BeWell recently spoke with Janada Clark, MA, who teaches Love and Logic through the Stanford WorkLife program and throughout the community, in hopes of getting an answer to the age-old question: "Can I become a better parent?"
What issues do parents bring up most in your class?
The three most common issues I hear from parents of children of all ages are:
How would you describe the most common parenting styles?
Most parents use one of the following parenting styles in dealing with their children:
Helicopter Parent:
Drill Sergeant Parent:
Consultant Parent:
An essential goal in parenting is to prepare children for the real world, which translates into equipping children with tools and the confidence to make good decisions on their own. Both Helicopter and Drill Sergeant parenting styles are ineffective and fall short of this goal. A Helicopter parent takes over the responsibility of decision making and problem solving and promotes a message of weakness. Instead of teaching how to work out a problem, the parent owns the problem, takes care of it and robs the child of experiencing the natural consequences of a poor decision. A Drill Sergeant Parent directs the life of their child expecting compliance through the use of intimidation. The message to the child is they need to listen to others (not their own voice) when making decisions and solving problems. Training a child to listen to an outside authority can create havoc in the teenage years, when adolescents look to peers to make decisions instead of trusting their own judgment.
What do you find compelling about the "consultant" style of parenting?
The consultant style of parenting is by far the most effective in raising children who make responsible decisions independently. Being raised in an atmosphere of empathy promotes self-worth and builds confidence. Using a strong dose of empathy, “Oh that is so sad,” a parent demonstrates they are on the child’s side and love their child unconditionally. Empathy also helps the child from getting angry and believing the parent is the cause of the problem.
The consultant parent is very similar to consultants hired to help with decision making and problem solving. They listen, suggest and help explore alternatives when making decisions. A consultant parent encourages cooperation by offering numerous age-appropriate choices, giving the child many opportunities to practice making decisions. Time frames are offered for the child to complete responsibilities rather than ultimatums. A consultant parent is okay with a child making mistakes and allows them to experience life’s natural consequences from a poor decision.
Is it important for children to make mistakes?
Children need to make mistakes because this is how they learn to make better decisions the next time around. Mistakes turn on an internal voice: “Wow, that didn’t turn out so good for me; I wonder what I can do differently the next time?”
The child raised by a helicopter or drill sergeant parent will likely be angry with their parent and blame them as the source of the problem. They develop an internal voice that most likely says: “Wow, that didn’t turn out so good for me. I wonder what I can do the next time so I won’t get caught?”
What advice would you give a parent trying to help their child to solve a problem?
Give a child the tools to solve problems and you’ve given them an essential life skill. These simple steps will help you guide your child to figure out solutions.
Interview conducted by Julie Croteau and edited by Lane McKenna Ryan.