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Special Considerations for Supporting Survivors

Sexual and relationship violence not only affects victims,  but also their friends, family, and the entire community.  In addition to supporting their loved one, those who are close to the survivor are must also manage the effects of the assault on their own well-being and sense of safety. The trauma of sexual assault can cause a range of emotions including: guilt, shame, vulnerability, anger, and depression, and confusion. Those that live with the survivor may become concerned about their security and may have similar feelings and responses as those the survivor experiences.

It is important to remember that the survivor's power and control has been violated and it may take a long time for them to regain their sense of "self." Even then, they may integrate behaviors and characteristics that may be different from how they were prior to the abuse or assault. This is normal and expected and may require a great deal of patience and understanding. The sensitivity, respect, and support that a survivor receives plays an integral role in their recovery. By keeping the following points in mind, you can help to facilitate this process.

Validation

  • Accept what you hear. Many survivors fear they will not be believed. They're afraid that their experience will be minimized as "not important," or made into a catastrophe and they'll be pitied. Indicate that you hear them and care about their feelings. Let the survivor state her or his views, feelings, beliefs and opinions.
  • Do not be judgmental. This is especially important because many victims of sexual assault blame themselves for what happened. You must always assure them that no matter the circumstances, the incident was not their fault.

Empowerment

  • Allow survivors to direct their own course of action, empowering them to regain a sense of control over their lives. Allow them to make their own decisions about how to proceed. Do not pressure them into agreeing with your choices and goals for them no matter how much you think this would be helpful. An assault takes away the victim's power and control over their self and their situation, so regaining that sense of power and control over their own life helps the survivor in their recovery process.

Information

  • Present survivors with resources and available options. The following sections detail the services available for Stanford students. Initially, the victim may be so distraught and overloaded that it's impossible for them to hear everything. Be patient and willing to repeat yourself. Respect the person's decision as to what to do.

Privacy

  • Assure survivors that you will keep the matter private to the furthest extent possible (may vary depending on your role, i.e., friend, family member, professional staff.) If it becomes public the survivor may feel re-victimized.
  • If you are a staff member who is required to inform someone of sexual assault disclosures, let the survivor know that you will consult with your direct supervisor and the SARA Office about how best to meet their needs. Consultations with the SARA Office may be conducted without revealing the names of the parties involved, although it may impact the staff's ability to help. If total anonymity is necessary, you and/or the survivor may get information and support without revealing your names.
  • For survivors who are under 18 years of age, reporting requirements are more complex. You and/or the survivor can consult the SARA Office Stanford for advice on how best to proceed.

Listen

  • Inform the survivor that they can disclose as much about the assault as they are comfortable with. Do not press for details, as this can feel intrusive and controlling.
  • In responding to the survivor use the same words she or he does in describing the event. If the survivor uses the word "rape," then use it in reflective listening. If the survivor uses the expression "something bad happened," then you should do the same. 
  • Be empathetic, non-judgmental, and help the survivor feel safe. Avoid labeling the experience for them. Remember, survivors may feel guilty and responsible. You can reassure them that no one deserves to be assaulted.
  • Be particularly sensitive if a survivor has concerns based on ethnicity, gender, religion, sexual orientation, and/or disability.

If You Are Unsure of What to Say Try

  • "I am willing to listen if you decide that you want/need to talk about this. I don't want to force you if you are not ready—just let me know if/when you are."
  • "I am here to support you—regardless of what you choose to do."
  • " Please tell me know what can I do to help you through this."
  • "You seem to be having a real rough time with this. If you want to talk about it, I'd be glad to just listen."
  • "I want you to know I don't know what to say, but I'm your friend. I believe you, and I will support whatever decisions you make."
  • "As your parent(s), I( we) want to make things better and I(we) can't. I (we) love you and will support you through this.

Self-Care for Support Persons

It is important that you take measures to promote your own self-care after helping someone deal with sexual or relationship violence.  Witnessing an assault or hearing the details may arouse vicarious trauma and feelings such as anger, fear, outrage, or depression in you. These incidents may also trigger memories of your own traumatic experiences, inciting a variety of physical or psychological stress responses.

Things You Can Do

  • Consult with supervisor other trusted staff person, or friend to process without disclosing the survivor identity if they are not a “need-to-know” resource.
  • Establish and maintain a sense of what you can and cannot do for the survivor, keeping in mind that they must be able to make their own decisions and choices and may need assistance beyond what you can provide. Discuss your limitations and refer the survivor to a professional so that they can get the help they need. 
  • Give yourself time and space to process and reflect on what you have heard and experienced and effectively deal with any challenges that result. 
  • Separate the assault from your own experiences, beliefs, attitudes, and opinions. No matter how similar certain cases may be, every survivor is different  and everyone has to have his or her own space and opportunity for recovery.
  • Treat yourself, engage in a hobby, and allow yourself some “ME” time. Engage in healthy coping and self-care behaviors that nurture you to reward yourself for the important and valuable role you have played in this process and the difference you have made in the life of someone who trusted and confided in you.