We recognize that Stanford sits on the ancestral land of the Muwekma Ohlone tribe. This land was and continues to be of great importance to the Ohlone people. Consistent with our values of community and inclusion, we have a responsibility to acknowledge, honor and make visible the University’s relationship to Indigenous peoples. Well, as long as we get to keep the land.

We understand that Stanford, and indeed the United States, has no legitimate claim to the land it occupies. One cannot forget how through centuries of deception, coercion and violence, Indigenous peoples were killed in large numbers, deprived of their culture and language and forced onto undersized reservations. Nor can we ignore the fact that Stanford would not exist otherwise. Not only do we remember this horrific legacy, but we wholeheartedly engage with and elevate it.

But doing anything meaningful about that harm would probably be going too far. Consider the vital role Stanford plays in our society as an elite institution for higher education. Stanford helps so many privileged students achieve things they always knew they could. Truly, the loss of Stanford would be a dear one to all.

Plus, the University has operated since 1891, which is basically forever. It’s almost like we always owned the land.

But that won’t stop us from continuing to honor the University’s relationship to Indigenous peoples, whatever that means. Who knows? With enough acknowledgement, maybe the whole issue will go away.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.