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Humor by Patrick Monreal
Following a decision-making process about as transparent as a Crothers basement window, the entire Stanford community has finally lost faith in whatever ****ing magic conch shell Provost Persis Drell and President Marc Tessier-Lavigne were consulting in winter-quarter planning.
“It is with deep regret that we announce we can no longer delude frosh and sophomores into boarding a plane to the literal epicenter of a global pandemic,” wrote Drell and Tessier-Lavigne. “Back in December, only 400 people were dying per day in California — it was truly a different time. Now, it’s 500 people per day.”
While the University has its sights on spring quarter, student leaders are overreacting by selfishly requesting that they have a say in decisions that affect them. In response, Drell and Tessier-Lavigne announced that all future decisions will be made by that one machete-wielding bike thief that the Fountain Hopper reported on last February.
“Apparently we’ve had issues with the whole ‘public safety’ side of these decisions,” wrote Drell and Tessier-Lavigne. “So, we picked someone that prioritizes public safety just a bit more than we do. I mean, we want people to really believe us next time. This guy once convinced a freshman to transport stolen coffee across campus, so he ought to be the right man to convince students of whatever trumped-up Fyre Festival crap we pull next time.”
Our machete-wielding friend replaces a decision-making team that has so far only been referred to vaguely as “medical experts.” On a totally unrelated note, how is Stanford medical expert Scott Atlas doing?
At press time, Drell was seen saying, “And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids,” to one of the Burghers of Calais with a picture of Santa Clara County Public Health Director Sarah Cody taped onto it.
Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.