Disclaimer: This didn't happen today, and nothing necessarily bad happened in the end, but this is an emotionally gripping tale with suspense, pizza, teenagers, and fucking up. 5-10 minute read with a TL;DR at the bottom. Enjoy!

A quick index of my friends in the story (to make it easier to follow without revealing their ACTUAL names)

Billy- My best friend and birthday boy in our story, charismatic leader of the group

Timmy- The lovable airhead, usually the butt of our jokes, pretty care-free, doesn't give a hoot about all the crap we give him

Frank- That one friend who is a year older than everyone else, goes with the flow, dishes out a lot of the crap talking in the group

Jeff- The stoner friend (Jeff warning: he doesn't really do anything in the story but he was there so I felt inclined to include him)

Every summer my buddies and I go to the local fair to celebrate Billy's birthday. This tradition has been a highlight of my childhood and has given me many of my fondest summer memories.

One summer we fucked up.

The summer before Junior year of high school, we had been at the fair all day when we decided that we had had enough and that we should go home. At this time, we found out that my best friend's mom was out of town for the weekend. She traveled a lot for work, his parents were divorced, and he was the only child still living at home, which meant that we would have the whole house to ourselves. The perfect recipe for something stupid to happen. Score. Oh yea, and we were told specifically NOT to stay at Billy's house. Pffffft.

We got to his house at about midnight and decided to lock all of the doors, just in case Billy's dad randomly showed up to check on him. He had a tendency to worry and was kind of a helicopter parent (hourly phone check ups, randomly stopping by, that sort of thing). The doors were locked, so we would all have time to hide should Billy's blackhawk helicopter dad feel the need to do a midnight strafing run past his house (keep in mind, he lived in an apartment down the road).

We were all exhausted, so the plan was to just watch a movie or two and hang out and eventually go to bed, typical sleepover stuff. Jeff and Frank had some other ideas in mind. They were still super energetic and pumped from the adrenaline filled day at the fair. They wanted to stay up just a bit longer and go have a small fire in the backyard fire pit before bed. Billy had a pretty nice house with a big porch out back, so we all decided to go outside and relax for a little bit. We threw a pizza in the oven in case we got hungry and then stepped outside. Timmy was the last one to leave the house, and when he closed the sliding glass door, we heard a loud THUNK.

Oh boy.

Billy had one of those sliding glass doors with a security bar, which is basically a system that keeps the door from opening by putting a pole or wooden post on the edge so that when you try to open the door, the plank pushes against the wall and doesn't allow the door to slide open (If that description doesn't make much sense, picture the scene in Star Wars when they are trapped in the garbage chute and Han picks up a metal pole and tries to keep the walls from closing in on them. It's the same principle but replace one wall with the edge of the glass door). When Timmy closed the door, he slammed it too hard, causing the plank to fall into a locked position. We had just locked ourselves out of a house that we weren't supposed to be at and it was now 2 in the morning. All of the lights were on, the TV was on, and worst of all, the oven was on with a pizza in it. We were in serious trouble if we couldn't get back in.

No worries though, Billy's house had more than one door, surely one of them was unlocked right? Wrong. The garage door was locked to prevent Billy's dad from randomly walking in and finding all of us at the house, the front door was almost always locked, and we had just accidentally locked the back door. No spare keys either. Maybe the windows were unlocked? We ended up boosting Billy onto his roof to see if he could unlock any of the windows on the second floor. No luck. We were completely stuck, and the clock was ticking. We had to break into Billy's house to save that pizza.

We considered all of our options. We could call a locksmith, but what locksmith would be available at 2 in the morning? We could try to pick the lock, but that creates the risk of breaking the lock and causing more problems. Besides, none of us knew how to pick a lock. We could try to move the post, freeing the door and allowing it to open again, but how? That pizza needed us, and we didn't know how we could save it. We were like a bunch of hungry firefighters, desperately trying to save a pizza baby from a locked inferno. Things were looking grim. We knew that if we didn't get into the house somehow, we would let a perfectly good pizza die (and we would suffer severe punishment from Billy's mom if we were caught at the house).

We decided that moving the plank would be our best option. We scavenged for tools in Billy's garage. The only useful tools we found were a garden hoe and a screw driver. The pizza was screaming for us. We had to work fast. It was about 2:30 and the oven was probably done preheating (I know you're not technically supposed to put the pizza in before preheating, but we were dumb teenagers. What do you expect?) This was no longer a relaxing night with friends, it had become Saving Private Digiorno.

We started the rescue by having Timmy and me lift up on the door while Billy and Frank tried to wedge the hoe under it. After many attempts, we finally got the glass door to lift enough that Timmy could reach in and almost touch the plank. He couldn't quite reach it. We were getting desperate now. Time was not on our side. Our stomachs yearned for a bite of that warm, cheesey, pizza. It was getting unsettlingly close to the danger zone. Burning the pizza was not an option. If the crust was even one shade darker than perfection, our mission was a failure.

We couldn't quite move the plank out of the way to free the door. Another strategy was needed. We decided to go all in, balls to the sliding glass wall. We were going to completely remove the only obstacle standing between us and perfectly crisp-crusted victory. We got the door to lift up about 2 or 3 inches, then Timmy and I gently pulled the bottom of the door toward us, popping it out of its frame completely. It was way heavier than we had anticipated and we almost dropped it, but we managed to lower the door to the side. Everyone was silent. We had won the battle, but the war was not yet over.

We all rushed inside and unlocked every door and window in the house, kissed the carpet, and shouted for joy. Placing the door back into its frame was surprisingly easy. There was one final piece of business to take care of. We all huddled around Billy as he carefully took the pizza out of the warzone called an oven to give it a medical exam. It was a healthy meat lovers, not a shade darker than perfection.

We celebrated our victory by eating a pizza on the porch.

Neither of Billy's parents ever found out about our adventure and the house was later sold with no problems at all!

TL;DR A group of friends and I locked ourselves out of one friend's house while a pizza was still in the oven so we had to completely remove the sliding glass door that lead to his backyard and we had to do it before the pizza got burnt, either of his parents came home, or some other tragedy struck. We succeeded and were never caught.

This happened 14 hours ago and am still recovering from the incident. Essentially, I attended a family party at a small town in Connecticut. It was getting late. My cousin (27 - Daniel) and I (26 - Jack) were in the house playing pool. He was pretty intoxicated and I was sober. Suddenly my cousin's nephew (Will) storms into the house upset. He is about 7. He says he was bullied by an older kid "George" (about 12), struck with a bat, and had a mark. His parents are no where to be found - always good parenting - and he was hurt both physically and emotionally (more so emotionally). My cousin and I decided to investigate the matter by walking up the street to where this apparent kid was. My cousins' sister (Kat) and Will decided to tag along to figure this situation out. Now is where it gets weird. It is literally pitch black, but we notice a few lights stemming from a house in an evident party. As we walked closer we notice a good amount of cars, and then finally kids on skooters on the road - NOT ON THEIR PROPERTY. I then politely inquire, "Hi, I'm looking for George?" and that's when SHIT HIT THE FAN! The mother of "Geroge" (whom we will refer to as "FatB") was in the group of kids and HEAVILY INTOXICATED gets in my face telling me, "You're a f'ing loser; who the f do you think you are?!"

I then politely respond, "Hi, I am here to try to understand a situation with my cousins' nephew (Will) getting hit with a bat."

The FatB then continuing to scream: "How the f old are you?!". I then reply: "That doesn't matter. I am here to figure out what happened." FatB: "How old are YOU!" I then, trying to show her a lesson, ask: "How old are you?" FatB: "Why does that matter?" Me: "Exactly! I heard Will was hit by a bat and I just want to understand what happened." FatB is now super pissed.

Now it gets shittier.

Will's mom (Gerty - 42), also plastered, comes out of the darkness and starts telling me (her cousin) and her younger brother and sister (Daniel and Kat) off. She does this because she is more concerned of her social status in this "clique" of people than she is with her own family - NICE!

Gerty: "Why the f are you here! You f'ing ruined my life!" FatB: "Yeah you're f'ing losers don't you have better things to do!" Me: "I was just trying to understand the situation..." (Now my cousin Daniel gets pissed) Daniel: "F you (FatB), your son hit my nephew and you're f'ing yelling at us?!" -Exit FatB waddling off like an anally abused penguin which is apparently her running form-

Gerty: "You all f'ing ruined my life, and now my marriage (...don't understand this either), and you're f'ing assholes" Me: "Listen, if you have this controlled then I will just leave, but your son came to the house upset". Daniel: "You are f'ing shitty (Gerty), we are your family and you can't even stand up for us?!"

• Suddenly noise! FatB and 8 adults come running into the road completely SAUCED -

Now Daniel and I are surrounded - in the road mind you and never on their property. Kat hides and my cousins' nephew Will is hiding as well.

FatB: "F you who the f do you think you are" - now pushing Daniel and I. Group of men: "Who the f are you! You want to go you f's!" Daniel: "You're f'ing son hit my nephew with a f'ing bat! How do you think you're f'ing right?" Me, holding Daniel: "Daniel, let's leave, they are all intoxicated and we are going to f'ing get rekt if this escalates" (At this point I can't stop Daniel)

Daniel: "Gerty you are such a f'ing ahole, you don't deserve to be in our family." Group of Men aggressively walking toward me: "Who the f do you think you are asking for George!?" Me (backing down the street): "I was just attempting to understand what happened... that was all."

NOW, since I was backing down the street, Daniel was 20 feet away, and I had all the men on me. Daniel only had FatB and Gerty. I'm about 5'9" and pretty built. I know how to protect myself, but it would not be smart to fight as it would be me vs. 8 or so middle-aged drunk men. Plus I hate fighting because I always feel upset afterwards (lover not a fighter).

Me: "Listen, if things are controlled then I will grab Daniel and leave" Voice: "What the F DID YOU SAY!!!!!!???!!!!" - Out of the darkness a 6'2" large middle-aged man sprints around the other men; whom I can only assume is George's father -

My thoughts at this moment were either run or put up my fists and fight. It was literally like slow motion. I then looked at Daniel still telling off Gerty and FatB. I didn't want to leave him. I didn't want to fight. I was confused. Then this man put both hands around my neck and squeezed.

Man: "What did you F'ing SAY!! WHO ARE YOU??" Me, holding my arms up passively while gasping: "I don't want a problem. I wanted to figure out the situation." Man: "PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN!!!!!!"

Other men start to swarm. This man has been holding my neck solidly for 40 seconds and pushing me down the street. I can feel my heart and the blood rushing into my head. I might actually have to fight and might actually die because of this... In addition, apparently this man was a Corrections Officer so he probably knew a deal of self-defense. My thoughts were pull the man, by his arms, closer and use the force to kick straight him in the balls... then punch the chin as hard and fast as possible. This is the best method if someone is choking you with both hands from the front.

Other Man grabs the mans hands while looking at me: "What are you doing here?!!!" I finally am let go before I react. Me, trying to breathe: "Honestly, I am trying to understand the situation." Other Man now more aggressive: "WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?" Voices in the background: "We called the police! You're going to be f'ing arrested." Me, now understanding there is no getting through to stupidity: "Honestly, leaving. I'm grabbing Daniel and leaving..."

Kat and Will are no where to be found. It is now about 11:30 pm. I run over to Daniel still telling off FatB and Gerty, and grab him. I sternly demand to him we need to leave. We begrudgingly march off but FatB runs up and pushes Daniel and I at the end of the street. Continuing with the name calling - as you know is so effective. I push Daniel down the street and eventually are almost alone until Will's father whom is obliterated (Dick) calls out to us.

Dick: "I SHOULD F'ING POP THE HEADS OFF BOTH OF YOU!!!" Daniel:"SCREW YOU WE JUST FOUGHT FOR YOUR SON AND YOU CAN'T EVEN STAND UP FOR YOUR FAMILY" Dick: "YOU DESERVED TO BE CHOKED YOU AHOLE!" Daniel: "YOU ARE NOTHING TO OUR FAMILY, YOU CAN'T PROTECT US AND YOU ARE AN OFFICER OF THE LAW?!! WE WERE WRONGED!!"

We walk away and return to the house. Gerty enters the house and starts telling off the family... then Dick shows up demanding his wife and his son. Daniel continues yelling and both of them. Will is no where to be found at midnight. Kat is at the house crying because she felt helpless. This was her graduation party and her friends are watching this unravel.

I then calm down, and within an hour and half drive down to the police station to report my story.

Me: "I have the marks on my neck to prove I was assaulted" Cop: "Do you want to press charges? Just keep in mind, if you do press charges and I go down there and they claim you assaulted them I will arrest all of you." Me: "I'm sober officer, I have an entire family with the same story, but those other people... they are completely incoherent. You would take their story over mine?" Cop: "I'm just telling you what will happen. You will all have records. You will all go to court. It seems your pride is hurt and maybe your neck. Just move on..." Me, upset: "...I would like to make an anonymous claim for possible underage drinking and for breach of peace at this house..." Cop: "I can check it out..."

Nothing happened and I'm stuck playing out the scenarios of what I could of done better.

TL;DR - At a party, cousins nephew was hit by a bat, walked up the street to figure it out, drunk adults jumped my cousin and I, I got strangled, reported it to the police, nothing happened.

TIFU by telling my boyfriend I was pregnant. I should start with this didn't exactly happen today, but now I realize this was the first mistake I made that started everything that came afterwards. Back to the beginning...

Started dating this guy and he was awesome. I was a single mother of a 3 year old, worked full time as a manager, had my own apartment. He was funny and spontaneous, sweet and thoughtful, and wanted nothing but to spend as much time with me as he could.

After 4 months he took me to see Silverstein as my Christmas gift and in line for the show he was on snapchat with his ex girlfriend. Asked if he could not focus on her while we were together. Supposedly he had let this woman borrow 800 bucks when they were dating, and it was part of the reason they split, but he was just being nice so he could get his money back. He was upset with me for asking this he ditched me as soon as we were in the doors and me, not caring, spent the rest of the evening in the mosh pit.

Two days went by and I hadnt heard from him. My doctor called me to let me know my insurance approved my birth control (I was getting an IUD because my boyfriend didnt like using protection) and when they called I realized I was already late for my period and went to get a pregnancy test at the store. It was positive. I tried calling him that night a few times and didnt get a response. The next day I didnt get an answer either. Day 3 I sent a text saying I had something important to talk to him about. Big mistake, I was a single mom before I should have just done it again. He called me that night and I told him about the pregnancy. Big surprise he tried to convince me to have an abortion. I hung up on him and a few hours went by and he called me again drunk, said he couldn't be a dad while he was in the army and I deserved better because he had already betrayed me. He then admits he had just cheated on me the night I was taking my pregnancy test, with his army ex girlfriend that he was been snapping at the concert we went to. I told him I didnt want anything from him, that I understood his position and I would either do this alone or I would give the baby up for adoption, the latter I would need his permission for.

A week went by and we didnt talk much, except a couple times he snapped things like "idk" and "I'll pay for the abortion". Then he asked if he could come talk to me that weekend. I asked about what and he said he wanted to see me. This was a few days before my birthday. He picked me up from work on Friday and took me home and I discovered my power had been shut off. Oops, I accidentally paid the garbage bill instead of the power. My boyfriend I guess took this as I was in dire need for help and spontaneously me to marry him while we ate Wendy's over candlelight. This sparked a long discussion about whether he would use it against me, say I tried to trap him, and what would happen with my older daughter once we have a baby telling the baby to call him daddy but she's told to call him by name. He said he would never use it against me, that it was his choice, that I make him happy and that my older daughter could call him daddy. That even if we split up he would be there for her regardless because he loved her. There was a long silence before he asked if that meant yes and I agreed. A week later I found out he had also proposed to a different ex girlfriend when he was drunk. He apologized and told her he wants nothing to do with her.

Lets jump forward. We got married two months after his lame proposal and he finished moving the last of his things out of the barracks and into my apartment. He decided my apartment wasnt big enough so we looked for a new one and when i was almost 7 months pregnant we moved to a new place and he was so socially awkward he refused to let my friends help us move and so him and I moved everything into the truck and into the new apartment together. Some things were so heavy and hard for me to carry that I had to stop more than a few times and just cry in frustration.

Another month later and we're all going to warped tour in a few days. My daughter came to our room one morning and my husband and he were wrestling on the bed and I saw his phone open in the message thread and a few messages down theres one from a seattle area code and the last message says "room 206". Instantly suspicious I open the message and read the short thread. He sent "hey darling, are you available?" And responses went back and fourth about available time, how much time was needed, that it was 160 dollars for 30 minutes, the hotel she was at and what room she was in. I tell my daughter to go put a movie on and close the door and ask my husband if the messages were what I really thought. I'm crying and shaking, he picks up his phone and tells me its not what i think, it was just a massage, and as he's hugging me while I'm crying he deletes the messages behind my back. I'm still panicking crying because despite the fact that I'm very attractive and for a pregnant woman I looked absolutely stunning and very small, we hadn't had sex since we got married and it wasnt for lack of trying on my part. He insisted there was nothing wrong, that he didnt even have a drive for sex, that he thought there was something wrong with him hormonally and takes me to bed right then and had sex with me.

That night he fell asleep with his phone playing videos and I take it into the bathroom with me and start going through it. I found somewhere around 15 numbers in the Tacoma-Seattle area, 7 bank withdrawals of $140-200, and even history on maps navigating to hotels. I typed the numbers in Google and instantly match them to websites with prostitutes like backpage and TNA board. I didnt realize that hookers were something that guys actually used, especially when they have a hot willing wife at home. Not knowing what to do I took pictures of it all and went straight to my friends house. Even she couldn't tell me what to do. The next morning, hours before warped tour, I confronted him with all I found and he told me he was ashamed of himself. That he didn't deserve me, that I did everything for him and was perfect and he didn't know what was wrong with him. That he has family history of bi-polar disorder and thought he may have it too. He told me to give his ticket away and go with my friends because he couldn't be around people.

About a week goes by and not knowing how to handle this situation we've been arguing a lot. When I vent this whole situation to a friend who is also married to a service member she tells me to report everything to his command and he will get into trouble for the adultery and solicitation of prostitutes. I tell him this and he tells me if he gets kicked out of the military that we wont get any support from him, that even my children will get no child support because he wont have any money. One night our arguing gets a little louder than usual and the police are called by a neighbor. When the cops arrive my husband tells me to make them leave or he will tell them I hit him. I'm sure he was thinking I was going to tell them why we had been arguing so he was worried there would be police reports about the prostitutes. I tried to make the police leave and I was panicking so they asked to come in and took my husband outside immediately. Less than a minute later they said they had probable cause, that my husband said I had pushed him and I was put in handcuffs and taken to jail. I was released the next morning after court and an army lieutenant picked me up from jail and I reported everything to him immediately. My ex moved out of the apartment into the barracks because they gave us a no contact order except for electronically because of the pregnancy.

Lets summarize the next 8 months because this shit is long and depressing as fuck.

He cheated on me again while in the barracks, bought a virgin mobile phone so i couldnt check the phone bill. Went to court told them "I'm not a danger to him" paid my court fees and moved back in. Had a beautiful baby girl in October. Caught him browsing hooker websites when she was a week old. Kicked him out. Didnt let him home til he admitted to his friend what he did to me. Things got better for a few months. Then at the end of March i caught him cheating with a hooker again. Kicked him out again. After a couple days he begged to come home and I said he could if he admitted everything. He said he would in person, so I had him come over and I recorded everything. Turns out you can't legally use that in Washington. Damn. A few days later we were arguing about it again and here I have to stop telling you any details because I'm currently fighting a felony because this 250 pound man with 8 years military combat training said that I, a 150 pound woman that just had a baby 6 months before, told the police that I put him in a naked choke hold.

Please, google naked choke hold cause I did.

So now we're getting divorced and he's still fucking prostitutes and still trying to make my life a living hell, dragging me into court and trying to take custody of my baby over stupid things. He's left me with no car, no money, no place to live. I'm currently staying on a friends couch and applying at jobs nearby and looking for childcare. Thank God the military is just now enforcing he start paying me(not for a week though, and only once a month), and I have enough experience and resources to get into my own apartment and get a good paying job fast. But all this shit sucks because I've never been a bitter person, I didn't deserve this crap and neither do my daughters. Now he has the baby for his visitation on the weekends and my 5 year old who has thought of him as daddy for over a year has nightmares and asks why daddy doesnt love her enough to take her with Eva for visits. I have a no contact order against me so he can talk to me but I can't respond and he doesnt want to go to court and update it even just to speak about the kids, which I think would be beneficial to the babys development and also the older one because she feels unloved. I wish things could be simple, I wish he could be civil so we could do things for the kids together like holidays, or I could drop off the girls for extra visits if he wanted them, or like 4th of July is coming up and it would be nice if the baby could have both her parents with her for the first time she sees fireworks. After him throwing me in jail twice and leaving the girls and I with nothing, I could never be with him again but I would do anything for my girls, including being around him and doing anything that makes the girls lives easier and happier. Plenty of my friends know this story and believe it or not I only wrote about the main points because theres just way too much to type but if you have any questions I left A LOT out, so I encourage comments because this is sort of my closure so I can move on.

TLDR: got pregnant, told my boyfriend, got married, got cheated on with a score of prostitutes, got thrown in jail twice, now getting divorced and fighting for custody of my baby.