to make it big time? Time will tell, that’s for sure. Over the next few weeks, I’ll be taking a look at some of the more promising Israeli Web 2.0 startups. We’ll call it “The Israel 2.0 Project” because it sounds cool to call it that.

Today we take a look at Yedda. Yedda is the Hebrew word for knowledge and the folks at Yedda.com provide a platform for users to share knowledge with one another. It’s sort of like Yahoo answers on crack. It’s a place to not only ask questions, but to answer them as well. As a registered user, you provide a few tags (keywords for you Web 1.0 folks) in the areas that you deem yourself an expert in. For example, I’m an expert in…er….nothing. But that didn’t stop me from entering the tags “Israel,” “Vietnam,” “Music” “Arthritis” and “WW2,” five areas where I feel I’m more knowledgeable than your average Yossi Shmoe. Whenever someone asks a question about any of my topics, I recieve an email notification and am invited to answer. I recieved notifcations for two questions: Who is your favorite Jazz saxophonist? as well as “Most embarrassing band you’ve ever liked?” I’m an Internet agoraphobe and generally hate people, so I didn’t answer. I posed my own question four days ago in preparation of this series: How many Web 2.0 companies have been developed in Israel? Sadly, I didn’t recieve a response and had to go to google for my answers. However, that doesn’t mean that Yedda is useless. Far from it. Folks are getting questions answered about Home Improvement projects, ipods, photography and even relationships. Although, I’m fairly certain that folks that need to use a community website for relationship advice probably step away from their computers a bit more often. Others ask more practical questions that are easily answered such as “Is there a God?”

While I find myself having a good time fiddling around with Yedda, I think most answers I am looking for can be found substantially quicker via other means. A site like this is only as good as its users and it seems that since its launch a few months ago Yedda’s knowledge base is slowly but surely increasing. However, in the meantime, when I want answers that don’t require someone’s opinion or personal experience. I’ll most likely be heading towards wikipedia or google. That’s not going to keep me from asking the occasional question though. Speaking of which, anyone have an experience with recaulking a bathtub?

UPDATE: Moments after posting this I recieved an answer to my first Yedda question. The answer can be found here.

May we learn to appreciate the challenges that life brings us; may we experience emotional fulfillment and intellectual stimulation; may we be granted insight and nuance that enables us vision beyond the surface; may our lives be filled with music and light, of both the literal and figurative variety; may the sleep that we earn be restorative; may our endeavors be on the behalf of humor, health and harmony; may we learn to appreciate the vast and sometimes annoying array of human characteristics; may we seek out good writing and encourage respectful dialogue; may new and exciting initiatives come our way; may we be a force for good and freedom; may we discover new opportunities to help each other, the State of Israel and the Jewish people.

Oh yeah, and world peace.

Wishing you and your families all the best in the new year–may 5767 be a year of fulfillment and happiness for us all.

With love from New York…

Yes, that’s a sunrise. How’s that for overt, simplistic but well-intentioned symbolism?

I want to wish a shana tova u’metuka - a sweet and happy new year – with good health and good wishes to our readers, our posters and all of your families. May this be a good year for us over here in North America and outside of Israel. May this be a good and safe year, of course, to our good friends in Israel.

(image source)

Matthew Yglesias discusses the unlikely politicians who up and turn out to be Jewish, along with the individuals with off-the-charts Jewish-sounding names who turn out not to be. Of course what this all comes down to is, who is a Jew? By one part of the definition–outside perception–anyone named Abraham is kinda Jewish no matter how he sees himself or what his ancestors were. This is not up to God, gods, or any other higher powers you might prefer– if the world sees you as Jewish, it has a certain impact on how you see yourself, and thus what you are. The matrilineal definition is by no means sufficient on identity, cultural, and other non-religious bases for figuring out such matters. People who learn that my last name is Maltz, that I come from New York, and that I don’t look especially Nordic may classify me as Jewish without verifying–and I’m not even sure how this could be verified–that my mother fits the bill.

A Rosh Hashanah Drasha/Dvar Torah

“Min ha-meitzar, karati Yah, anani ba-merchav Yah. Out of the narrows of distress I called upon God, God answered me with liberation (Psalm 118:5).”

With these words we introduce the blowing of the shofar on Rosh Hashanah. Hearing the shofar is the only precept/mitzvah we have on Rosh Hashanah. Shofar is the essence and symbol of the holiday.

With these same words we cast our sins metaphorically into fresh waters during Tashlich, one of our most esoteric and forgotten rituals. After understanding the meaning of this verse, and the Tashlich ceremony, a beautiful way to unlock the spiritual mission of Rosh Hashanah is revealed.
(more…)

Shalom, my jiggaz!

(Get it? Like, “niggaz,” but Jewish, because as a young urban Jew, I find the best way to make a strong statement about my Jewish identity is to lift and superficially Judaize American black culture! I love Yiddishkeit like ODB loved crack, son!)

Anyway, y’all, I just wanted to represent for my hood and my peoples – wealthy-East-Coast-suburbanites-transplanted-to-the-Uppa-Wes’ whuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuttt – and tell you about how we throw down here in Jew York Ir Ha-Koidesh.

I like to start my day with some coffee like anyone else, and lately I’ve been going to this funky little place on Amsterdam – I’m Jewish, so I’m really into social justice, you know? – and this place is an organic concern that supports indigenous farmers in Cambodia and grows all its beans in something called “the killing fields” (apparently there’s like something really good for coffee in the soil there). It’s called Pol’s Coffee Pot, and I’m just really glad I can be contributing to tikkun olam and getting a surprisingly decent mochaccino too!

After that, I go to this awesome indie transdenominational minyan I set up wif some of my fellow Brews. We have shacharis every morning at about 1:30 PM, because most of us don’t roll out of bed ’til around noon (be sure to drop by someday!). We set up this crazy concept there (not to brag, but it was all me, baby) to solve the conflict between tradition and modern demands for egalitarianism in worship: the dodecachitza. The way it works is, the rabbi (which is a rotating role filled by a different minyan member every week) stands on a rotating bima in the middle of the room, so he faces each section of the dodecachitza. There’s a section each for the men, the women, the Gs, the Ls, the Bs, the Ts, the straight people who identify queer, considering-op transsexuals, lipstick lesbians, NYU students, interested gentiles, and homeless guys who came in for kiddush. It’s just really inspiring to see Jews of all different kinds getting together to praise God, or whichever deity or deities their personal beliefs lead them to worship.

And keep this on the DL, but I think I met someone last Shabbos at the minyan. There was this really cute girl, uh, I mean, delicious Hebrew shawty, wearing these funky rainbow distressed non-leather tefillin, so I went over to talk with her after the Haftorah, which that Shabbos was actually a reading from Norman Finklestein’s Beyond Chutzpah. Anyway, it turns out she’s not really a she, not yet anyway, but I’m totally cool with that, and she passes really well anyway. I totally invited her-to-be to this potluck I’m organizing with my JTS chevrusa buddies – I’m making spareribs! You see, the guys in my chevrusa have been trying to work eating pork into the evolving framework of halacha, and since halacha is a flexible system that encompasses all facets of Jewish life, we’ve decided that the Torah prohibition, which is like based on outdated health codes and an illegitimate Israelite sense of racial/religious superiority, no longer applies to the modern egal halakhic Jew, so feel free to chow down on that ish!

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Ever since the release of Animal House in 1976, it’s been understood that a very important, almost vital part of any one’s College experience is the College Nickname. The movie introduced us to characters who have become pop culture icons, like Eric ‘Otter’ Stratton (Tim Matheson), Larry ‘Pinto’ Kroger (Tom Hulce), Donald ‘Boon’ Schoenstein (Peter Riegert), Kent ‘Flounder’ Dorfman (Stephen Furst), Daniel Simpson ‘D-Day’ Day (Bruce McGill) and of course John ‘Bluto’ Blutarsky (the late great John Belushi).

There are other important things about College. These include hard drinking, pranks and shenanigans, promiscuous and or experimental sex, routine drug use and… and uh… I know there was something else. But never mind that. The thing is that you can pretty much do all that stuff on your own, but you cannot give yourself a College nickname, otherwise we’d all be like Super Stud or something. Someone has to give you a College nickname.

But what if you’re a freshman, socially awkward, studious or if you do not routinely hang out with frat boys or sorority girls? Getting someone to give you a College nickname might take a while and the lack of a college nickname may in fact detrimentally affect your entire College experience!!

No worries! Hillel (you know, the foundation for Jewish campus life?) comes to the rescue with their “What’s Your College Nickname” Contest and Nickname generator. Just fill out a simple form and the Hillel Web site will grant you a genuine (somewhat Jewishy) College nickname. Afterwards you can fill out an entry to win a 1 gig iPod Nano or some other stuff. The Nano is sweet, but everyone is a winner as the nickname truly allows you to begin your College career with gusto!

Feel free to share your nickname with us. Mine was “Meister!”

Translate the following sentence from Hebrew into English:
“Yerushalayim: Ayn ir kazeh.”

You might have said “Jerusalem: There is no city like it.” (Or if you’re Michael, who is the grammatical bomb diggity, you’d point out that the actual phrase was “Ayn od ir kazo.”)  Certainly it was this translation that was intended by the Jerusalem municipality when it produced thousands of flyers that opted for a different translation: “Jerusalem: There is no such city.”

[Reuters, via Barri again, who really needs a website so I can link to her]

I just want to tell everyone that as of today no fewer than eight women have come forward to the police regarding alleged sexual harrassment by the current President of the state of Israel, Moshe Katsav.

His side is claiming this is some vast organized conspiracy and when the “truth” comes out, he shall be cleared. His wife has been standing by her man as well.

Just as police were nearing the end of the evidence-gathering stage of the sex crimes investigation of President Moshe Katsav, another woman came forward Wednesday with new allegations against the president.

On the same day that police sources said they believed there was enough evidence to press charges against the president that would include two counts of rape and two counts of lesser sexual crimes, a woman who served under Katsav during his tenure as Tourism minister in the Netanyahu government claimed Katsav had harassed her and attempted to persuade her to have sexual relations with him.

Katsav told the woman, she said, that he dreamt about her at night while lying in bed with his wife, and encouraged her to wear button-down shirts and skirts at work for “easier accessibility.”

Katsav’s attorney Zion Amir responded to the new allegations by saying that “there are no bounds to humiliation, and no bounds to chutzpa,” characterizing the woman as a disgruntled former employee.

But eight?!

Katsav has responded in public to the accusation of the second Aleph in the past, saying that she had asked to work for him after the alleged rape and had been rejected.

“I don’t understand how women who claim that I raped them ask to work for me,” he reportedly told the investigators.

Please, please, please let him be innocent. I just cannot imagine anybody that vile sitting in this hallowed office that is symbolic of the leadership of the state of Israel all these years.

By the way, this is the same man who refused to call Conservative and Reform rabbis “rabbi.”

Who knew? New York City has a lot of Jews. And when they’re joined by hundreds from cities across the United States, and buses bring yeshiva kids in to the Big City to engage in “demonstrations,” there’s gonna be a lot of Jewish geography and high-pitched squawking from teens.

“OHmigawd!!! Chanah Leah Rochel Devorah!!! Did you see Faygie? There are totally a lot of people here…”

I remember what it’s like to be a yeshiva student “demonstrating on behalf of Israel”–unless you’re in sight of the stage, it’s all about the socializing. Most of them didn’t even chime in for “Free them now” or any of the other chanting and singing…they were calling each other on their cell phones and trying to find their friends in the impossible crowd.

I, of course, am a master of the crowd. So I managed to find one of my oldest friends in the crowd–she was looking for her mother, who I found about ten minutes later. In taking random pictures, I captured this Guy with Beard talking to Dude with Shmata on Head. I’m pretty sure Guy with Beard is one of the teachers we had in high school. And I also spied rabbinical student Drew Kaplan for the first time ever in real life (although we’ve been blogfriends for about a year).

The problem with a rally this large is that the impact is mostly visual. Wow, you think. That’s a lot of people who are for Israel and against Ahmadinejad. And it’s a powerful display when yarmulkes are fourscore and seven deep in any given direction; when Israeli flags are worn as capes across Jewish shoulders; and when crowds blow shofars on cue to indicate solidarity, an evocation of the tribal cry to assemble. But I couldn’t hear much, I certainly couldn’t see the speakers, who were an avenue away, and the din of the crowd was too much competition for me to concentrate.

I hope the rally does some good. I hope that the soldiers are freed soon. And I hope that Israel and American Jews will continue to speak out on behalf of the oppressed and the afflicted.

May this new year be one of peace, health and happiness for us all. (More photos available online at my Flickr page…)

The bad news first: the Israeli soldiers who were taken captive are still captives.

The good news: Gilad Shalit, captured on June 25th, wrote a letter to his father that was delivered by the Egyptians. In the letter, Shalit apparently claims that:

I feel fine and am being treated well…I hope to celebrate my next birthday at home…I miss you and think about you a lot.

Jpost reports that lab tests confirmed the authenticity of the letter. (Muffti isn’t really sure how lab tests can do this, but…) Of course, no lab test can confirm the accuracy of the letter’s contents but let’s hope that all is going better than expected for Shalit.

Shimon Peres had the following encouraging words:

I think it will be complicated, but finally I am sure he would be released.

No doubt the first part of that conjunction is true. Muffti hopes Peres is two for two on this one.

So remember in 2002 when Islamic terrorists set off bombs in nightclubs in Bali killing 220 people? Well, turns out that the alleged leader of the operation just got out of prison. Abu Bakar Bashir was in jail for 26 months for conspiracy in the bombings. Since he got out he’s been all over the place preaching his particular theology. He claims that images of naked or semi-naked woman on television are sinful and chip away at the moral fiber of Muslim believers.

“So, if I am asked which is more dangerous, naked women or the Bali bombs, then my reply is of course those women in skimpy clothes,” Antara quoted him as saying at a public rally calling for the imposition of Islamic law in Indonesia.

He has previously urged the relatives of the victims of the Bali bombing to convert to Islam. So uh… thanks Abu Bakar Bashir. Now I know that really we ought not be combating terrorism but rather we should be engaged in a war on dangerous hot chicks.

Source: Jerusalem Post
Hat tip to reader Shlomo T. who somehow just knew this would be a story we’d print.

If you are a long time reader, you may remember a post from 2 years and one week ago, about a prophecy of sorts, from the Lubavitcher Rebbe that we would find Oil here in Israel.

We done found black gold. over 6 million barrels of it.

According to Ynet “At drilling site north of Dead Sea, oil struck at depth of 1,800 meters. According to estimates, there are about 6.5 million barrels of crude oil, worth about USD 300 million”.

Well, boys and girls, it just goes to show you, you can always trust the Rebbe!