Hillary Clinton Appears Before Rally Completely Nude In Bid For Authenticity

‘Here I Am, A Mere Human Being,’ Says Naked Candidate

RALEIGH, NC—Flatly declaring to audience members that she stood on stage as no more than a human being with nothing to hide, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly appeared Friday before a campaign rally completely nude in a bid to once and for all prove her authenticity.

Resourceful Man Able To Cobble Together Bad Mood From Handful Of Minor Annoyances

DAYTON, OH—Admiring how he could assemble a sour demeanor from practically nothing, employees at Western Business Services told reporters Friday their coworker Mark Daniels has the ability to cobble together a bad mood from just a handful of minor annoyances.

ISIS Struggling To Narrow Down GOP Debate Sound Bites For New Recruitment Video

RUKBAN, SYRIA—Growing increasingly tired and frustrated as they pored through tens of hours of footage packed with usable material, members of the militant group ISIS informed reporters Friday that they’ve been struggling to narrow down which GOP debate sound bites to use in their new recruitment video.

‘I Suffer From Severe Psychological Issues And I Need The Help Of Mental Health Professionals,’ Says Trump In Pointed Debate Comeback

MIAMI—Following a series of attacks by his opponents on inconsistent policy statements he has made in the past, Republican frontrunner Donald Trump reportedly shot back at his challengers with a pointed and stinging rebuttal during Thursday’s GOP debate, saying, “I suffer from severe psychological issues, and I desperately need the help of mental health professionals.”

In The News

New Evidence Suggests Early Humans First Used Fire To Impress Friends

KURUMAN, SOUTH AFRICA—Archaeologists excavating a 1.5-million-year-old Homo erectus habitation site this week unearthed the strongest evidence to date that early humans first used fire to impress their friends.

Noam Chomsky Announces Las Vegas Residency

Political Critic To Make Nightly Speaking Appearances At Bellagio Resort Through 2019

LAS VEGAS—During a standing-room-only press event at the Bellagio hotel Thursday, renowned linguist, political commentator, and anarcho-syndicalist advocate Noam Chomsky announced an upcoming three-year residency at the luxury resort and casino that is scheduled to begin this April.

Mom Wants To Know If You’ll Be Free If She Visits 14 Months From Now

JANESVILLE, WI—Expressing her excitement to be shown around where you live and work, your mother reportedly called you Thursday to see if you would be free if she came to visit 14 months from now.

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Onion Explains: The Terrifying Growth Of ISIS

What motivates the brutal terrorist group to commit its atrocities and how does it use technology to spread fear worldwide? The Onion explains the horrifying spread of ISIS.

Scientists Find Strong Link Between Male Virility, Wearing Mötley Crüe Denim Jacket

A new study from Harvard University found that men who wear Mötley Crüe denim jackets on a regular basis showed staggering levels of testosterone and sexual prowess.
Onion Explains: Global Nuclear Proliferation

How close has the nuclear-armed world come to a descending into outright global catastrophe? The Onion explains nuclear proliferation.
Onion Explains: The Totalitarian State Of North Korea

How is the secretive totalitarian government of the Hermit Kingdom operated? The Onion explains North Korea.
The Onion Reviews ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’

The Onion’s movie critic Peter K. Rosenthal reviews ‘Star Wars: The Force Awakens’ in this week’s Film Standard.
Onion Explains: International Drug Trade

How do dangerous narcotics cartels smuggle their goods into the U.S. and what is the human cost of their operations? The Onion explains the drug trade.

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Drone Places Fresh Kill On Steps Of White House

News in Photos

Paul Ryan Adds 14-Ounce Training Weights To Speaker’s Gavel

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A Look Back At The Career Of Peyton Manning: The Greatest Of All Time, Depending On Who You Ask, At Least Based On Passing Numbers

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Resourceful Man Able To Cobble Together Bad Mood From Handful Of Minor Annoyances

DAYTON, OH—Admiring how he could assemble a sour demeanor from practically nothing, employees at Western Business Services told reporters Friday their coworker Mark Daniels has the ability to cobble together a bad mood from just a handful of minor annoyances.
ISIS Struggling To Narrow Down GOP Debate Sound Bites For New Recruitment Video

RUKBAN, SYRIA—Growing increasingly tired and frustrated as they pored through tens of hours of footage packed with usable material, members of the militant group ISIS informed reporters Friday that they’ve been struggling to narrow down which GOP debate sound bites to use in their new recruitment video.
Hillary Clinton Appears Before Rally Completely Nude In Bid For Authenticity

RALEIGH, NC—Flatly declaring to audience members that she stood on stage as no more than a human being with nothing to hide, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly appeared Friday before a campaign rally completely nude in a bid to once and for all prove her authenticity.
New Evidence Suggests Early Humans First Used Fire To Impress Friends

KURUMAN, SOUTH AFRICA—Archaeologists excavating a 1.5-million-year-old Homo erectus habitation site this week unearthed the strongest evidence to date that early humans first used fire to impress their friends.

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Zoo Koala Hunted By Wild Mountain Lion
Resourceful Man Able To Cobble Together Bad Mood From Handful Of Minor Annoyances

DAYTON, OH—Admiring how he could assemble a sour demeanor from practically nothing, employees at Western Business Services told reporters Friday their coworker Mark Daniels has the ability to cobble together a bad mood from just a handful of minor annoyances.
ISIS Struggling To Narrow Down GOP Debate Sound Bites For New Recruitment Video

RUKBAN, SYRIA—Growing increasingly tired and frustrated as they pored through tens of hours of footage packed with usable material, members of the militant group ISIS informed reporters Friday that they’ve been struggling to narrow down which GOP debate sound bites to use in their new recruitment video.
Hillary Clinton Appears Before Rally Completely Nude In Bid For Authenticity

RALEIGH, NC—Flatly declaring to audience members that she stood on stage as no more than a human being with nothing to hide, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton reportedly appeared Friday before a campaign rally completely nude in a bid to once and for all prove her authenticity.
New Evidence Suggests Early Humans First Used Fire To Impress Friends

KURUMAN, SOUTH AFRICA—Archaeologists excavating a 1.5-million-year-old Homo erectus habitation site this week unearthed the strongest evidence to date that early humans first used fire to impress their friends.

Letters To The Editor

Recipe: Dear The Onion, You printed a recipe for marshmallow Jell-O salad in one of your issues in the 1950s or possibly early '60s. Could you remind my friend Eunice and I how many teaspoons of lemon juice the recipe called for? Annabelle Turner, Dubuque, IA

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Sweetie, As You Get Older, Your Body Becomes More Shameful

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