Economics major Marcus Wang ‘22 reported feeling really freaking psyched to explain last week’s events surrounding GameStop stock and Reddit community r/WallStreetBets to unsuspecting female students.

“As an econ major, I have a grasp of certain nuances lost on the average person,” said Wang, who declared six months ago. “I just can’t wait to share my unique insights with other less knowledgeable, likely female, students.”

With 35 units of knowledge on the subject, Wang knows it’s his responsibility to keep himself and any woman he views as a potential romantic or sexual partner informed.

“I can’t blame people, specifically women I’m attracted to, for not understanding what is a very complicated situation,” explained Wang. “There are a lot of factors at play: The WallStreetBets subreddit’s culture of financial vigilantism, the trading app Robinhood’s culpability and whether the girl I’m inevitably explaining this all to is wearing a tight shirt… it’s a lot to wrap your head around.”

Despite Wang and his classmates not yet reaching the textbook chapter about market manipulation, Wang is certain that his close reading of two and a half articles on the subject gives him the authority to tell attractive women which parties were most at fault. 

“Hey, if you want, I can help you set up a trading account,” said Wang. “Like, if you’re not busy. Are you busy?”

 Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.