Q: If I’m quarantined due to infection, how will I get caught up on my classes? A: You won’t. Cry about it.

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The Largest Planet in the Engineering Quad: Although the light academia vibes of the engineering quad might be diminished by robbing part of this new art installation, you’d probably be doing the engineering community a favor by removing a hazardous obstacle for bikers and skaters.

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As someone who has lived on campus for a grand total of ten weeks and two days over the summer, I pretty much know everything there is to know about this university.

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HUMOR: Those who refuse to get the vaccine will be held accountable.

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HUMOR: “Flicking discs around is my only source of happiness nowadays, and I would never want ultimate frisbee, the most legitimate intramural sport in Stanford’s history, to be taken away from me.”

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Activist Danielle Sered pointed out that survivor-centered solutions will be crucial when addressing issues of restorative justice at a Friday panel.

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Community members called for reduced police presence and greater investment in viable alternatives at the Community Board on Public Safety's town hall on Monday.

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HUMOR: Stoner Joshua Dogg anxiously waited for the moment that he could attend a lecture with an eighth and some rolling papers out.

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“Having her voice means that a woman has her dignity, has who she is, has her story recognized,” Gates said. “It means she creates change, not just for her family, but also for her community."

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HUMOR: When The Occasionally tried reaching out to all twenty residents of Alaska, all of them refused to comment on the impending battles to come.

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San Francisco State University Professor and Stop AAPI Hate co-founder Russell Jeung said that increased visibility for Asian Americans and solidarity from other racial minorities will be crucial in supporting AAPI communities in light of the recent surge in anti-Asian discrimination due to COVID-19.

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University officials announced the task force's recommendation for the departmentalization of the African and African American Studies program at a Campus Conversations event on Monday. This recommendation follows countless efforts of organizing by student advocates, including the Black Graduate Student Association (BGSA), who recently hosted a teach-in on the fight for departmentalization.

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SATIRE: With the add/drop deadline just around the corner, many Stanford students are stressed about which classes to keep taking and which to give up on for the next seven weeks.

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The Occasionally immediately checked Nancy Pelosi’s Spotify Wrapped. Our logic: How can the U.S trust a speaker of the House with bad musical taste?

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SATIRE: If it's any consolation, Stanford plans to send all undergraduate students a box of Kleenex tissues so that you at least don’t have to pay for something that will absorb your tears.

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SATIRE: In response to the frustrations of Classics majors, Abolish Stanford Greek suggested that Greek houses on the Row be moved into columns instead.

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SATIRE: Due to allegations about Yale having too much affirmative action, the committee is fully dedicated to making sure that the university is non-affirmative in all of its actions.

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SATIRE: "Leland Escobar" has reportedly been selling drugs for the past four weeks, many of which were synthesized using the materials in his CHEM 31M Boxed Lab Kit.

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Every year, many Stanford students experience “imposter syndrome,” a state of mind that leads people to believe that they are a complete and utter failure despite evident success.

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SATIRE: A group of Stanford undergraduates has officially decided to create the organization “Unprecedon’t,” which aims to ensure that the university avoids the word as much as possible.

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SATIRE: While the university expected incoming frosh to view the event as a heartfelt welcome to the Stanford community, many students instead saw MTL’s speech as a catalyst for intense simping.

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