2020 is over! Somehow everything is even worse. Throw your grand ideas about “working out more” and “getting good grades” into the trash because here are five realistic resolutions you should set for this new year. 

1. Stop getting your hopes up

Ah, yes. Remember when we were all young, innocent youths who believed that “2021 is going to be better” and “of course we’ll be on campus?” Tear out every last shred of hope from your conscience and become a hardened, pessimistic, emotionless rock. It’s better that way. 

2. Stop treating LinkedIn like social media

When you feel the need to make an inspirational post about how you came to this country with $20, a rooster and a rickshaw boat and now you have an unpaid internship at some Instagram knockoff… briefly pause. Check yourself. Does everyone really have to know? 

3. Switch out of that 8:00 a.m. class

Don’t lie to yourself: You’re never going to be able to wake up on time. 

4. Consume at least one (1) vegetable

Pick the most appealing. Carrot? Rutabaga? Kale? Eat it and delude yourself into thinking that this will help your bowels, clear your skin and allow you to cancel out the last 23 days of eating nothing but cookies and the occasional slice of cheese. 

5. Don’t storm the U.S. Capitol in an act of domestic terrorism

Oh. Wait…. 

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.