Party Snooper, Holiday Edition

Quotes heard by Stanford students over holiday break.

Watching the Rose Parade

Little cousin passes gas

Little cousin (embarrassed): Sorry…

Uncle Jeff: You know son, all odors are particulate.

Aunt Carol: Hahahahahaha. Oh, god. Why did I laugh at that.

Little cousin: …What? I don’t get it.

…A minute passes…

Little cousin: No, really, I don’t get it. What do you mean?

Aunt Carol: HE MEANS that there are LITTLE PIECES OF POOP from your behind flying everywhere around this room right now.

Overheard at a family holiday party

Uncle Bob: If I’m going to play Santa, I need at least another two drinks.

——–

Aunt: What’s your girlfriend’s name?

Nephew: Emma.

Aunt: Hey, wow! Our dog is named Emma.

Nephew: Oh.

——–

Them: Why are you back so soon?

Us: We were about to go into the movie, but then we thought to ourselves, “It’s the holidays. We only get to see our family all together like this once a year, and it would be a shame to waste that precious time sitting in a theater rather than with those we love most. So we came back to spend time with you.

Them: Avatar was sold out, wasn’t it?

Us: GodDAMN it.

——–

Cousin: I can think of no better way to celebrate Jesus’ birthday than by taking a tequila shot right now.

——–

Aunt: What’s your girlfriend’s name again?

Nephew: Emma.

Aunt: Oh right. Hey, did you know that’s our dog’s name?

Nephew: Yeah, you mentioned that.

Overheard in line at the grocery store

“Why would you throw a snowball at a cop car!?”

At a party

Friend 1: You don’t have the palate for shortbread.

…Later on…

Friend 1: My parents have this $6,000 bottle of scotch–want to try some?

Friend 2: Ewww, no! It’s smoky! Ewww, that’ll taste like Chipotle.

Dad, racing into the living room

“Hon, where did you put my back scratcher-slash-hairbrush???”

At a family party

Family is engaged in a heated debate over immigration in a restaurant. The debate-ending comment:

Dad: If you don’t have strong borders, you have Barnes and Noble.

Whispered at cousin’s house

“The mother was worried that it might not be big enough…”

Overheard at a Clippers 76ers game

“76ers? More like Seventy-duck-my-dicksers.”

“Allan Iverson? More like Barely Aliverson.”

Post-holiday phone conversation between two friends

Friend 1: How was your Christmas?

Friend 2: Well, my dad burnt the lamb, but only on the outside. So my little brother had to microwave his because it was so pink, it was basically still BAAAH-ing. And the house got all smoky, so we had to open the door even though it was freezing outside. And then the cat ran out.

Friend 1: Wow, sounds terrible.

Friend 2: The saddest part is that the same thing happens every year. My dad should really cook lamb more often, or not at all…