“I’ve been teaching at Stanford since the 70s, when the supply of icebreakers seemed almost limitless,” said a faculty member. “Now it takes me almost an hour every morning to find something I haven’t used.”

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SATIRE: “We’re not sure why students are reacting negatively. Do you want a bigger statue? More emails expressing my sincere personal condolences? It’s just so hard to keep you all happy.”

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SATIRE: "Our acceptance rate still hovers around four percent, which, quite frankly, is ridiculously high."

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SATIRE: “Last week, I’m pretty sure she sat by a window just so that we could see people outside willingly wearing masks.”

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SATIRE: Dean of Admissions Mike Devlin stressed that the policy was a temporary response to the current situation, and reminded the world’s approximately 240 million 15- and 16-year-olds that it was never too early to start working on one’s Stanford application.

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