Senate negotiates infrastructure bill down to two-mile stretch of highway near Area 51
HUMOR: “This is a historic investment that will help us rebuild the economy and put a dozen or so people back to work.”
Prateek Joshi
Prateek, a former editor-in-chief of Brown University’s satirical newspaper (The Brown Noser), signed with the Stanford Daily’s satire section in free agency. He also had one glorious month-long stint contributing headlines to The Onion, none of which were published. Feel free to send him article suggestions and harsh criticism at pjoshi2 ‘at’ stanford.edu. His favorite hobby is getting an M.S. in Civil and Environmental Engineering (Class of 2021), focusing on sustainable energy systems. When he’s not satirizing, he’s fervently searching for whoever had the nerve to claim the “pjoshi1” email username.
Local Chuck E. Cheese’s unsure whether to embrace or condemn rodent infestation
HUMOR: "But if we condemn the mice, we lose sight of the subtle forces that brought us to power in the family entertainment and restaurant business.”
New IKEA store just large pile of unassembled concrete and rebar
HUMOR: Our customers have long appreciated the DIY nature of our furniture, and the natural next step is to transition to DIY stores.
Study finds Americans increasingly divided into those who reject science, those who embrace science to build nuclear weapons
“We’ve found that the percentage of people who either understand nothing about basic science or who understand just enough to build a nuclear warhead are at all-time highs.”
‘Imagine if about 25,000 cardboard boxes each contained one three-toed sloth’ says documentary narrator struggling to convey size of blue whale
HUMOR: “To put it more simply, that’s around 20,000 boxes each housing a two-toed sloth. Simply amazing, isn’t it?"
New York Knicks announce special promotion to give away first 500 fans at each home game
HUMOR: “When it’s safe to open our doors to fans, I can promise you that the first 500 attendees at each game will be promptly given away to another team.”
Tom Brady will start in record 10th Doritos Super Bowl commercial
HUMOR: The quarterback will surpass his previous record of nine Super Bowl commercials for the legendary tortilla chip brand produced by Frito-Lay, Inc.
AT&T unveils new 5G technology that drops calls 3 times faster than previously thought possible
SATIRE: “With our revolutionary 5G infrastructure that covers two and a half blocks of the SoMa neighborhood in San Francisco, the call will fail before you even hear a single ring. Now that is lighting fast.”
Ancestry.com stops beating around the bush and just tells you that Great-grandma was a Klan member
SATIRE: "Instead of just owning a cute little bakery in St. Louis like we told you, she was also a prominent leader of the Women's Ku Klux Klan throughout the 1920's."
‘Maybe smell it first?’ recommends FDA
SATIRE: “Look, we’ve been pretty slammed with the coronavirus stuff as of late, so instead of e-mailing me a bunch of questions about the romaine lettuce you bought, just give it a little sniff and if it smells fine then it’s probably okay to eat.”
Republican Party decries nation’s dependence on bloated government bureaucracy to count election ballots
SATIRE: RNC chairperson Ronna McDaniel is highly critical of states that waste taxpayer money to hire and train qualified individuals to count ballots in order to ensure a free and fair election.
Scientists hypothesize that discovery of phosphine on Venus provides evidence of intelligent life on Earth
SATIRE: Researchers are being cautious and still cannot determine with full confidence if this discovery was a complete fluke or the result of decades of diligent adherence to the principles of physics, chemistry, and biology.
Prepared man already naked by end of TSA line
SATIRE: Johnson, who arrived at his gate seven hours early after bypassing the X-ray machine altogether, was viewed by fellow passengers as a shining example of the virtues of planning ahead of time.
Self-driving car absolutely going to pull over if you two don’t cut it out back there
SATIRE: The CEO of Waymo announced that the company’s latest vehicle will absolutely pull over if you two don’t cut it out back there.
Purdue Pharma vows to make cripplingly addictive drugs more affordable for working class
SATIRE: Average Americans are struggling to keep up with the rising costs of prescription drugs, especially the ones that give you a wild high and result in a damaging lifelong dependency.
Director of US Fish and Wildlife Service holds press conference to distinguish between the two
SATIRE: Director Aurelia Skipwith unequivocally stated that fish were in fact separate from wildlife, and not just one subset of wildlife as scientists previously thought.
Betsy DeVos concerned that most high school grads lack skills to properly execute pyramid scheme
Expressing concern about how prepared the class of 2020 is for the real world, U.S. Secretary of Education Betsy DeVos announced that the overwhelming majority of high school graduates lack the skills to properly execute a pyramid scheme.
Alarming UN report on biodiversity loss admits we probably don’t need hagfish anyway
Warning that the rate of species extinction is accelerating at an unprecedented pace, the United Nations released an alarming intergovernmental report on Friday admitting that, despite this rapid decline in biodiversity, we probably don’t need hagfish anyways. “This man-made ‘sixth extinction’ will have disturbing ramifications across the entire planet because all species, except for the…
Promiscuous insect feeling unfulfilled In symbiotic relationship with tree
Proclaiming that the passion has slowly faded away, a local promiscuous ant reported feeling unfulfilled in its symbiotic relationship with the nearby tree.
Senate’s new coronavirus relief bill provides financial assistance on every single roll of hoarded toilet paper
Unveiling “phase 4” of a massive congressional COVID-19 stimulus package this week, Senate Republicans announced plans for sweeping discounts on every single roll of 1-ply toilet paper that has been hoarded.
Lonely NASA scientists wish InSight rover would Skype home every now and then
SATIRE: Expressing their concern for the rover’s safety and well-being, NASA’s lonely scientists admitted Tuesday that they wished InSight would Skype home every now and then. The sophisticated machine, launched from Earth almost two years ago, has barely kept in touch with its home planet.
Woods Institute finds 90% of ocean pollutants are messages in bottles en route to transatlantic lover
Released on Monday, the study shed new light on the previously unknown sources of ocean pollution.
Berkeley develops earthquake warning app, giving each California resident just enough time to illegibly scribble will onto napkin
SATIRE: Previous versions of the warning system only gave a split-second heads up — leaving people only enough time to contemplate their legacy.
Insecure horse feels like he doesn’t deserve spot in Stanford stable
SATIRE: “It’s pretty intimidating to gallop around this country club-esque campus when you know these are hallowed fields steeped in generations of equine achievement,” said Jigsaw the horse.
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