Wonkette

YEAH YEAH YEAH, “who cares?” is right, but still: your editor Jim has finally made himself a personal Twitter, to be cool, and now doesn’t know what to do. Who is worth “following” and harassing, aside from Joe Lieberman? Maybe if you follow your editor, your editor will follow you — literally, like to your home — and everyone will be friends, on Twitter. (Also, this will almost never be updated, since your editor still firmly believes that time spent on this evil program ruins your brain pretty damn rapidly. But whatever, there’s can’t be much left after years of blogging.) [Twitter]

We heard on the radio that today was National Census Celebration Day, in celebration of the Census, which is happening now, as Wolf Blitzer might say, if he knew anything about what was happening. And then, on the radio, there were all these people calling in from Brooklyn and Queens and wherever saying, “Oh noes, I did not get a census form, I called and they told me to die,” etc., really Heart-Breaking, and then we realized that the census forms never showed up at our homes/offices here in Wonkette-World, so why are they trying to jape us? MORE »

DAVID BRODER, OUR NEW MARK TWAIN/FOZZIE BEAR? “Then I will write ‘This is not a selfish country,’ after two paragraphs about how people were opposed to this legislation because they thought it involved helping poor or black people or something, using their money.” [Pareene/Gawker]

Lyndon Johnson was actually America’s last great president. (Vietnam? Eh, nobody’s perfect!) We’ll wait another couple of years before we even consider young Barry Obama, who at least is trying to do the kind of Big Fucking Deal stuff last attempted when LBJ sat on his toilet in the oval office and barked orders at his actual servants, the U.S. Senators. MORE »

Jesus: he came, he saw, he came back, he hid some eggs, he befriended a bunny, let’s eat. Right? After the jump, where to dine to celebrate Jesus, spring, fertility, and horny rabbits.  MORE »

MEGHAN MCCAIN IS PRESIDENT OF TIME MAGAZINE: We have glanced through this new list of the 200 candidates for TIME magazine’s TIME 100, and here are some folks whom TIME considers to be among the 200 most important people in the world: “Snooki,” Meghan McCain, Joe Lieberman, Eric Cantor, Bristol Palin, Samuel Alito, Andrew Breitbart, and then like 190 soccer players. What we’re trying to say is, why hate on Willow? [TIME]

Just keep watching, the payoff is worth it. Will Guam “tip over and capsize” if 8,000 Marines and their families move there? Hmmm, let’s see, just give us a moment to consider the question …. ARE YOU FUCKING INSANE? This is U.S. Representative Hank Johnson, D-Georgia. And there’s a sad reason for his confusion, which will make you sad for laughing. But still! MORE »

As far as sarcastic lying political web-only videos go, this one from the National Republican Senatorial Committee is awesome. APRIL FOOL’S! But then again, they’ve made worse. MORE »

Ha ha, April Fools, look what this wacky conservative wingtard webzine did for today’s unfunny celebration of banal hate disguised as Jokes: “[T]here will be a few changes to the site. The pictures at the top will be replaced by photos of Ghandi, MLK, Linda Chavez, Michael Steele, and hip-hop Republican Cleo E. Brown.” Coloreds, all of them! That’s insane, this is a white person’s site. Commenters applauded this expert comedy, saying “Hilarious” and “Love it!” And by “it” they mean the Humor, not those coloreds. MORE »

• TYRANNY: “According to the New Orleans Times-Picayune, Reps. Anh ‘Joseph’ Cao of Louisiana and Ron Paul of Texas have joined Rep. Don Young (AK) in requesting earmarks for the 2011 fiscal year, despite a House Republican caucus vote this month to institute a moratorium on earmarks for one year. Those members’ committee assignments could be on the line, according to a spokesman for House Minority Leader John Boehner.” Boehner would earn points if he only stripped Ron Paul of his assignments, for hilarity. THEY ARE TRYING TO SILENCE GOD!, etc. [TPM]

America’s most poorly clothed senator, Scott “The Bush” Brown of the RomneyCare State, attended a pornographic play last night about his very own life at Boston’s Improv Asylum last night. It was called “You’re A Good Man, Scott Brown,” just like in the cartoons. Was it funny? We don’t know, ask someone from goddamn Boston! But someone did wave his balls in Scott Brown’s face at some point. MORE »

Offshore drilling? He did? Offshore drilling, YAY!!!… oh yah, Boehner says what? Shoulda read mah gash-darn Frank Luntz memo… IT’S A TRAP & COMMUNISM, why does Obama hate our troops? [Twitter]

If there is one group of people your Wonkette cannot tolerate, it is vulgarians, with their toilet humor and Satanic acronyms about fucking. These are the only people employed at Organizing for America, a.k.a. “BarackObama.com.” Look at Joe Biden’s “big fucking deal” right there, on the tee shirt, in the Obama Font. Filthy. If only David Brooks or another polite young man were running this place. [Organizing for America]