A chronic anachronism, Ben enjoys well-punctuated texts and oatmeal cookies. He's also majoring in psychology, so he knows how many fingers you're thinking of holding up. Spam him at bmidler 'at' stanforddaily.com.
“We conducted a thorough investigation of the posts made on Piazza and concluded that most of them were actually useless,” said Piazza spokesperson Samuel Doldrum
"By the end of the 163-minute runtime, did you also feel like there was just too much missing to name?" asks Benjamin Midler. "Did you also wait until after the credits in the vain hope that there would be something — anything — more that could help piece things together?"
HUMOR: The University’s decision to constrain undergraduate housing to those with special circumstances has led many students to find creative ways of circumventing the rules.
SATIRE: In California, the administration of the coronavirus vaccine has hit a healthcare worker bottleneck: There simply aren’t enough nurses and doctors to stab people in the arm. A recent initiative seeks to remedy this problem by employing the unique talents of fourth graders who like stabbing themselves with pencils.
SATIRE: Players stood in a circle, each holding a plastic cup. An assistant coach standing nearby would blow his whistle at regular intervals, with all the players sneezing into their cups on cue then passing each cup to the right.
SATIRE: Lead researcher and Chem 33 professor John Kimble explained that the initial breakthrough for this monumental discovery — dubbed Nofunium — came to him while grading quizzes.
SATIRE: With the start of an unprecedented quarter, many students are taking comfort from even the little signs of normalcy. The weekly arrival of emails from Cardinal Nights brings such a taste of pre-pandemic life, as does throwing those unopened messages in the trash.
In a recent press release, Pepsi Co., once the sixth largest naval power in the world, announced that, as a publicity stunt for their new Smokey, BBQ Flavor Doritos™, they had released 300 metric tons of atomized BBQ Doritos into the atmosphere above San Francisco.
Several weeks ago, Vice Provost for Undergraduate Education Harry J. Elam, Jr. announced that 12 summer courses would be offered free of charge to 300 students who will be selected by raffle.
SATIRE: "I’ve done the math, and if we each eat 200 boxes of Cheerios between now and the start of fall quarter we should be able to make up the lost money.”
The administration, after coming under immense pressure to rename Jordan Hall in light of its namesake’s historic support of the eugenics movement, has begun to put in place contingency measures in case any other buildings need to be renamed.
SATIRE: “When I left campus I didn’t realize I’d be gone for all of Spring Quarter,” said Felipe Flake '23 when explaining his desire to be reunited with his possessions. “I just can’t go that long without my teddy bear. Oh, and my edibles.”
Last week, in what was described by Stanford Facilities Management Department (SFMD) authorities as a routine procedure, the light at the top of Hoover Tower was replaced. “It was getting old and was horribly inefficient,” said May Entanance, director of the SFMD. The new light, which is manufactured by a local Bay Area company, was…
The latest season of the U.S. government is yet to conclude, but, after last week’s riveting impeachment trial, the show’s producers have already announced their intentions to renew the blockbuster TV hit for another season.
SATIRE: The letter, which claims that the failing grade constitutes defamation, insisted it be raised to “at least 69 percent—or a D+” per Stanford’s grade guidelines.