The logic is simple. The cost of an in-person education at Stanford last year was $52,857. It only follows, then, that the cost of a completely remote education — devoid of Stanford’s resources — should be more. Let’s say, 5% more!

At $52,857, students were basically robbing the University. Stanford was providing us with a world-class education and the opportunity to explore anything our minds dreamt of. And what did we give them? Nothing. Well, besides money.

Now, with unemployment rates at an all-time high due to a global pandemic, our ability to pay has only increased. Being cut off from campus resources, coupled with our classrooms restricted to a Zoom call in our childhood bedroom, the Stanford education has only improved. It’s hard to truly quantify this improvement, but $55,473 is a start.

“We believe the value of a Stanford education and degree, whether in-person or remote, continues to greatly exceed tuition,” University spokesperson E.J. Miranda wrote in a statement. (And that line isn’t even satire — he really said that!)

Screw it — $55,473? That’s not enough. Stanford has a $27.7 billion endowment, and there were 7,000 of us undergraduates last year. Thus, if we are to truly pay for our Stanford education, the University must set tuition to $3,959,405.37.

I am sure there are students out there who agree with me. If you do, support my cause. Sign my petition. Let’s make things right.

— Dersis Prell ’24

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.