Scott's Tip Of The Day: Scientists have been searching for intelligent life on other planets for quite some time. They haven't found it. Scientists, I think your time would be better spent searching for intelligent life on earth. I turn on the TV and all I see are Brett Michaels, Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian. If there is intelligent life on other planets, then it has probably seen Flavor of Love 2, and it knows to keep its distance.
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I don't care if your girlfriend, wife or inflatable doll told you "Its not the size of the boat, it's the motion of the ocean".... she was lying. If your ding dong is microscopic then no matter how much you move it, you aint gonna be pleasin' her. So what do you do when you are about to have sex with an inebriated acquaintance and you pull off your pants and she says "OMG, your swizzle stick is SO small?"
TOP 10 RESPONSES TO LADIES INSULTING THE SIZE OF YOUR MANHOOD
10. It gets bigger, I assure you.
9. Swizzle stick? You're six-years-old, where did you learn an innuendo like that?
8. Just give me a chance, I just enrolled in a Penercize class, and after a few weeks of penirpushups, it'll be bigger and stronger
7. I'm Asian, give me a break.
6. How would you know it's small? Seen a lot of them?.....
5. When I finish this cycle of steroids it will probably return to normal size.
4. I'll have you know I won the Rhode Island Penis of The Year award in 1999, 2004 and 2007!
3. The doctors did the best they could after an unfortunate accident involving a Rottweiler and a jar of peanut butter.
2. Oh, that? That's not my penis...
1. It's not that my love pump is small, it's that your vuh-jay-jay is huge.
Depending on your exact situation, some of these responses might work better than others, but at least you will have a witty response and won't be caught with your pants down (pun intended).
Scott's Tip Of The Day: When Advertising on the internet, one should double check their advertisement to ensure it is not unintentionally offensive. (see above)
Scott's Tip Of The Day: Ever eat cracker jacks? What did it say on the box? "Toy Surprise Inside!" Those words used to be alluring. Secret decoder rings. Parachute army men. Who knew what lay inside that box of caramel corn and nuts? But times have changed. Now it just says "Prize inside." What happened to the toy? Plastic? That's too expensive. Now you get a tiny piece of paper with a joke on it. They don't even give you a temporary (or permanent) tattoo! A piece of paper! With a joke! What kind of prize is that!? I could make a better prize with a piece of ABC gum and a paper clip.
The next time you go to the ballpark and you're thinking about Cracker Jacks, get a hot dog instead. Hell, buy two. There might not be a surprise, but if you eat too many hot dogs, then one day you'll come down with cancer from eating too many nitrates. And when you do, you'll go to the hospital to get treated. You'll be lying in bed and one of your friends will come in with a nice card and some Mylar balloons. And you know what? That's way better than a Cracker Jacks prize.
Scott's Tip Of The Day: A comic book is a comic book. It doesn't matter if the story was adopted into a motion picture. It doesn't matter if it comes in hardcover. It doesn't matter if it's bound like a book. It doesn't matter if you bought it in a bookstore. It's still a comic book. Do you think you are less of a nerd because you call it a graphic novel instead of a comic book? Own up to your nerdiness! You may think you sound more sophisticated because you read graphic novels instead of comic books, but in reality you are just a sad, sad person in denial.... and everyone knows it. Kids read books with pictures. You are an adult. Grow up.
Scott's Tip Of The Day: They say abstinence is the only 100% safe birth control method. But even that's not safe. What if a woman breaks into your apartment and uses your body to pleasure herself? She could hold a gun to your head and there would be nothing you could do. What's my point? If that could happen, anything could happen! So forget about condoms and dental dams and sponges and all of that (You don't have to forget about butt plugs) and just put your fate into God's hands. Because if God wants you to have an illegitimate child, there is no sense in arguing with him.
Scott's Tip Of The Day: I'm a crazy guy. Sometimes, I misbehave. When I "act out" my parole officer prohibits me from using the halfway house's computer. Here is a picture of Fred, my Parole Officer for your viewing pleasure:
Fred is completely unreasonable. I would have totally been able to control that fire, if he hadn't interrupted me. Anyway, these things happen. When I can't get to the computer to blog, there are other things you can do to pass the time. Here are some ways to amuse yourself, when I am out of action.
GARFIELD MINUS GARFIELD
This is one of my favorite websites. Dan Walsh erases basically every character out of Garfield's daily cartoon strip except for John. John thus looks pretty crazy, sad and pathetic in every day's strip. It's bizarre. It's disturbing. I love it.
ENGRISH
A lot of Asians have a poor command of the English language. Here is proof positive.
ANY OF THE BLOGS ON THE RIGHT HAND SIDE OF MY BLOG
If I have linked to someone's blog, that means they have been pretty good to my blog. Show them some love. Visit some of their blogs too!
I apologize for the lack of blog postings this week. Things are pretty crazy at the halfway house. I am gonna come back large and in charge on Monday, so please stay tuned. Good things are coming!
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