Devious licks: you know ‘em, you love ‘em. But why stop at sinks and bathroom stalls? Here are the top ten most devious licks you can execute on Stanford’s campus.

10. A Frosh Lanyard

The class of ‘25 is too bright-eyed and excited about school to realize that people are definitely going to steal their shit. If they’re gullible enough to believe that Roble is pronounced “Raw-bul,” it must be insanely easy to snatch their lanyard. 

9. The Largest Planet in the Engineering Quad

Although the light academia vibes of the Engineering Quad might be diminished by robbing part of this new art installation, you’d probably be doing the engineering community a favor by removing a hazardous obstacle for bikers and skaters.

8. Gates of Hell

You know what would make a great accessory to your dorm room? The Gates of Hell. Place them outside of your door as a symbolic representation of the death you feel when you slump into your room hammered (on EANABS of course) at 2:33 a.m. 

7. Hoover Tower

While it might be difficult finding a place to store the tallest building on campus, it should be possible to break the tower off at the base and use a crane to transport it somewhere. Perhaps the oversized doubles in Meier could be large enough to hide this lick?

6. Stern Dining Staff

Have you ever tasted one of Stern’s delicious, mouth-watering burrito bowls? If you have, then you must know that the Stern Dining Staff would be an extremely valuable lick. While the ethics of stealing a few human beings are… probably bad, think of all the private burrito bowls they could cook for you in the comfort and privacy of your own dorm.

5. The Integrity of a Humanities Major

This lick may seem impossibly difficult at first glance, but it’s actually quite simple. Take your neighborhood’s nearest humanities major to a CS 106A lecture and get them hooked on for loops and Karel. Then, watch deviously as they find themselves majoring in CS with an AI concentration and founding a blockchain startup for “the greater good.”

4. A whole neighborhood

Does anyone actually live in Neighborhood D? This lick would probably be ridiculously easy, so long as you can find Governor’s Corner, which I’m still convinced doesn’t exist.

3. MTL’s Salary

Did you know that our university president makes over 1.1 million dollars every year? Stealing money is usually immoral, but we’re gonna let this one slide. Sorry Marc, but I don’t want to be in crippling debt after I’ve experienced four years of this institution consistently damaging my ego.

2. Inner Peace

One of the most devious licks of them all ― a state of well-being and calmness. Legend has it that only one student has obtained inner peace in the history of this institution. How can one steal something that is impossible to find?

1. A bike 

You know you want to.

Editor’s Note: This article is purely satirical and fictitious. All attributions in this article are not genuine, and this story should be read in the context of pure entertainment only.