Finding the perfect Valentine’s Day gift is never easy. Believe me, I’ve been there, staring down the seasonal aisle at Walgreens, trying desperately to find the perfect piece of love-themed garbage that will help me secure a man’s affection. No really, I’ve been there. Seriously, you can believe me, why would I lie about it? Anyways, luckily for you, The Occasionally has appointed me as its Official Love Expert™, and so I’m here to share my tried and true gift ideas that will help you artfully seduce any human man.

Candy hearts

Candy hearts are such a cute, nostalgic gift. Everybody loves getting these, even men! The convenient little messages on the hearts will communicate all the romantic sentiments you’re too shy to share like “UR 2 Cool” and “Do You Want To Go On A Couple’s Cruise?” They might lack taste, but then again so do you.

Chocolates

All men love chocolates. Well, I mean, I’m 89% sure all men love chocolates … unless they’re lactose-intolerant. Or maybe if they experienced some sort of traumatic incident involving chocolates? Then I guess they would understandably not like chocolates. But besides that all men love chocolates. Yeah, get him chocolates, that sounds right.

A secret

Everybody loves a good truth telling sesh. It can really help spark a connection. I’ll demonstrate the power of honesty by disclosing a truth about myself: I have never met a man. Not once. Not even by accident. But if you’re desperate enough to look for personal gift advice from a random person on the internet, I assume you haven’t either. Don’t worry, though! I have read about men in books, and I apparently have an uncle, so I’m still very qualified to give man-related advice. Anyways, next gift …

Sportsman’s attire

Men love to disguise themselves in the costumes of their favorite sportsmen. It is unclear why, perhaps they want to put on some sort of play? Regardless, you will always be able to enthrall your sweetheart by presenting him with a chic sports jersey bearing the name of his patron ball-chaser. Bonus points if it has sexy, 80s-inspired shoulder pads!

Meat

Meat makes men feel virile. I think. Get a raw frozen steak and carefully cut it into a heart, then present it to your lover boy on a doily for added romance. This is also a great way to initiate a sexy time, I assume. Nothing says ‘I want to copulate’ like the smell of beef.

Tank of gasoline

Men like cars, and gasoline tanks are red, which makes them romantic. If you want to add some seduction to the gift, carefully paint the silhouette of a woman with anatomically impossible curves onto the side. Additionally, you might choose to sexily honk as you give him the gift. This will make him all revved up. Like a car.

Tell him how you feel with human words

Ask him if he wants to go out with you. Just kidding! That sounds scary. Also … can men speak? Again, I have never met one.

Ketamine

Everybody loves a good surprise!

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.