I’m not going to wish you a Merry Christmas. In fact, I’m not even going to wish you a Happy New Year. Peace, joy, and holiday cheer are overrated capitalistic slogans that grace shop windows to remind you of all the childhood innocence and money you don’t have.
So, inspired by Fall Out Boy’s early-2000s lyrical masterpiece, “Yule Shoot Your Eye Out,” what follows is a list of 12 alternative holiday wishes that will set you up for an utterly punk rock Somewhat Significant 25th Day of December and Beginning of Another 365 Day Cycle. Thusly, I wish you…:
awkward silence. Apparently, it only takes 4 seconds for the dearth of sound coming out of a mouth to turn a conversation awkward. Sure, it’s cringe-worthy now—but it’s certainly good practice for all the awkwardness you’ll have to bear in the future. Take the initiative to tackle the elephant in the room (there’s no better time than the holidays to air out your dirty laundry). Use this as an opportunity to learn how to be comfortable with a pause—to just be together with someone in the same space.
cases of frostbite. Because you obviously have been making use of all this extra free time on your hands to get some exercise in the great frigid outdoors. Staying in shape so you can look stunning standing next to those swoll Mall Santas—good for you.
days before you see your fall quarter grades. Because you didn’t turn in your course evaluations in on time, tsk tsk! Your professors do care about your honest opinion. But really, who cares about those haughty letters that purportedly represent your intellectual vitality—those classes are done. Enjoy the holiday.
rug burn rashes. Because you’ve been ROTFL a bit too much playing Scrabble.
new pairs of socks. Because those are the best kind of Christmas gift. Timely and practical, since you’ve lost most of your socks in the laundry room and have been stuck wearing the same pair for the past nine weeks. Really, you can’t beat socks under the hypothetical tree.
fake Santa Clause. He’s getting places, that jolly man. These portly fatherly figures with great color schema are bastions of truth and diversity. Be happy that there’s one less lie in your life to be deluded by.
re-runs of A Charlie Brown Christman/Elf/Love Actually/etc.The classics that make you realize that deep inside, you are Charlie Brown.
salty tears soaked into your pillow. Because Love Actually is actually a lie. Where was your love, actually? No—you’re not bitter. These are happy tears, actually—“What a splendid holiday this was, actually,” you whisper softly to yourself. Or is it just your Spring (Quarter) allergies kicking in already, actually?
minutes of panic. Because you haven’t finalized your class schedule yet and everyone is sending you when2meets. Come on—y’all need to take a chill pill.
seconds of existential crisis. Because you realize that another year has ended and what even is life? What is your purpose? Why are you here? What are you going to do for the summer? Would your kidneys be able to handle what seems to be gallons of fermented grapes spilling onto Times Square?
scrapped New Year’s resolutions. Because you broke them all by 1 AM. Socially enforced personal change is overrated. You do you.
straight hours of sleep. You earned it.
Congratulations on surviving another year, rock star. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.
