A new poll shows that nearly 80% of the country has little faith in the federal government, and nearly half says the government negatively affects their lives.

Why would this be? I can give you one answer: the head of federal government is black.

It’s the only explanation that makes sense. Right now the federals government is doing everything it can to help the economy and is about to give everyone free health care, thus logically everyone should love the government right now. Except, the president it black, so people are turning against it.

But a little over a year ago, the country elected a black president, so it wasn’t racist then. So what’s changed? Again, the change is that Barack Obama is president.

Conclusion: Barack Obama is spreading racist hate!

STOP SPREADING RACIST HATE BARACK OBAMA!!!!

So, apparently President Obama has no plan to deal with Iran if it succeeds in getting nuclear weapons. I guess that leaves it to me to come up with one.

FRANK J.’S PLAN FOR A NUCLEAR IRAN

So if Iran gets nuclear weapons, first thing we do is congratulate them.

Yeah, they won’t expect them.

We’ll be like, “Good going, Iran; you’re now a nuclear power. That puts you in a very exclusive club, and guess what that comes with? A secret decoder ring!”

And Ahmadinejad will be like, “Gimme gimme gimme!”

So we’ll give him the decoder ring and leave him be. The next day, he gets sent a secret message THAT ONLY NUCLEAR POWERS CAN DECODE! He’ll be so excited and grab his decoder ring to figure it out… except the ring is more complicated than he thought, and he has to put all his top scientists on the job and it takes them hours. Finally, he’ll decode the message and be like, “I don’t want to buy Ovaltine. Anywho, time to nuke the joos!”

So Ahmadinejad will hit the button to launch his nuclear missile, but it will just fall over and out of the warhead will come angry badgers who start biting everyone they can see as badgers don’t like being crammed into a warhead. See, while they were all distracted decoding their message, we snuck in and replaced their warhead. They won’t know that, though, and will probably just blame things on angering the Muslim god Ganesh or something.

Nuclear problem solved! Someone give me a million dollars.

Bill Clinton is talking again; probably not a good idea. He’s just trying to subtly warn people if they don’t quietly accept the Democrats’ agenda, then they’ll cause an Oklahoma bombing type incident.

If Bill Clinton cares about his legacy, he really should just lie low. The best he can hope for is that he’ll get a short section in the history books and people will just say, “I guess the economy did well while he was president,” and don’t look any closer. But while Clinton was trying to tie Republicans to domestic terrorism for political gain, he did nothing during his eight years about the real threat out there and left that for another administration to deal with. Seeing how the economic boom of the 90’s was pretty fleeting too, the only thing Bill Clinton was good for was helping his own short term political gain. Even his own party was in shambles when he left office.

You can say a lot of bad things about Barack Obama, but in pure sliminess I don’t think he’ll ever beat Bill Clinton. It’s easy to forget that, though, so if Clinton just wises up and be quiet, he can get his little footnote in the history books without all the negative commentary. Oh, and his impeachment asterisks.

“No” is too active; I’d rather be the party of “meh.”

“I got this great idea for government that can end poverty and make us a utopia!”
“Meh.”

Eyjafjallajokull is a glacier? Thought someone just fell asleep on his keyboard.

If your language comes up with a spelling like “Eyjafjallajokull”, you need to admit you have a problem. No excuse for that.

If you can’t understand how anyone could disagree with you and lots of people do, that’s good evidence you’re stupid.

Do you think the internet will be around thousands of years from now? Like will you be able to spelunk through it for ancient websites? “It’s hamsters dancing… this must have meant something to primitive websurfers.”

The Boise State University’s blue turf is made by fertilizing the grass with ground up smurfs. Groundskeeper Gargamel does a good job.

Tea Parties are just part of the inevitable political pendulum, but the left seem to want to exacerbate it into something much more.

My dog is horrible at knock knock jokes because her normal response to a knock at the door is to bark all crazy.

It would be hard for much political violence to arise with all the media outlets we have these days. Everyone has a voice.

Australia has notorious gangland killers? Do they ride kangaroos and throw boomerangs?

Though the Australian version of a knife may beat what we call a knife, I bet we beat them on notorious gangland killers.

Remember when the future was all about robots? They’d be doing everything. Now we’re in the future (2010), and they are like nowhere except for small ones that vacuum. When will our robot renaissance come?

So, as much as I’d like to make fun of a towel-folding robot, at least it is a robot; we can’t look a gift horse in the mouth at this point. And just think: If we made it bigger, and instead of a towel gave it our enemies, it would be a mangle bot. That’s pretty cool, at least.

Obama told a fundraiser that members of the Tea Party should thank him for cutting taxes. I kinda get this idea that if you want to find out what Obama really thinks, you need to go to a fundraiser — not that what he thinks is particularly enlightening. I’m not sure where he thinks he cut taxes, but I know where he’s raised them. If there was anyone who thought there was anything to Obama’s pledge not raise taxes on people who earn under $250,000, he should spend the rest of the Obama administration punching himself in the junk.

Still, looking at the rapidly rising deficits, this year is kinda the calm before the storm in terms of taxes. Maybe we can take some time to point out some good things Obama has done this year and where our fears may have been overblown.

GOOD THINGS OBAMA HAS DONE

* Obama hasn’t literally collapsed the country.

* No one has nuked us yet.

* He may have bowed, but he’s yet to surrender to any dictator.

* Obama hasn’t accidentally burnt down the White House.

* He hasn’t spent half his term with a bucket stuck on his head.

* He hasn’t yet left Iraq in complete chaos.

* He hasn’t revealed himself to be a Muslim sleeper-agent set on destroying the country. (Then again, I guess that would be a more logical explanation for a lot of his actions.)

* He hasn’t traded our sovereignty for magic beans.

This isn’t all to say Obama has done a good job, but it’s just to help us keep perspective and realize he could be a lot worse. So yay for that not happening.

We’ll see how we feel again in a year.

In Obama’s new space plans, we’re going to skip landing on the moon again, instead land on an asteroid, and then, in the 2030s, land on Mars.

Yeah, I don’t seen any of that happening (except for the skipping landing on the moon again part). We just have no motivation to really get out there in space and take risks. A hundred years ago, we had to show the Soviets we owned space, and that’s how we got to the moon on a giant rocket that no one expected to work. So what’s going to motivate us to explore space now?

Oh. Maybe Obama does have that covered. His horrible plans and huge deficits should make Earth unlivable. We’ll have no choice but to try to escape to space and set up some uber-libertarian colony on Mars which first rule will be: “No Obamas.”

The hope is eventually private companies will take over space exploration motivated by profit instead of… well, whatever motivates NASA today, if anything. But with the creeping socialism here on Earth, you may have to escape into space to have a private company.

So that’s how we get motivated to get back to space: Make Earth unlivable. Obamas doing his part, and I’m going to pollute more.

No big opinion on Obama’s space plans. Just haven’t heard anything about it that will shift us out of neutral. A space plan for twenty years in the future is just speculative fiction. No way we’ll stick to today’s plan that long.

Does the Constitution protect our right to fire, because I like fire and I’m always afraid the government is going to take it away.

Will the next president be Jeb Bush since every other president is supposed to be named Bush? At least that’s how we’ve done things for 29 years.

Ow! I hurt myself with fire! Why does the government not make it illegal?!

Islam means hugs.

Tax day: The one day I miss living in Florida (no income tax). Man, state tax is not a small thing. Hopefully my ID tax will help potatoes. Actually, I hope my tax money goes to BSU coach Peterson’s salary. We lose him, I’ll be angry!

Part of the joy of earning money should be having plenty to help other people. And being able to afford an iPad.

Remember what Jesus said: “Come on, dude; don’t be so stingy.” I paraphrase.

Racist! The only reason you call Barack Obama African American is because he’s black!

I guess I could just look at my taxes as how much money I pay for my right to complain. I think I got my money’s worth.

Hey, I have an idea for a new execution method: We tie someone up under the booster rockets of the space shuttle. They should kill quickly — but you’ll never know when they actually get used because launches get scrubbed last minute every time. That adds an extra element of fun. And other countries can’t call us “barbaric” or “uncivilized” for this, because could a barbaric, uncivilized country kill someone with a space shuttle? Other countries don’t even have space shuttles because they are dumb compared to us.

Still, I bet some people will try to get it made unconstitutional for being “cruel and unusual punishment” — and I guess it’s at least somewhat unusual. Still, maybe we can get it through under the Commerce Clause or something.

Just a note: If the Republicans want to be able to shout, “Woo! High score!” and then enter in their initials (“GOP”), they need to claim 126 seats from the Democrats. Sounds nigh impossible, but there is a bit of a perfect storm brewing with all the Democrats screw ups and how they just came off of a wave themselves.

Wouldn’t it be awesome if the Republicans had a huge majority like that? Then any time Obama has some new idea on how to expand government and tries to get it passed, the Republicans will just be like, “Shut up! And get me a soda, bitch!” Well, hopefully they’ll be that way, or we’ll need a third party.

Iran, as always, is moving towards nuclear weapons, and now Sen. McCain is starting to rattle the sabers. Are we really going to end up in a war with Iran? Led by sissy Obama goober? Probably more likely Obama is just going to sit there and make speeches, and then Iran will get the bomb, and then Obama will be like, “Well, nothing we can do now.” Then Iran will actually use the bomb and Israel will go ballistic and… lots of fun.

There’s probably not a happy ending to this Iran scenario, but who knows. Anyway, I think we should all rewatch 300 to see strategies that worked against the Persians. There’s a big difference, though, since in that movie their leader is very tall while Ahmadinejad can fit nicely in a shoebox.

Anyway, this should make all those people who want us out of Afghanistan and Iraq happy, because I’m thinking the way to get us out of there quickest is needing to start a new war with Iran. I just hope North Korea doesn’t use the distraction of the conflict to cause trouble, because that’s just what we need right. Well, I’m sure China and Russia will help out if that happens.

It’s Tax Day! It’s the day we all give back to the government so the dimwits in Congress can quickly waste the money on some bridge to nowhere. Man, if it weren’t for withholding, today would be a day of complete chaos and anarchy. It would be awesome.

I just wish this day didn’t have to feel so much like take a big portion of my earnings from last year and throwing it in a pile and burning it. What am I paying for these days? Defaulted mortgages caused by earlier jackassery of the government? It would be nice if the government at least humored us, sending us pictures of terrorists getting blown to pieces labeled, “Your taxes paid for this.” Then I’d at least feel my thousands of dollars were going to something useful. Instead I keep hearing about million dollar grants to some random museum in a Congressman’s district that didn’t even request money.

Here’s what we should do. I assume a lot of the Congressmen use some credit union or something in D.C. We should find a way to hack into all their accounts, steal all their money, and then spend it on completely useless crap… like everything from the Sharper Image catalog. Then they’ll get know what it feels like.

I don’t believe in gorillas.

Remember: It’s the duty of every American to make sure he pays as little in taxes as legally possible.

Why, yes I do have a mouse in my pocket and he does agree with my statement.

Isn’t Blu-ray already on its way to obsolesce? It involves motors and moving parts; it’s like something a caveman would use.

Blu-ray versus streaming is right now like a really fancy horse carriage versus an early model car.

One good thing about Heaven is it’s probably not full of hipsters. If it was, they’d probably just be enjoying it ironically.

Upgrading to Visual Studios 2010. Hopefully it will put a bunch more icons and windows on screen I’ll have no need for.

What’s happens if I neglect to pay thousands in taxes? The media will make fun of me for a few days when I become Secretary of Treasury?

If I make too much money for so many deductions, then why do I feel so poor right now?

At a time like this, it would be nice to pretend all that money isn’t going to end up a drop in the bucket on some pork project.

Like, it would be nice after mailing in my taxes, the government sent me a picture of some of the cruise missiles I helped fund.

I write a check to my church, I feel I’m doing something useful. Write a check to the government, just a step up from burning it.

Basically, all our money this year is going to pay for all the mistakes from the government’s jackassery of the last couple years. We won’t even have enough money to pay for the jackassery from this year.

I guess I should take some solace in my relatively absurd standard of living compared to other countries, but it’s hard right now.

IDEA: Lollipop should be included with tax forms and labeled “For after you finish.”

Some people think maybe we should put Al Gore on the Supreme Court. We should do it while he’s sleeping. Then he’ll wake up and find himself on top of the Supreme Court building and start screaming. It will be hilarious. He’ll probably start crying, though, and then we’ll feel bad and get him down. I bet he’ll blame the whole thing on Global Warming; what a wanker.

Have the tea parties been played out? Erick Erickson at Red State argues so, but more importantly, what do I think?

Personally, I’ve never been super big on tea parties. Tea parties are things little girls have with their dolls. Also, the only time I drink tea is when I drink green tea from little cups without handles to pretend I’m a samurai. I always would have rather had like a fight club than a tea party, but those are hard to get started.

And another thing: Don’t you think the tea parties have not been focused enough on the threat of meteors? Certainly not as much as the group Concerned Citizens Against Meteors. The tea party has been all focused on things like out-of-control spending and taxes, but meteors can destroy like a whole city. Keep some perspective, people.

Also, when was the last time you saw a sign at a tea party protest that was about the need for giant robots that kill people? I’ll soon be a father, and one day my child will look up at me and say, “Dad, are we being protected by giant robots?” And I want to be able to answer, “Yes. And call me Mr. Fleming. Informality killed the dinosaurs.” And then he’ll probably say, “Okay, but what’s with the sword and weird robe?” And I’ll say, “It’s tea time, stupid.”

So maybe the tea parties aren’t covering all the concerns of Americans. Perhaps it would be better if we made just some more general group working towards the original goal of our Founding Fathers: the eradication of all Democrats.

I’m a samurai!

I have a new column up at Pajamas Media. Go read it and be smarted.

So is a hipster the new evolution of the hippy? Are current antibiotics ineffective against it?

Every time someone is mean to Palin, she goes cries herself to sleep in her big pile of money.

I think society has been in a downward spiral ever since we outlawed bear baiting.

Revenge is a dish best served cold, and living well is the best revenge. So Palin has ultimate revenge being rich in Alaska.

Though living well is the best revenge, poisoning is pretty high on the list too.

Best way to trick someone into being poisoned:
STEP 1: Get bottle of poison.
STEP 2: Conceal skull and crossbones on bottle using a Sharpie.
STEP 3: Write “Drink Me” on bottle.
STEP 4: Leave bottle where it will be seen by victim.
Works every time, especially if you’re trying to poison a dog.

I heard this rumor Obama wasn’t even born in America: He was born in Hawaii.

Chris Christie isn’t very efficient. Yes, he’s twice the conservative of your average governor, but he’s also three times the size.

I find the census fascinating; how novel it is for the government to be doing something actually mentioned in the Constitution.

So the last time the U.S. formally declared war was WWII? I guess we’re just used to being more informal these days. I blame rampant hatlessness.

Gov. Christie should help New Jersey’s economy, but he’s personally put three restaurants out of business by using their all you can eat buffets.

This week terrorists, next week That One. Submit for either at lolterizt@gmail.com

Meanwhile, pass ‘em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don’t be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

NOTE TO READERS: Hovering your mouse over the picture activates closed captioning for the l33t-speak/txtmsg impaired.

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My favorites from the submissions using last edition’s uncaptioned picture:
From Adam:

From Axe:

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From Chuck:

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From Hart of That Hero:

From Hatless in Hattiesburg:

From Peregrine John:

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From Travis:

From MarcoMancuso:

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This week’s uncaptioned picture for you to play with:

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PRODUCTION NOTES:
#1: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

#2: Standard image size for these posts is 350px wide by whatever high. If you can have your images 350px wide before you caption them, I won’t end up shrinking your captions into illegibility when I re-size the images.

MAKE YOUR OWN: The free lolbuilder from I Can Has Cheezburger.

STYLE NOTE: Short captions are usually better. Your goal is 10 words or less, with humor value tending to increase exponentially as the number of words approaches 1.

HAT TIP: Brian of Snapped Shot’s magnificent EvilFeed – the world’s best source for ripe-for-captioning terrorist photos.

Send your submissions to lolterizt@gmail.com and – if they aren’t obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don’t suck too terribly bad – I’ll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

In Oklahoma, both Tea Parties and some lawmakers are thinking of forming a militia. Is that really necessary? The only purpose I could see to an official militia would be if conservatives expected some actual armed conflict with liberals. Since conservatives have larger numbers than liberals, many more people with military experience, and much more guns, also getting organized would just make such a conflict unfair to the point of being unsporting.

Actually, come to think of it, why haven’t we just become fed up with liberals and wiped them out a long time ago? I guess we’re just nice guys.

Obama, meeting with foreign leaders, told them our country is still working on democracy. I can only assume he then bowed to them. A top aide who was asked about the statement explained that Obama has made “historic steps” to improve democracy. What steps, you ask? Here’s what Obama has done:

TOP TEN HISTORIC STEPS OBAMA HAS MADE TO IMPROVE DEMOCRACY

10. A lollipop is handed out with every vote.

9. A camera was added every voting booth so if it looks like you’re having trouble with the ballot, someone can help you.

8. Confusing butterfly ballot replaced with mobius strip ballot.

7. Plans to add the American Idol’s “Judges’ Save” to other elections.

6. Ballot counting now done by the only group we can trust for complete accuracy: A non-partisan commission of unicorns.

5. To make ballots shorter and easier to understand, third parties are left off.

4. Leaving hanging chads is now punishable by death.

3. New Black Panthers standing at polls at threatening people with batons now must provide information on all candidates.

2. Sticker added to touchscreen voting saying, “DO NOT HACK.”

And the number one historic step Obama has made to improve democracy…

Read the rest of this entry »

Congress may have accidentally stripped themselves of their health care by passing Obamacare. So if Obamacare denies life-saving treatment to Congress, maybe it’s a problem that will fix itself.

I think something that would improve democracy is if you got a lollipop for voting.

Considering Republican enthusiasm for this November and the huge deficit, maybe it’s a good time for Democrats to propose a poll tax.

If those morons in Congress don’t completely screw up health care, it will be a miracle rivaling that of the parting of the Red Sea.

Good news, everyone: I currently have no plans to murder any of you.

According to ABC’s Jake Tapper, a new name has appeared on the president’s short list of possible Supreme Court nominees: Leah Ward Sears.

Yes, the former Atlanta traffic court judge is on the short list.

Okay, sure, she also served as Superior Court judge, then state Supreme Court justice, and finally Chief Justice of Georgia.

But look at her career on the Supreme Court. Her major accomplishments include dissenting opinions on:

• Club Southern Burlesque v. City of Carrollton (1995)
• McIntyre v. State (1995)
• Greene v. State (1996)
• LaFontaine v. State (1998)
• Lumpkin v. Johnson (1998)
• Gibson v. Turpin (1999)
• Wilson v. State(1999)
• Howard v. State (2000)
• Hill v. Head (2003)
• O’Kelley v. Cox (2004)
• Johnstone v. Thompson (2006)
• Morrison v. State (2006)
• Reaves v. State (2008)
• State v. Davis (2008)

Keep in mind that “dissenting” means that she differed with the court. She was on the losing side.

What does this mean? Her legal rulings are wrong. Her judgment is poor.

But that’s right up the alley for Obama and his socialist supporters.

Being legally correct isn’t important in a Supreme Court justice. Blindly following a bad political philosophy is what they seek.

With that crew, being a loser isn’t a bad thing. It’s a thing to be honored.

Imagine if this same logic applied to the NFL. Who would have been in the most recent Super Bowl? St. Louis (1-15) vs Kansas City (4-12).

Who would have been in the World Series? Washington (55-103) vs Baltimore (60-98).

Loser gets rewarded. That’s the liberal way.

Muslims in the UK are now allowed to throw shoes as part of protesting. As a supplication to Muslim sensibilities, it’s now not considered violent and instead a “ritual form of protest.” I thought Europe liked to consider itself civilized, but it’s kind of hard to have that when you tolerate certain segments of your population behaving like irate toddlers. If an American moved to UK, would he be allowed to shoot a shoe-thrower in the face, because culturally that’s what we do?

If a society can’t every once in a while tell some dimwits, “Your culture is stupid; stop it now,” then it might as well just roll over and die. Why should we care what culture people have in backwards, violent countries? Civilized people don’t throw shoes. Hell, grown up people don’t throw shoes. I’m not even sure monkeys would throw shoes. I would hope in America we would fire people out of a cannon into the sea before saying shoe-throwing is perfectly cromulent.

The Southern Republican Leadership Conference (yeah, I don’t really know what that is, but apparently it’s a big deal) had its Straw Poll, and the big winner:

Mitt Romney!

Yeah, the author of the disaster Massachusetts health care that Obamacare is an imitation of. Plus, I wonder if Barack Obama will have turned people off of having presidents with weird names like “Mitt.”

One vote behind Romney:

Ron Paul!

He was basically putting money to get people to attend the SRLC (tickets cost $150, but he was selling them for $30) in another lame attempt to finally trick us into thinking he has popular support and isn’t just supported by a bunch of cranks.

So things aren’t really looking great for Republicans in 2012 just yet. We really need someone to emerge who doesn’t… well… suck. So if you know anyone you think would be a good president, make sure to tell the Republicans about him/her.