Author Archive - Carlo

Now that The Draw results are out, classes are over, and you’re looking harder and harder for something to distract you from your last finals of the year (and possibly ever…), it’s time to focus on what really matters:

What theme is your next dorm or house going to have?

We have a long and time-honored tradition here at TUSB of suggesting dorm themes for the upcoming year, which can be found here: Part I, Part II, Part III, and Part IV. To our knowledge, none of these themes have ever been used, although I would still really like to push for Adelfart.

Special thanks to Jasmine, who helped come up with a lot of these; you’re a great person to bounce ideas off of, not only for this post, but in life as well. You are also much better at HTML than I am.

As a graduating senior, I am so incredibly sad to say that this will be my last post for The Unofficial Stanford Blog. Granted, most of my blog history has just been these puns (and this one about Cal that I’m proud of), but there’s still nothing more satisfying than seeing your stupid, ultimately inconsequential, thoughts and ideas circulating the internet for a day or two. That being said, this Dorm Theme series has been a highlight of my blogging–nay, STANFO–nah, blogging– career, and just as it was passed onto me by one Josh Freedman, I would like to pass it on to another eager, pun-loving underclassman, so please let me know if you’re interested! Anyways, leave a comment below letting us know your favorites, or suggestions for even better themes! Let’s get this party started.

Stern-ify Play Queue

“GET LARKY” by Daft Punk
SERRACKLEMORE AND RYAN LEWIS– “Can’t Hold Us”
LIL TWAIN ft. DRAKE, FUTURE– “Love Me”
IMAGINE DONNERAGONS– “It’s Time”
JUSTIN TIMBURBANK– “Mirrors”
ZAPATAPOP– “I Love It”

Wilbur

GAME OF OTERONES- perfect metaphor for freshman year: Seduction. Betrayal. Peter Dinklage.
DJRO UNCHAINED
KAREOKADA
TRANCK OCEAN
ARROYO TO THE KNEE
CEDRORITOS LOCOS TACOS- It’s better than dining hall food.
A RINCLE IN TIME
DYSOTOPIAN SOCIETY  (more…)

This post is in response to a Daily Californian blog, which can be read here. The opinions expressed in this article are not the opinions expressed by The Unofficial Stanford Blog, The Stanford Daily, or its writers. Oh man, have I always wanted to write that. Buckle up.

Dear Daily Californian,

Recently, you published a blog article (blarticle) entitled “No competition” which, in my humble opinion, went too far. The Stanford Daily has already issued a response, which can be read here, but I thought I would take advantage of this blog’s Unofficial-ness to say some words that the good people at the Daily are too nice to say.

I… I can’t look away. So horrifying, and yet… so beautiful. (Credit: Jasmine M.)

Originally, my article just had the words “get over it” and a detailed sketch of the Tree mooning a bear, but my editor said the text had to at least fill a whole line.

So I wrote more words:

While I’m as pleased as anyone that you’ve learned to proofread, and have access to a platform to show other people this new skill, this is the saddest and most asinine drivel that’s ever been mistaken for a blog. And that’s after I learned “Birds with Arms” exists.

I realize that this post was written in good fun, something with which to placate the ire of students and alumni after Stanford’s beatdown of Cal, but I implore you to keep it classy, or at least relevant. When you fault a young woman for what might have been a keystroke error (Although a score of 10-1, while unlikely, is certainly possible), or insult the readers of the Daily (which include professors, Nobel Laureates, and freshmen in Stern Dining) in one sweeping generalization, you are sucking on the dregs of the stupidest Stanford-Cal rivalry there is, or ever will be: proofreading.

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A couple days ago, I decided to break the time-honored tradition of napping until 9pm and actually spent my afternoon outside. I walked to The Claw and sat. Just sat and observed. And I sat on that stone bench for almost three hours, as sunlight, water mist, and teenage pheromones bathed my skin. Here are a few observations I made during that time:

10. There are a lot of BMX riders on campus

Things needed to do this: 1. helmet 2. shin guards 3. severe disregard for gravity

Does Stanford attract more thrill-seeking cyclists during the summer, or are they more visible because there are fewer people on campus? I saw a least 4 different BMXers pass through my perch outside the bookstore. Gnarly.

9. People run

This is nothing new; Stanford students can jog year-round, thanks to almost-perpetual sunshine and ample trails. But I’m not just talking about the running club (which I was inadvertently part of, as they apparently meet near where I was sitting), but random people. In jeans. One was running to the post office, ostensibly to mail a package before it closed. Another because–I’m not sure. It looked like he suddenly realized he could get places in less time by simply moving his legs faster. If time is money, and running saves time, then these people were coupons still ridiculous-looking.

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As an RA this past year, I can tell you one thing: puns are hard. Coming up with a clever theme for your dorm is a lot of pressure, and can cause an unnecessary amount of stress (because heaven knows you won’t be stressed during the year). That’s where we at TUSB come in. Below, you’ll find perfectly useable themes for your dorm or house; upperclassmen, feel free to suggest them to your new house staff by emailing them nonstop and posting the themes you like on your houses’ Facebook groups. They really really like it when you do that. Trust me, I’m an RA.

This is the fourth iteration of the list (click to see the suggested themes from the first, second, and third), and the first without the guidance of the incomparable Josh Freedman, to whom I owe my career as a comedy writer (for the Robber Barons and TUSB), my ability to use WordPress, as well as my second-born child. Hope this lives up to your vision.

Special thanks to Jasmine Magbutay and the Robber Barons for your help and support; I cannot, in good conscience say that I thought up my personal favorite theme, and it makes me sad/so overwhelmingly joyful to admit that. Anyways, feel free to comment on your favorites, or suggest better themes for next year. Without further ado, here are the themes I am suggesting for the entire Stanford campus next year. RAs and house staff, let’s make this dream come true.

Arrillaga is so mainstream.

HipStern

LARKINSTAGRAM
SERRAMERICAN APPAREL
TWAINBLR
DONNIRONY
BURBAN(K) OUTFITTERS
ZAPATABLY NEVER HEARD OF IT…

Wilbur: Wilbur

SOTERO
OTERANCOS
TRANCSOTO
JUNIPERROYO
OKADARROYO
ARROYOTERO
CEDJRO
RINCOKADA

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To this year’s Larkinites (but I guess you other freshmen can read this too):

I’ve seen a lot of things in my time here on the Farm. I’ve seen world leaders, I’ve seen philosophers, I’ve seen TV personalities, and I’ve seen Afroman. I’ve seen buildings razed, and seen buildings raised (and heard too; I lived in Toyon through the construction of the Arrillaga dining hall). I’ve seen magic. I’ve seen brilliance. And I’ve seen far too many wangs. In short, I’ve seen Stanford.

Going into my junior year, I’m starting to realize that my time on the Farm is fleeting. What is my legacy to this renowned institution? An article about how my skateboard was stolen and a sketch about Greek life? Nay. This shall be my legacy. My magnum opus. My Toy Story 3. This collection of little time savers and campus observations shall live on forever, and, hopefully, my impact will stretch from here to infinity… and beyond.

Here’s my list of hacks for this year’s incoming class. You’ll hear a bunch of generic pieces of advice (e.g. go to office hours, try a class outside of your area of interest, get out of my way), which are all fine and dandy. The following, though, are things that the typical Stanford student knows, but only after a year or two of experience. I hope you all gain a lot from this list. We here at TUSB are certainly glad to have gained you, Freshmen ‘15 (Please let this name catch on).

Note: Items marked with an asterisk (*) are ones that I, sadly, have learned from experience. Learn from my mistakes.

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STANFORD, Calif. (TUSB) — Between the hours of 7:00 and 8:00 pm (PST) Wednesday, a skateboard was taken from the planter outside of the HumBio building. A devastated me was seen shortly thereafter, frantically combing the Quad and, fruitless in my search, interrogating the only witnesses—squirrels—as to the whereabouts of my beloved primary mode of transportation. The squirrels could not be reached for comment. Because they scampered up a tree and I can’t jump very high.

So I dealt with my crushing loss the only way I knew how: I showered, ate some ice cream, and blogged, pure anger and mourning coursing through my fingers and onto my keyboard. Naturally, I have a few things to say.

To my skateboard:

The pain in my feet from having to walk everywhere will be a testament to your pivotal roll in my life. Without you, I have lost all my bearings; I feel like I no longer have a grip-tape on my emotions. I feel as if a truck has split my heart right in half-pipe. I am kicking myself for having pushed you away. But now, I have to go on with my life, without you in it: back to the grind. This is my last tribute to you, skateboard. You were taken from me much too soon.

To the reader:

Why do we react so strongly to having something stolen from us? Surely there is an evolutionary reason why we feel so passionately connected to our possessions; they are essentially extensions of ourselves. This idea of “ownership” certainly came in handy for the survival of early man: I imagine a similar scenario in the wild, in which man, having just descended from the trees, finds that his log-board had been stolen, even though he had only gone up the tree to get a banana for like 10 minutes.

Diego likes his meat rare. And running away from him.

Back then, it would have been totally acceptable to hunt the wretched pilferer down, drag him back to the cave by his hair and present his hairy pink behind to a pet sabre-toothed tiger.

Unfortunately, society today frowns upon that sort of thing.

To the person that took it, if you’re reading this (though I highly doubt you are because you’re either an asinine illiterate poopy head or an equally-as-illiterate squirrel):

I pity you. To steal is to give up on being a productive member of society, to completely disregard the moral law that has been set in stone since the aforementioned banana-eating, tree-climbing, sabre-toothed-tiger-owning caveman. Also, congratulations, you’ve stolen my birthday present from my parents. If you can’t find it in your heart (or lack thereof) to return it, at least do me the honor of riding it well, and often, instead of selling it for parts or something. This one’s for you, douchebag.

To either of the thief’s two friends (one of which is surely his right hand), if you’re reading this:

Actually. . . Maybe it WAS the tights?

I’m not advocating vigilante justice or anything, but let’s just say that Batman wasn’t a hero because of his tights.

To anyone who has ever had something stolen from them, if you’re reading this:

This article is for you, in memory of every one of your stolen bikes, MacBooks, credit cards and innocences. I feel your pain.

To my prodigal skateboard, if you’re reading this:

Holy crap, you’re sentient. Regardless, come back to me.

R.I.P. Skateboard. Aug. 18, 2010—Mar. 30, 2011

I miss you.

The level of hysteria and fandom was as viscous as sodium silicate; the roar of the room louder than that of a Boeing 747 engine. People climbing over walls and through windows, and not even to make a horribly ad nauseastic Antoine Dodson reference. You would think that some sort of celebrity was talking about Sudan or directing a movie about necrophilia. Until you noticed all the bowties.

"I missed Bill Nye talk? Dang it!" (Photo Credit to Samir Junnarkar)

Yes, thanks to the Professor Scott Hubbard and the Stanford AIAA, Stanford students congregated upon Building 200 on Wednesday, regardless of major or area of academic interest, to catch an impromptu Q&A session with the Sultan of Science himself: Bill Nye the Science Guy.

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With midterms (mostly) over, and finals looming over the horizon, I thought it would be an appropriate time to address a topic that , as a science major, is very familiar ro me: failure.

In Drama 103, with the always entertaining and immeasureably talented Dan Klein, we learned to embrace failure; failing on stage is the first step to good improvisation. fIntro to Improvisation has taught us to embrace failure. WIthout failure, there is no chance to be natural, to be human. And embracing failure, not ft fearing it, is the first step to succeding, not only in improv, but in life.

As I’m sure you’ve noticed, I’ve been writing this post without Spell Check, editing, or even backspacing. (more…)

The opinions, or lack thereof, expressed in this article are not the opinions expressed by The Unofficial Stanford Blog or its writers.

I’m one of the newest writers to walk out of the marble-pillared, gold plated Parthenon that is the TUSB headquarters.

The newest addition to the Arrillaga collection.

As the new guy, there are few luxuries afforded to me, the best of which is not having to publicly pledge my allegiance to Josh more than twice per meeting, and the least of which is an opinion. But that’s still provisionary. Because this is it: my foray into the Stanford blogosphere. I only get one chance to make a good first impression. If I screw it up with something as useless as an opinion, then I should just kiss the good life goodbye.

The word “opinion” comes from the Na’vi “opium,” which loosely translates to “something that should never ever be on your tongue.” Closely related to an opinion is knowledge, defined by Merriam-Webster and Urban Dictionary to be

• The fact or condition of knowing something with familiarity gained through experience or association.

• Getting head.

I fear for humanity. But I digress.

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